Lots of things are "broadsiding" me right now. Jord reminded me that with my thyroid out of wack its more pronounced so that was helpful to be reminded of and Jamie reminded me that I don't have to figure everything out today, but REST. So friends, help me rest. This is probably my biggest temptation right now...having been down for almost a month now anytime I feel any amount of energy I'm ready to go and go until I literally hit the wall and can barely move. Please pray for wisdom for Jord to protect me from myself and that I would willingly submit to him or any other person that I have asked for help in this area...that pretty much means all of you. :)
As Jord and I were talking this afternoon I'm beginning to slowly process the "information overload" I'm in right now. Jord has always been an "expect the worst, but hope for the best" kind of person and has lived his life knowing he can lose me at anytime. Obviously, he knows God is in control and with the advances in medical technology there is no immediate worries but this is a progressive disease, and there have already been a couple pretty close calls. I know where I am going when I die, so that part doesn't scare me...I actually long for heaven and to be free from this sin cursed body, but at the same time there is the tension of leaving loved ones behind and knowing that God has a plan and a purpose for me still being here and as Dave from church has prayed for himself, that I long to suffer well to the glory of God. I referenced Rick Holland (click here to go to Resolved conference messages) in an earlier post and in the providence of God I had downloaded all of the Resolved conferences, except for 2012, on my IPOD before I left. I had seen a sermon by Steve Lawson I wanted to listen to, but in scrolling through the podcasts on my IPOD, I couldn't find the one I wanted, but in the 2008 conference messages I saw a message on heaven by Randy Alcorn and listened to that on the way to North Carolina. I just kept listening to them and God used those messages to encourage my heart greatly. I fell asleep to different parts of multiple sermons from that year throughout my trip...God's timing is always perfect and they were exactly what I needed when I needed them. (Scott, or anyone else who knows Rick, can you pass on my thanks to him?) :) I also went to my all time favorite "go to" song from Sovereign Grace's Psalms CD, "Out of the Depths"...I cannot tell you how many times God has used that song in my life...I still see snippets of my life based around that song...when I was struggling for faith to continue to wait for a child, or a friend or loved one to get saved, or discontentment, or worry over finances because medical bills kept rolling in...all I can tell you through all of this is that life and trials are difficult, but God is faithful and He ALWAYS provides EXACTLY who or what you need the second you need it. Not a second before and not a second too late. We may think He's late, but often times, He's reminding us that we cannot do anything in our own strength and in our pride we think "we got this" when in reality we REALLY don't "got it".
All of that to say that while I knew in my head this was a progressive disease, I had been feeling so good for so long (about a year and a half) that I forgot about the realities of it. I know God is sovereign and in control and He has a plan and a purpose for everything. I think although my true identity is in Christ, my "suffering identity" comes out when I get really sick. I share the gospel with lots of people and God truly has given me joy in the midst of my suffering, but as Pastor Tim said or someone from Sovereign Grace said awhile ago, your identity becomes being joyful in the trials because that's what you do. Hearing the research and the dangers of certain bugs (like the NTM that I'm being cultured for) has brought my facade of control and identity in joy crashing down. In yet another way, God is reminding me that HE is on the throne and not Rachelle, or Rachelle's joy in her trials. In our flesh, we so easily put anyone and anything but God on His throne. Praise God I know Christ paid the price for that sin and absorbed every ounce of His wrath for that sin and for the million more sins I will commit before I die or Christ comes back. (Trust me, I may hide it well, but I am a rotten sinner just like all of you!) I'm not saying all of this to be morbid, but the reality of this disease constantly reminds me and close friends and family of our mortality.
I recently read a book by another woman that has PCD (she didn't make it to the conference and I haven't met her) called, "Life Disrupted: Getting Real About Chronic Illness in Your Twenties and Thirties." If you or someone you know suffers from a chronic illness I highly recommend her book! It has some very helpful tips regarding dealing with the medical world, working/going to school with the challenges of being sick all the time, and finally the impact your illness has on your family and close friends. She talks about how typically, chronically ill children are much closer to their parents because they require so much extra care and that while there is a high divorce rate where chronic illness is present, those that do stay married are much closer because of everything they have to face together. Jordan and I cannot hide from the realities of disease, death, and bodily decay. This causes me to run to the cross of Christ all the more because He is where my hope is found--everything and everyone else in this world will let you down--especially when dealing with something that can be a constant reminder of our sinful condition. Run to the One who you can cry out to in the middle of the night saying, "Abba Father!" (Romans 8). Praise God I know Him and am so thankful for His many blessing in my life, especially my precious husband, Jordan. Do pray for him...although he makes jokes to make me laugh and doesn't want the "serious" conversation to go for too long its simply because God has given him humor to help Jord help me through these difficult valleys...he hurts and aches deeply for me and hates to see me suffer. So thankful we are so close, but when you love deeply you also hurt deeply. Praise be to God there is a Day coming when for those whose complete faith and trust is in the One who died on the cross for your debt and mine, there will be no more suffering--no more pain, no more tears...nothing but eternal joy worshipping Him and fellowshipping for all of eternity...come quickly Lord Jesus!!
In His Everlasting Arms,
Rachelle :)
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
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