Vacation and Some Things I Have Learned

     I left off with my favorite prescription ever: Riding my horse more.  :)  That is a part of the puzzle pieces that Jordan and I, along with family and close friends, are putting together.  For so many years, I have tried to control things that were out of my control, have false guilt over things that I should not feel guilty about and it all lies in the root of pride and fear of man.  When I sin in these ways I am not trusting God for Who He says He is and that His promises are true.  One of the most helpful pieces of counsel I have received through this trial is from Eric Martin, one of the elders of our church and a member of our small group.  He said, "It doesn't matter where you "feel" your identity is.  Your identity as a child of God in Christ doesn't change no matter what you feel."  SO helpful and encouraging for those moments when I don't take my thoughts captive and my emotions get out of control and I place an idol in front of God.  Confess it as sin and it is forgiven. It's paid for.  Christ died for that sin.  Such freedom friends!!  (I will also have to tell you about his wonderful wife, Sarah, who is fast becoming a dear friend and their three beautiful children who have drawn me some really pretty pictures!)  God's grace continues to be poured out on us during this trial as we continue to put one foot in front of the other.  :)  So what does all that have to do with riding my horse more?

     My entire life and the past 8 years of my marriage have consisted of the constant battle of me getting sick, being down for awhile, then as soon as I start to feel even an ounce better, I go for it and try to get all the things done that a wife "should" do that haven't been done in say, two weeks, in one day.  And you can guess what happens: I get sick again.  I have tried submitting my schedule to Jordan and really desiring to let him lead me in this area.  (Just ask my small groups from the last 6 years...many a conversation, admonition, exhortation etc...especially from a certain someone...Amy Leija I may finally actually be heeding some of that advice...who knew I could be as stubborn as you????!!!)  :)  We would sit down on Sunday afternoon and plan out what I could do, who I really had energy to serve etc.  Jordan would say, "Do. Not. Schedule. Anything. Else."  "Ok honey!"  Monday morning rolls around and someone texts me or calls me, "Hey do you want to go get some lunch?"  "Sure!"  After all, that will only be an hour and I should have plenty of energy to clean the house later.  Wrong.  And round and round I went.  Learning to say no to things you love and enjoy and are all good things to do is one of the hardest lessons I have tried to learn and am still learning.  Something tells me I won't be perfect at this until Christ calls me home...and the only reason I will be good then is because I won't have the sin cursed body that gets tired in heaven!  :)

     So the result of the Psychiatrist visit: One month (if not two!) mandatory vacation.  I am not allowed to stress about anything.  I am not expected to do anything but take care of myself and get better.  Wow.  In the past Jord would tell me, "Don't do anything today.  Rest when you need to."  I would say, "Ok." and then feel guilty because I couldn't make him breakfast or pack his lunch or do laundry or cook him dinner or clean the bathroom that was getting on my nerves and thus began the, "I have energy to do just one thing.  That's done...just one more thing..." and the next thing you know he is coming home and I'm exhausted and we have to cancel dinner plans because I did not listen.  Monday morning I asked him if I could vacuum our bathroom because Crash hair (our black lab) was piling up and getting REALLY gross.  He replied, "You can vacuum the bathroom. Then read a book, watch a movie, play on facebook, write on your blog.  Rest. Take your meds/vitamins."  Such freedom to have him specifically tell me it is OK to "play" and be "lazy" all day.  No guilt. No condemnation.  I still see dishes in the sink and think, "I can do those...oh wait, it's ok because everyone knows I'm not supposed to be working right now.  No one will get upset with me that I didn't do 'my job'".  I've discovered just how much I've really needed this.  Jordan has been trying to relieve me of my stress for so many years but I kept picking it right back up.  No more.  I'm having fun and finally recognize how important it is for me to be able to relax and to truly trust that Jord has things under control...and ultimately God does.  Hmmm...didn't think I struggled with submission...big surprise there lol.  :)     

     So what have I been doing this week?  Resting, reading, writing (have some things coming soon!), listening to Resolved messages (discovered I REALLY love messages by Steve Lawson), listening to GBC messages I missed, getting to church in time for Communion on Sunday, fellowship with friends, Skype dates, taking Gianna (our roommate's daughter) swimming while we splash Crash.  Simply relaxing, trusting the Lord, and doing the things that are most important and critical to help me get better.  :)

     How am I feeling physically?  About the same.  My energy is still kaput.  My Mom-in-law was up here yesterday and cooked us three or four meals and brought us groceries and my Mom is coming up to stay through Friday.  I was feeling pretty good so I drove Cathy to lunch and then to take lunch to Jord at Sullivan's Motor Company where he recently started a new job.  He is absolutely LOVING it.  He loves cars and he loves people so it is literally the perfect job for him and I am so thankful he enjoys his job...it truly is a gift from the Lord!  Anyway, we talked with Jord while he ate and then got me back home so I could "crash" for the afternoon.  Once I laid down for awhile, I was able to take Gianna swimming since that is great exercise to get things "moving" in my lungs etc.  Exercise is critical for me and I hadn't been doing that either so it's so nice to not have to worry about conserving energy to make dinner but to know I can exercise in the pool (and have some fun while I'm at it!) and know there was healthy food for Jordan and I to choose from in the fridge.  (Thanks Mom T.!!!!!)  I've been waking up with "the pains" as I call them so am really looking forward to seeing the GI doc on August 2nd and getting that ball rolling to see what's going on there.  I expect I will come out of that appointment with a list of tests to do, but trusting Him and taking one step at a time.  Thanks for your continued prayers, love and support!

Now for some pictures from my "staycation".  :)

 My sweet Puppy, Crash, snuggling with me :)

 My horse and my favorite PJ's from Jord that are

about 9 years old...they are "sweet tarts". :) Can't 

tell you how many hours I spent with Buddy like 

this.  I used to get a book, take him to a grassy spot,

let him eat grass, while I laid on his back and read

a horse book.  :)  

 My sister (Jenny) and brother (Justin)

and me at Jen's Bridal shower.  So

much fun!  :) 

 My sis, me (and Safari!) and my Mom, Denise

 Crashers, Gianna, and me doing my treatments

and devotions Sunday morning.  They both 

wanted to be close to me lol...its a love seat so 

we were nice and cozy...LOVE the snuggles though!

Great way to wear out a 4 year old...get a black 

lab that LOVES to be splashed, but won't acutally

go IN the water and lounge on a pool chair and 

take pictures of the action.  :)