Well, I've been sick since June 4th, I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I love people and love to serve and help people and I'm stuck on a couch right now. We haven't been able to have kids, and I have finally (after 5 1/2 years) come to terms that we may never have kids. My Mom and I just went to NC and they told me I had possible issues with my thryoid, pancreas, gallbladder, liver, and oh yeah, your low on Vitamin K. The NTM bug you are being cultured for can be difficult to get rid of and there is was a slide that was presented in one of the PCD presentations that showed a picture of the NTM eating away the lower part of a PCD patient's lungs and this patient had to have a lung transplant. I always knew that was a possibility, but in my head that was when I was 60, not 30. Oh yeah, my husband had a heart attack in January (it was a virus that attacked his heart and he will 100% be ok for all those that don't know that story for another day), we have moved 3 times in the last 6 months (to which the Psychiatrist said, "Oh, is that all?"), I just reconciled with my Dad and he had an emergency appendectomy while I was in NC. In my head I know God is in control, but in a way I just got him back and don't want him taken away so soon! I hate seeing Jordan and my family hurt and cry for me and oh yeah, we have some family members that are struggling and are not doing well, some that have cancer, my sister is getting married and I'm the Matron of Honor and her bridal shower is this weekend and Aunt Netta had to do most of the work (thank you again!!) because I can't drive myself places and my creative juices are limited to what I can do from the couch, I haven't been this sick since I can't remember when. I went from feeling the best I have felt in a really long time (1 year of no antibiotics...a true miracle for me!) on June 3rd to coughing up blood on June 4th and have had two procedures (bronchoscopy and PICC line), still need to have my port taken out, new doctors appointments to make, new lung doctor, and and and and....
There is STILL more, but you get the picture. I took a deep breath through the tears and looked at my Mom and was like, "My meds aren't making me crazy, I have way too much stress in my life!" When you live with a chronic illness from day one and don't know any different and you become a Christian and as scripture says in one of the Peters, "Don't be surprised at the fiery trials that come to you..." you learn to just "roll with the punches" as they come and I don't really keep track of trial after trial...it's something called life. Then you throw my sin of fear of man (or codependency or people pleaser etc) and pride into the mix and you get 28 years of getting lots of attention for being so sick and that becomes your identity. Some of my PCD pals coined the term, "It's not who you are but what you have." In my head as a Christian for the last 12 years I knew my identity was no longer in anything but Christ as He paid the penalty for my sins and absorbed every ounce of God's wrath for me so that I might have an eternal relationship with Jesus and other believers. However, I still struggled with rejection and making an idol out of attention and acceptance. I am just now recognizing this and putting it into words. The book of the month at our church last month was When People are Big and God is Small and I have had that book recommended to me I don't know how many times but I have never picked it up. It will be one of the first books I purchase so I can mark it up because I know it will speak directly to one of my biggest sin areas. Instead of running to Christ and the gospel I "processed externally" and needed to talk to people and if I didn't get the reaction I was looking for I either tried my "other lists" of things I have endured or under the guise of humility and confessing my sin I would seek attention that way. UGH. Our hearts ARE desperately sick and wicked and yet as Romans 5:8 says, "God demonstrates His love to us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Wow. If you look at the ugliness of sin in your own heart and see who you truly are then realize that as a Christian who has repented and turned from your sin and placed your faith and trust in the work of Christ on the cross ALONE for salvation, God the Father loves you. You are His adopted child. Forever. NOTHING can snatch you out of the Father's hand. There is no more condemnation for you, not even an ounce of wrath, but instead a cup overflowing with blessings (paraphrased from this awesome Little Book, the Gospel Primer) and we are on the road that will only end in heaven. As Josh Miles read from Psalm 103 this morning during our communion meditation (link coming soon!) he expounded on the steadfastness of God's love and my heart fixated on the familiar verse "He heals all your diseases." God's promises are so certain that they could be in the past tense...and in the Hebrew it may very well be. God provided the cure (Jesus Christ) for the worst disease I will ever have and EVERYONE has it...sin. Although my PCD is rare (only 400 people are diagnosed in the world!), my body is "weird", I get tired of explaining every little detail etc, there is a Day coming when I will have a body that works perfectly and will never run out of energy to serve my Lord and Savior as I serve and fellowship with other believers for eternity in the New Heaven and the New Earth He is creating. My heart longs for those days as my body literally falls apart. In this sanctification process, God has brought me to the end of myself and the verses in 2 Corinthians 1 have never resounded so clearly in my heart:
Comfort in Suffering
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who
comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort
those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves
are comforted by God. 5 For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ. 6 Now if we are afflicted, it is
for your consolation and salvation, which is effective for enduring the
same sufferings which we also suffer. Or if we are comforted, it is for
your consolation and salvation. 7 And our hope for you is steadfast, because we know that as you are partakers of the sufferings, so also you will partake of the consolation.
Delivered from Suffering
8 For
we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came
to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so
that we despaired even of life. 9 Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead, 10 who delivered us from so great a death, and does deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us, 11 you also helping together in prayer for us, that thanks may be given by many persons on our behalf for the gift granted to us through many.
He is a loving Father who pursues us vigilantly until we "get it" and He graciously answers prayers we prayed in very different ways than we expected but in the very best way for us because He knows us better than we know ourselves. I prayed for God to reveal my sin to me because I had a hard time "seeing" my sin and confessing specific sins. Apparently, (ok Mom already knew this!) I am a very stubborn person and for 28 years was living with the "I got this, I can do this, I can suffer well for the glory of God, I can show people what it looks like to suffer with the joy of Christ, I can, I can I can, I got this God, I don't need You..." It took all those trials and more that I am still processing internally and have not even begun to share for God to TRULY bring me to my knees...for me to humbly confess, "Lord, I am weary, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Lord, I am angry and frustrated at all the things that I feel have been "taken away" because of PCD: children, getting my ears wet (snorkling, swimming, knee boarding, etc), I am angry that I had to learn to take care of Jordan and he had to have a heart attack and Bill and Cathy and my Mom and Dad want to have Grandchildren and I don't know if I will ever be able to give them that, I have to have a minimum of two hours to even be able to get out the door because of my treatments and when we go somewhere with a group people, they get ready while I do my treatments and then I feel rushed because I don't want to keep everyone waiting. I am hurt and angry and bitter that my family and friends have to watch me hurt again and again and again and again and its only going to get worse. I want to be able to drive myself to the stor and cook my own food and take Jordan lunch and be the wife I want to be and not be the failure I feel like I am being right now. Lord so much sin that boils down to the fear of man and my pride and discontent. So much ugliness but Christ, you absorbed the wrath for every single one of those sins. You took the nails in your wrists, You took the lashings that I deserve. For so long I have felt like I have to explain and justify everything to everybody because I don't like having to be different when I want to fit in. Lord, I try to explain everything to everybody and apologize constantly to Jordan because he has to help me in so many ways that I want to be able to do for myself. Lord in Your great and unfathomable mercy, You died for that sin. It's paid for. It's forgiven. It is finished. You completed the work you began. I am justified because of Your death on the cross and I will one day be glorified and free from this wretched body and flesh and sin. O for that Day Lord! Thank You that for the first time in my life, I don't feel like I have to tell everybody about everything so they "understand" why I have to take 20 pills along with breakfast, lunch, and dinner, or why I'm late, or why I could ride my horse an hour ago and now I just threw up and can't get off the couch. I'm exhausted and worn out because I've been trying to be perfect. Jesus, You are the only One that is perfect. Thank You that You died for that sin and that for the first time I truly understand You created me, You know me, You know why I have to do what I have to (even better than me!) and that is TRULY all that matters. Thank You for taking the burden of my sin, my illness, my loved ones salvation, Jordan's hurt and pain watching me suffer, my family's hurt and pain watching me suffer...You have shown me I cannot do it on my own even though I have tried for 28 years. You are God and You have it all under control. And that is all that matters...may I truly learn to rest in Your everlasting, loving arms. You are my "Abba" Father, my Daddy who I can run to with the biggest mess I've ever made and You welcome me into Your arms and love me and hold me and know EXACTLY how to comfort me and what I need without me having to tell you. Thank You Father!
In Jesus Precious Name,
Amen.
Friends, I cannot remember feeling so much freedom...and Mom, the Truth does indeed set You free...all because of Jesus!
My favorite prescription I ever got from a doctor..."Ride your horse more." Check!
More to come,
Rachelle :)
I am praising God that He is so kind to reveal our sin to us- and then give a healing balm in the gospel. Jesus came to rescue us from that sin!
ReplyDeletePraising God that He is revealing to you more of your heart, and for your humility in this post. And I pray that as you continue to view these sins in light of the gospel, that Jesus' work on the cross would become more and more dear to you.
When we do not see our sin as God does, His work on the cross is cheapened. I have been constantly dwelling on this today as the Lord has revealed some things to me that are uncomfortable to deal with. Praying that I rejoice in Him alone, and that I do not faint under the discipline of the Lord- I pray the same for you.
Amen friend! Looking forward to getting to come to small group soon (Lord willing maybe to girls group tonight!) and sharing more of what He is graciously showing me. He is so good and so thankful for the body of Christ, but particularly for you and Eric and the role you are playing in bringing the gospel to Jord and I through this trial...and having fun "redeeming the time" in ways we didn't expect or plan for but having fun driving home from a doctor appointment together and taking pictures and having fun with the kids! Treasure your friendship friend! Been thinking and praying for you and Nathan and the rest of the crew off and on all day! Love you!
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