Running With Hope (Hebrews 12:1-3): A December to Remember (Part 2)

I have many memories from December 14^th but they are not all in order and my memories don’t correspond with things that actually happened. Something serious was going on with my body—I could feel differences but thought it had to do with steroids and hormones mixing and was concerned about continuing to take all the drugs and what that would do to the babies. I called two of my doctors and finally got an appointment mid-day. On the drive there I told Jordan that I thought something big was happening and God was going to use my story to bring Him glory—and my story was going to spread all over the world. This was the first of many thoughts and feelings that I voiced that came from my heartfelt desires, but had no basis at the time—the prednisone was starting to cause the psychosis but we still didn’t know what was happening. My lung function test showed that they were considerably lower than normal—I again thought this proved a pregnancy, but in reality, I hadn’t been doing my treatments or sleeping, causing the lower results. They also got the ultrasound results, showing it was cysts and not a pregnancy, but I was insistent on getting a second ultrasound. Jord and my Mom had to convince me that it wouldn’t matter if we waited a month to get another one done—what I really needed to do was to go home and sleep. I remember recognizing that I looked crazy. Later I remember talking to Mom and Dad T. and talking about everything being the result of a prednisone buzz. I tried to nap, but couldn’t fall asleep and remember not knowing what reality was—I remembered believing I was pregnant and also just as wholeheartedly believing it was all the prednisone. Realizing there were these two opposing views and both couldn’t be true, I remember walking through everything with Jordan and then asking him what he thought it was based on everything that was going on—I was still clinging to the hope of my great God of miracles—this would be easy for Him! However, it was not to be.

What ensued is a mish mash of memories at this point. I remember calling our old Pastor in hysterics telling him that all I knew was that I was a Christian and something bad was going on. I remember my dear friend Shirley coming over, who is also a nurse, and trying to help me focus. I remember telling her I didn’t want to leave Jordan and praying together. They took me to the first of two emergency room visits—I was telling everyone the rapture was coming and lots of other things. In the midst of it all, at times when asked a specific medical question, I would become totally lucid and be able to answer all the questions for myself. Jordan was by my side and I remember telling him I didn’t want to go to sleep because the steroids and hormones were interacting and I needed help now, so I couldn’t sleep or I would die. There are lots of blank spots where I thought I was sleeping, but I’ve been told I was talking and definitely not sleeping during those times. That was the first night of not sleeping for five days straight and talking instead.

Both emergency rooms had determined it was the prednisone and as I was tapering off as quickly as was safe, they told Jordan to take me home and let me sleep. The problem was at this point, the drug had so affected me that I couldn’t sleep. They were at a loss as to what to do—and none of my doctors were able to help. It was during this time that family would come to visit and we would take walks and I thought we were in the Millennial Kingdom and dancing on streets of gold in heaven, that we were at the marriage supper of the Lamb and ultimately by some bizarre twist, I became Christ. In reality, we were at Bill and Cathy’s house and I was very much still alive and still Rachelle. I remember being scared and the only thing that could calm me down was listening to sermons or music on my IPOD laying down in between Jordan and my dog, Crash. Two of my friends were praying very specifically that I wouldn’t remember the bad stuff—and God answered because I’ve been told I would go from being happy thinking I was in heaven to sobbing curled up in a ball, to being angry and throwing things, and even to suicidal thoughts—of which I virtually have no memory. This is another testimony to God’s amazing kindness and mercy. However, the storm was still in full swing, I wasn’t getting any better and my family was at a loss as to what to do.

Thankfully, God had not left us—He was guiding us every step of the way. He could have intervened and made the suffering shorter, but He chose not to. Another Aunt is also a nurse and works with psychiatrists. She contacted several and even though he was booked for months and didn’t accept my health insurance he agreed to see me that evening—for a fraction of the cost of a visit. I remember bits and pieces of that evening and I gave the grand performance—the doctor was God, I was Jesus, and we were orchestrating events to help a dear friend I have prayed for often. In my delirium I believed everything I ever prayed for was going to come true—if you don’t know me, I spend a lot of time praying and reading the Bible because of the hour long breathing treatments I have to do three times a day—and I had prayed for a lot of things over the years. Thankfully, he knew what medicine to put me on to begin to reverse the psychosis. Not only that, but he gave us free samples of the very expensive medication—another amazing example of God’s provision! Jordan and my family were warned that because I had gone so far into the delirium (I was REAL close to being committed into a psych ward!), he didn’t know if I was going to come back, and if I did, if there would be any permanent side effects.

That night I remember Jordan setting me up to do my evening treatments and throwing my inhaler portion at him and trying to get Cathy’s attention that I was Jesus and everything was going to be ok because I could tell she was really upset. Jord was trying to give me the medication but I didn’t want to take anything because I was Jesus and didn’t need it. Jord had patiently been by my side through this entire ordeal thus far—loving and caring for me, listening to me talk nonstop, and I’m sure praying incessantly that I would come back. I remember him handing me the medication and I took it simply because he was my husband and I’m supposed to listen to him—praise God for our Christ centered marriage or I don’t know what would have happened! I don’t remember anything after that until a few days before Christmas. A dear friend, Meridith, came to see me and one of my very first memories was her rubbing my back singing hymns to me. That was the start of a very long and tedious recovery that still has not been completed (at the time of writing).

There was Christmas Eve at my parent’s house when I got overwhelmed by all the conversations going on around me and broke down in tears—my brain was on overload. Jord held me while I sobbed. I took lots of pictures during this time and looking back, I remember more of the pictures instead of the actual moments. I would try to convince people I was “back” because I was remembering things and more myself—or so I thought. Friends from church would come to the house and spend the day with me so Jord could continue working on fixing up the house so we could get an appraisal done. He had asked to be laid off in December since his job was slow at that time so he could have time to work on the house. Instead, he spent most of December by my side—again another kindness of God! We thought he was taking time off for one reason when in reality God knew I would need him more than ever.

Jordan started his new job in Chandler January 3^rd—and his first assignment was to fly to Denver, CO and drive a truckload of parts back to Phoenix. I couldn’t drive or be alone and was still on super high doses of meds at that point so I had to stay with my parents and only see him on the weekends. This was one of the hardest times for me—I had just “woken up” basically and now Jord had to leave. I was still pretty fearful of stuff at times and the weather was bad and I was worried about Jordan getting in an accident and never seeing him again. It was a crucial moment for me—we are very close and I had made him an idol in my heart—I had to learn to TRULY trust him to God and trust that God was in control and would carry me through whatever happens in life. Looking back, the low point for Jordan was having to trust ME to God when they had no answers after the second emergency room visit and I wasn’t getting any better on my own—and he had no idea if I ever would. Thinking back on these events I am reminded of Isaiah 43:1-3a “But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the LORD your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior.’” We were walking through the fiery trial together, clinging to Him and His precious promises.

I got better each week and friends in Phoenix agreed to stay with me during the day at the end of the first week so I could spend more than Saturday with Jordan. It was a sweet reunion. Another family that we are very close to had moved to Gilbert on January 1^st—two days before Jordan started his job. We had been in the same small group at our church in Tucson for the last 3 years and had no idea that God would guide us both to the same city—at a time when we needed them. I was able to stay with them during the day on a regular basis so I could be with Jordan after he got off work. Fabian and Amy had met working with mentally and physically disabled adults and knew the medications I was on—another evidence of God’s awesome provision and kindness. It is also a testimony to the fact that NOTHING in our lives is purposeless—we may never know why God has us get certain training or go through certain experiences in life but we can trust that He has a plan and a purpose behind everything.

Looking back, there are lots of lessons that I learned and areas in my life that God continues to work on. The Christian life is one of continually seeking to become more like Christ and God uses trials to accomplish that purpose. Many of you know that God has blessed me with a very good memory and I can be prideful about that at times and take it for granted. Through this trial, I was reminded of Nebuchadnezzar in the book of Daniel—God made him go crazy for seven years as judgment against his pride. Our lives are dependent on the One who made us—He has graciously given me a good memory but He showed me that it ALL belongs to Him—He gives and He takes away. Not capriciously, but in His sovereign, loving plan that He has for each one of us. By His grace, He led us to a doctor that knew the correct medicine to reverse the psychosis. I had already been given medication that made the psychosis worse at one of the emergency rooms—it is no accident that my Aunt knew the right doctor and that he was willing to see me—God was watching over me.

The mind is a mysterious thing and doctors cannot fully comprehend why one patient reacts one way and another does not. It is simply a testament to our finite minds—we will never understand everything about our universe because we are not God. I learned to trust God in a whole new way—at the darkest points, all I knew was that I was a Christian and the promises He has in His Word to never leave me nor forsake me and that He is in control. I had no idea what was going on around me, but His Spirit kept me and protected me through many difficult situations.

One of the most encouraging things was that even though my mind was gone, so to speak, I still knew everyone around me needed to know about Jesus Christ. He is “the way, the truth, and the life and no one comes to the Father except through Him.” as the bible says in John 14:6. He is the reason I am able to endure all of my health trials with joy—I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that because Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins (and yours!) I am now clothed in His righteousness and able to enter the kingdom of Heaven and will one day have a heavenly body that works perfectly! There were times in December that my mind had twisted and I thought I was there—in reality Heaven is so much more than we can ever imagine and I’m so thankful it is not going to be what my mind thought it was. Most importantly, those who trust in Christ will be worshiping Him for all eternity. Without Christ, you are simply storing up wrath for the Day of Judgment and will be cast into hell forever. I beseech you to repent of your sins and place your faith and trust in the only One who can save you—my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Jord and I wouldn’t have made it through this trial without Him and we may have endured it simply to have the opportunity to share the gospel with you.

December and January were probably two of the hardest if not the hardest months I’ve ever had to walk through. We often wonder why trials keep coming or compare our lives with others that don’t seem to have it as bad as we do. As Christians, God has begun a work in us (Philippians 1:6) and He will complete it. The Christian walk is often a hard path to take—we are strangers in this world that holds so many temptations for us. Satan and his minions walk about like a roaring lion seeking whom they may devour (1 Peter 5:8) and we continue to struggle against our own sinful flesh. God Himself brings trials to us to refine us and make us more like His Son. In the midst of the psychosis I was fixated on the “fact” that the whole thing was a satanic attack. Spiritual warfare is real—otherwise Paul would not have written in Ephesians to put on our spiritual armor and stand ready prepared for the attacks. However, there are other things it could have been as well—God disciplines and refines those He loves—it could have been for me or even someone around me. It could simply have been another trial to strengthen Jord and I’s relationship with the Lord and with each other. There are many facets to it and the fact of the matter is, no matter who or what caused it, (satan, doctors, God, drugs, or any combination thereof) ultimately God is in total control and NOTHING comes to me that has not first been approved by Him. Isaiah 45:7 says, “I form the light and create darkness, I make peace and create calamity; I, the LORD, do all these things.” Romans 8:28-29 says “ALL things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purposes. For those whom He foreknew, He predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son…” Everything that happens to me in life will ultimately make me more like Christ as He molds me and shapes me and prepares me for my heavenly home. We will never understand exactly why certain things happen. All we can do is cling to the truths and promises of God’s Word knowing He is a loving and faithful God. December truly is a month to remember with many practical and spiritual lessons. As I continue to run the race He has called me to run, I long to bring Him glory in all I do so that when I am finally, TRULY home, I will hear those precious words, “Well done, good and faithful servant—enter into the joy of your Lord.” Come quickly Lord Jesus!