The "Control" Issue :)

I don't have much time so I'm copying my facebook status here.  I'm finishing up my treatments and headed back up to the conference on the 3rd floor.  Will write more later...so many emotions though!  Talking to multiple women around my age and we can talk about this drug and that drug and what color is your mucus and what are you growing and we don't have to explain anything...we all not only understand with a head knowledge, we all know what it feels like to struggle to breathe, to have side effects from drugs, to wonder not only, CAN I get pregnant, but SHOULD I get pregnant...I didn't sleep well last night between my lower back pain (coughed it out again so pray for the plane ride home!), chest tightness, my right wrist is sore again because I haven't been doing exercises and been using it more because my PICC line is in my left arm and physically I am just spent.  Add all the emotions in there and you get the picture.  Talking to everyone and then starting to process, thyroid, liver, gallbladder (possible explanation to my "pains" all these years...more later on that one!), enzymes, not absorbing food correctly, etc can get overwhelming and I was struck with the mortality of this disease.  I think for years I've not really truly processed the fact that there are serious complications, (took that more seriously when my 32 year old friend I had just met 6 months prior with PCD suddenly died from drug interactions trying to deal with an infection), and even after my whole Prednisone/Levaquin Psychosis not sleeping for 5 days almost dying bit, it doesn't seem real.  Suddenly, seeing all these people, hearing similar stories (every single person at our table had collapsed lungs at birth and spent at least 10 days in NICU with no explanation to parents), and "unsmasking the faces of PCD" as the motto of the foundation goes it all just hit me.  Then my Bio-Dad who I have really recently started to truly restore a relationship with has to go in for an emergency appendectomy.  The facade of the "control" I had over my disease (it was in its nice little compartment of "this is just my life and the way it has to be") and God continuing to show me that I have no control when others suffer (and in reality I don't have control when I suffer even though its so much easier for me to suffer than watch others I love so much suffer!), is throwing me on Him..."Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, casting all your cares on Him for He cares for you." One of the Peter's 5 something (7 I think...) comes to my mind and so incredibly thankful I can shepherd my heart towards the gospel of Jesus Christ knowing He IS in control and go to places like Revelation 4 and 5 (so thankful for this study smallgroup!!!!) and Romans 8 and be reminded of His unsurpassed care, love, mercy, compassion and that I am His adopted child.  I long for others around me who suffer without Him to know Him and know the peace that I have.  I can't make that happen and I KNOW that in my head, but so much harder to "let go" and trust the One who is TRULY in control.  Pray for my heart friends...I long to trust Him and glorify Him in all that I do but I'm struggling right now and all these emotions literally broadsided me last night and just processing this morning and even as I write.  Sarah, I continually go back to what we talked about...no matter what happens, may God be glorified best in each situation and He knows what that looks like and it doesn't always make sense to us this side of heaven, but praise God, we know He knows whats best as His thoughts and His ways are higher than ours.  (Isaiah 55)

In the Love of the Lamb,
Rachelle :)

My facebook post below:

Realizing that I can "handle" my own suffering quite easily but when others I love have to suffer physically (Jord and his heart attack) my desire to be in control comes tumbling out. My bio-Dad had an emergency appendectomy last night and I know I can pray but I can't be there and meeting people here with PCD and story after story of suffering and more importantly, suffering without the hope of ...Christ, some struggle with depression, anxiety, etc. Pray for my heart that I would trust the One Who IS on His throne and IS in control....know this in my head but my flesh is fighting for control and wanting to DO something for those around me. God is continuing to give me a deeper understanding of all those that watch me suffer physically...o for that Day when Christ comes back and rules and reigns and for those who trust in Him, we will be free from suffering forever!!!!! Unbeliever: this sin cursed world is the closest you will ever get to heaven if you reject Christ now....my heart is pleading and praying and beseeching you to suffer with the hope of Christ, knowing He completely paid your debt on the cross when He died in payment for your sins and mine to satisfy God's Holy Wrath!