Much of the first journal is a "gratitude journal". I simply wrote down multiple things I was thankful for everyday. Flipping through there were things like, "For Justin making me laugh", "That I know Mom and Dad love me" "Mom carting us around to where we need to go", "Brodie and Braelyn making me smile", "For Secret (one of our horses) giving me a fun ride and keeping me on my toes", "For Grandma baking us goodies" (that one is in there multiple times!), "Mike making Aunt Netta so happy", "Aunt Dawn watching us and all her help" "Jen helping me clean pens", and yes, even the silly girl things like, "Thankful for Tammy going with me to talk to THAT boy that I had such a crush on" (if you can believe it I was super shy at one point in life!). In other parts I simply wrote what had happened that day and other times I poured my heart out. Like the time we rushed to get my brother from a football game after he sustained a concussion or Papa had really bad pain as the cancer progressed. Then as I start to go to church and get to know Jesus, my writings become mixed with prayers as well. After Aunt Dawn encouraged me to write my first poem "Mountains" (Click here to read it in another blog post) inspired by Papa, sometimes there are poems mixed in too.
There are smiles, laughter, and even tears as I read through them. Its encouraging to read my prayers as a brand new believer and see the zeal Jesus gave me to tell others about Him and remembering how I went about it. (Like making what I called "Shelly-grams" in high school and giving them to classmates that had verses or encouraging words on them). I wrote down answers to questions from one of my first devotionals I went through and my answers can be pretty interesting at times, but its fun to realize just how much I have grown in the Lord. It's also really neat to see all the different things I prayed for and the different ways the Lord answered those prayers. Fourteen years later, I'm still praying similar prayers, some were answered with a resounding no while God graciously said yes to others. As I grew as a believer, instead of simply writing about my latest crush I prayed for "that special someone" many a time and I am so thankful how He answered in sending me such an amazing husband who treasures and loves me so well.
One thing that stood out was my goals and what my plans were for my life. I was training my horse, Buddy, on barrels and wanted to High School Rodeo and eventually go pro with that. I also was heavily involved in the FFA in high school and I wanted to become a State Officer and Papa and I were working on some agricultural projects when he got sick to help me towards that. When I graduated high school my plan was to major in Microbiology, go to Med School, become an Oncologist, and research Melanoma Skin Cancer. (The cancer my Papa died from.) I have many prayers asking for guidance and wisdom to know what to do and what to pursue as I read through the Bible for the first time and learned more and more. My first semester in college, I had a Biology lab and it was there I discovered research might not be the thing for me when we were doing experiments. They would call for precise measurements and I had more of the "Ah close enough" approach. I was also thinking about wanting to get married and have a family and the time being a doctor took, so I decided to go into Nursing instead. Jordan and I had met at that point and it was within the next year that God worked in my heart to focus on the home, which ultimately led to me quitting school so I could work part-time for that good ole health insurance and we could get married sooner.
Life can take some interesting turns that you never saw coming. I accomplished pretty much none of my plans, but the verse that comes to my mind is Proverbs 16:9, "Many are the plans in a mans heart, but the Lord directs his steps." Looking back, I was the healthiest I ever was in high school but it was almost as soon as Jordan and I got married and I turned 21 that my health started tanking again. In God's providence, He knew I would get sick again and for me being around sick people wouldn't be wise at all. In a journal entry dated July 20th of 2003 I write about reading what would become some of my favorite Christian Historical Fiction Books and one of the lessons God showed me through them. I write, "...all the trials and tribulations they faced. Their anger and bitterness at God but their eventual complete trust in Him...no matter what He allowed, he worked it all together to serve His glorious purposes." God makes no mistakes. Life can be hard and difficult--Jord and I's last several years have been nothing like what we would have planned for ourselves. I certainly never imagined I'd really live anywhere other than Arizona and now I'm in Montana and I am more than just surviving my first REAL winter. Before the last three years I never would have admitted that I was angry or bitter towards God over different circumstances in life. I would say I was discontent with not having children, but that's as far as I would go. Yet God knows my heart and He knows what we need to be molded and conformed into His image. Up until this last year, I never would have admitted to being depressed and as I was slipping into the third psychosis episode last summer, I was adamant that other things were going on. It's hard to put into words what its like to go through physical trials involving such extremes of the mind. For now I will just say that it has broken us in ways we needed to be broken before the Lord as we continue to learn to daily depend on Him. Last night I was reading in Galatians 5:5-6 "For we through the Spirit eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness by faith. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision avails anything, but faith working through love." I was reminded yet again that our hope only comes through the work of the Spirit as we wait to become what Christ has made us at the cross. NOTHING we do can add to or take away from His finished work, yet we are called to faithfully run the race He has called us to as it says in my blog themed verse of Hebrews 12:1-3.
As usual, this post ended up going places I didn't know I was headed when I started writing, but that's usually how it goes with me. :) Now I will leave you with a poem I wrote in October of 2003 that encouraged me the other day--it's a funny thing to be encouraged by something I totally didn't remember writing....I actually thought I had copied it from somewhere as I was reading it but got to the end and was like, "Oh, I wrote this??" I hope it encourages you as it did me and as always, thanks for taking time to read what I write and pray for Jordan and I as we continue on this journey called life.
God's Friend
To be called God's friend is an honor for sure...
Despite my deepest follies,
Despite my selfish sin,
Nothing in my heart is hidden from Him,
As it is so cleverly hidden from others,
And yet, still, I am His friend.
He promises He knows my name,
Once I have trusted in him,
A gift never to be taken away...
No matter how short I fall,
And O how short I fear I do...
Nothing can snatch me from his Loving hands.
For I am His and He is mine,
He my light, I His plan...
Working daily to discern,
His precious will for me,
But never once forgetting,
The great price at which I cost,
For my King, my God, my Jesus died for me at Calvary's cross...
And yet, I am still His friend!
This wonder is hard to comprehend,
But day by day I will go to Him,
To praise and worship Him,
With the joy of being His,
And trust that He knows best,
And never forgetting that no matter what,
I will always be His friend.
~Rachelle Thomas~
