The Desires of my Heart

I originally posted this last July when Jordan bought me my dream truck...we only had it for a couple of months as we reconciled the medical bills with the logistics of a big diesel truck in Phoenix...Jordan got zealous and his biggest fear is losing me so when I was so sick for so long (well what we thought was long...I'm STILL not well from last summer!), he wanted to get me my dream truck "while I could still enjoy it."  I'm praying next July I'm on a cruise with my honey and the Duck Dynasty crew but we'll see what God has for us!  :)  I want to tell you all more about my Papa so here is the first one you need to read...I'm "reposting" it so it's easier to get to :) 

Original post from 7/28/12 :) 
   
 Life is an intersting journey.  As I write, several of my close friends are saying goodbye to loved ones.  Their time on this earth is almost up...death always makes you stop and think about the things that REALLY matter in life.  My first memory of a funeral was my Great Grandpa Kitterman.  I was little so Aunt Claudia took us kids "exploring" while everyone else went to the funeral...I remember going to the church fellowship hall after and running up to everyone asking, "Did you cry?"  As a young child different things can be fascinating while not grasping the fact that someone your family loved very much is no longer on this earth.
     NE122...VA hopspital room...Melanoma...Papa has 6 months to two years.  Writing those words still brings a chill to my body and tears to my eyes.  My beloved Grandfather, Papa, was gone in 4 months.  I was 15 and my world was shattered.  You see, my Papa wasn't what I perceived as the "typical grandparents."  He was like a Dad...so many life lessons that I will never forget.  I'm sure I'll have to do several blog posts just to help you see who my Papa was...he taught me to back up a truck in between two irrigation ditches (don't fall in!), we broke every safety law known to man when it came to tractors--like the time when Mom was out of town and we were moving pallets around on the farm.  When he would unload the pallet, my brother, sister, and I would jump up on the fork lift and he would raise it as high as it could go and then drop us then raise us up...better than any ride at the fairgrounds!!  :)  At 14, he was taking me to business meetings and always had me asking questions and excited for the future that was ahead of me.  He was in research and development in agriculture and was absolutely brilliant.  He invented a fly trap that is non-toxic and works...my Mom and I were rolling them yesterday by the horse pens to try and get some control of the summer flies and it was a sweet moment just to think of Papa and all the memories we made in the short 15 years I was alive and had the privelege of knowing him.  Losing loved ones is the most painful thing on this earth.  God designed us to desire relationships and although because of sin they are imperfect, there is still so much beauty and wonder in how no two people are alike and each person in your life brings a dimension to your life that no one else can.  These relationships point us to the One who created us...God used losing my Papa to bring me to Himself.  I am so incredibly grateful for that precious gift of eternal life.  Though I wish a thousand times over Papa was back, God has a plan and a purpose in everything, and especially the most painful things in our lives.  It is in those valley's that our eyes are looking to the heavens, eager to see what God is trying to show us.  We feel our deepest need for our Savior in those valley's.  Those moments when you feel you cannot take in another breath, He is there...

His word promises from Isaiah 40:

Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the Lord,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
²⁹ He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
³⁰ Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
³¹ But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.   

What glorious promises from above!  Life is full of sorrow but also many wonderful joys.  A sweet friend of mine prayed for me yesterday that, "Lord, sometimes the night is long and hard, but help Rachelle to remember that joy comes in the morning."  The valleys are difficult.  I can't tell you how many endorphins I produced from emotional cries yesterday.  ;)  Lots of M&M's flying around...but a Mom's shoulder to cry on, a hubby to remind me not to stress and know he's praying for me, friends asking how I'm doing at just the right time.  I'm still in Colossians 1...this time God used verse 23, 
"...if indeed you continue in the faith, grounded and steadfast, and are not moved away from the hope of the gospel which you heard, which was preached to every creature under heaven, of which I, Paul, became a minister."  I listened to my top "go to" worship songs by Sovereign Grace Ministries...Out of the Depths and Valley of Vision.  Sitting on the couch, Bible on my lap, tears in my eyes, but heart and mind focused on the God who loves me.  Who gave Himself for me.  Who is carrying me through this long hard night.  We always want out of our difficult circumstances, but when we persevere and "abide under" as He calls us to in James 1, He uses these trials to draw us closer to Himself and remind me, yet again, that HE is the ONLY One who can satisfy my soul.  And yet He delights to pour out blessing upon blessing.  My husband is just such an example of the "above and beyond kindnesses" of our Savior.  I know I've said it before, but he is my priceless gift from above, for which I cannot praise and thank God enough! 

Living with chronic illness poses many stresses on your relationship, not the least of which can be finances.  Couple that with getting married at 20 and coming from upper middle-class American homes and going to a newly-married budget and our desires to have what we have always had and you get the recipe for spending every penny you got for the wedding and then some.  But God.  Those sweet, precious words.  Though we have made many a mistake with finances, God always provides.  He has shown us over and over that when you are obedient to Him and His word, He blesses that obedience. And even when you sin and make a mess of your finances He still gracioulsy provides in amazing ways!!  Anyone that knows us well at all just laughs and shakes their head when vehicles come up.  In almost 8 years of marriage, Jordan and I have had 13 vehicles...if I counted right.  ;)  We also had to do an addition on our home in Tucson to get AC, tile, no mold, etc for my lungs.  Add to the fact we bought the house at the peak of the market and we are in the same boat as lots of people across the country.  God ALWAYS provides though...He truly is Jehovah-Jireh!  Although we have made lots of mistakes, and my health not only costs lots of money out of pocket every year, but being on medical disability to get health insurance means that I CAN'T work, even if I found something that could work around me getting sick.  So, I add more bills to the relationship and I'm not able to get a "typical" job to help pay for said bills.  Jordan has never shirked from his responsibility as a provider--there was one point that he had three jobs to help us make ends meet.  That is one of his strongest characteristics:  he is a hard worker and I know he will always do whatever it takes to provide for me.  He is also very generous.

     Many of you that know me well could probably name what my dream truck has always been.  Yes, truck--country girl!  :)  When I was 13, my Mom asked me if I wanted to have the 1988 Pontiac Grand Am to drive when I turned 16.  In all my "maturity", I got an attitude, and said, "But Mom, I want my F-350 to pull my 6 horse slant live-in quarters horse trailer to high school rodeos when I turn 16!!" Uh yeah.  I drove the Pontiac...the paint had rusted, no AC, helped Dad replace the alternator, a family friend helped me put new AC in it, replaced the battery etc etc...lets just say I learned a lot about car engines driving that car!  :)  I've still been dreaming all these years and although my sweet hubby has always been a Chevy guy, my answer to the question, "if you could have any vehicle you wanted, what would it be" has always been an F-350.  Through a series of events of "praying and going" and God closing (in my mind slamming!) doors we thought were open, we have three vehicles right now...working at a car dealership, Jordan is going to get to drive a vehicle home so we really only need one.  He just traded in all three of our vehicles and got me my dream truck!!!!!  He is on his way to pick me up at my parent's house and I am like a little kid...so excited and can't wait!!!!!!  In the midst of this trial, there have been lots of blessings just like this one.  You are down and hurting and miserable and God blesses you in different ways with just the right person, just the right verse, just the right song, at just the right time.  In my case, He gave me "just the right man" when I needed him the most...and didn't even know it.  August will be 10 years ago that Jordan and I met and I will eternally praise Jesus for giving me the man I call my husband...beyond blessed to have him walk this earthly sojourn with me.  I love you honey!!!!!!!

Marrying the Man God Made Just for Me...

This picture is one of my favorites...you can

see just how very much he treasures me!!

Blessed Beyond Measure,

Rachelle :) 



  

Fever Back...Please Pray :)

Woke up feeling great this morning...even went on a walk with my hubby.  Toresa (our roommate) was saying goodbye and she said I felt warm.  I took my temp and it was 99.3...that explains why I'm exhausted and can hardly keep my eyes open.  I took some tylenol and an hour later fever at 99.5, so waiting for that two hour marker when I can take IB profin and have an email into one of my doctors.  So it's an "in bed" kind of day today...going to put a movie on that I have seen a million times over, (thinking "Ever After" one of my all time favorites...or Pride and Prejudice...or Lord of the Rings...or Sound of Music...hmmm I have a difficult decision ahead of me!) so I can fall asleep and wake up and know exactly what is going on.  ;)

Please pray:

1) For the fever to go away

2) Wisdom for doctors

3) That I would truly rest today

4) That I would be able to go to small group...missing it so bad!!

5) That I would trust His plans and joyfully submit if the fever doesn't break and I have to miss small group again.  

Thanks everyone!  Hope you all have a blessed day trusting Him!

In His Everlasting Arms,

Rachelle :)  

Dancing in the rain with Hannah Lemke last summer...

Seemed like a fitting picture for today.  It's been

"pouring" around here with trials, but He is good

and faithful...carrying us through every step of the way

as we keep our eyes fixed on Him!  :) 

M&M is not a Candy...

     I coined a new term this morning...M&M is not a candy but a "Meltdown Moment".  :)  You could probably tell from yesterday's post that I am struggling...simply "tired and weary".  Prayers are greatly appreciated for me and for Jordan!  After melting down on Jord this morning, we talked for a little bit and through his leadership, being in the Word, calling a friend to pray with me, and the Spirit working in my heart I am able to recognize more easily what is at the root of everything.  First of all, it's approaching "that time of month" so emotions are generally harder to control in "normal" life mode, so throw in everything we have been through the last 7 1/2 weeks and its a recipe for emotional chaos...Jordan's attempts at making me laugh made me cry and thus ensued the, "Just hold me and let me cry!" meltdown. He has learned to do this through lots of practice in almost 8 years of marriage and I have finally learned a question that helps us both: I asked him to pray for me and the Spirit was gracious to bring peace to my heart and Jordan was able to leave for work with a much more pleasant wife kissing him goodbye.

     I got around to my morning treatments and was providentially in Colossians...I came to Colossians 1:24 and Paul was telling the Colossian believers that he is rejoicing in his sufferings.  Those words stopped me in my tracks, as I prayed to God, "But I DON'T want to rejoice...I'm miserable right now!"  For two days I had a glimpse of some sort of "normalcy" in my life...running my own errands, cooking a meal, hanging out with a friend at her house (and I drove myself there!), running to the dealership to see Jord...and this morning I was so incredibly exhausted and wiped out all I could do was cry.  I reflected on WHY I was so emotional and discovered that through every "valley" of PCD thus far, I have been able to, after a time of rest, slowly integrate my "wifely duties" back into my days with no issues...not so this time around.  Jordan and I started to slip back into "normal" mode over the weekend and I started crashing this morning and I had to ask for HIS help.  In my pride, I don't want to ask him to help...it's MY job to be his helper...not the other way around.  Our church has graciously and wonderfully served us for the last 7 1/2 weeks...pridefully I don't want to ask for any more help because it "exceeds Rachelle's helping limit...miraculously the help is cut off at 7 1/2 weeks."  Wrong.  God humbled me through His Word and the Shepherding of my heart through the Gospel...this poem is a result of my heart shepherding when I ran smack-dab into Colossians 1:24 this morning:

 To Shepherd my Heart
Colossians 1:24 "I now rejoice in my sufferings..."

Lord I hurt and my heart grows weary and tired,

I DON'T want to rejoice,

But alas, Your Spirit reminds me of the Gospel,

Your body bruised, beaten, weary, and worn,

Suffering in my place,

The place where if you judged MY sin,

In my place condemned I would be.

But what grace...

"There is therefore now no condemnation..."

"For I consider that the present sufferings are not

worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed..."

Lord, my heart and my soul cry out

with the creation for that Day...

That Day when because of YOU I will be free,

That Day when I will fall at your feet

And worship You for all of eternity,

Endlessly praising You for these days...

These days when I am so weak,

But, O Lord, You are so strong...

The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places,

You have taken wordly things away,

But, O Lord, You are my inheritance...

You have given me Yourself!

What more do I need?

The answer is there...gently whispered to my soul...

Nothing...

Because in MY place condemned You stood.

You bore the stripes that I deserve,

Jesus, give me the strength to bear this trial,

This trial that YOU have promised,

Is for my good and Your glory!

O Lord, my heart's desire is to follow hard after You

To run the race You have called me to...

Bringing You honor and glory in ALL I do...

And yet You continually remind me,

That I simply CANNOT do it without YOU!

Rachelle Thomas

My heart desperately needed that verse this morning.  My reading plan said to read all of Colossians and Philemon...I didn't get past chapter one, but God answered my prayers and met me in His Word right where I needed Him the most.  Thank you Chris, Sarah, and Jamie for teaching us ladies faithfully through Wellspring (GBC's lady's Bible Study) that we are to "Shepherd our heart toward the Word of God so that we may know the God of the Word."  Those disciplines ARE sinking into this stubborn little heart of mine and bearing much fruit.  Christ's body is such a sweet place to be...to Him be the glory for the fruit the Spirit is bringing through our local body, as we all follow hard after Him, making much of Jesus and His Word!

In the Love of the Lamb,

Rachelle :)

                                          

                                 Jord and I at one of our favorite places to stay...

                                  The Junipine Resort in Oak Creek 

Invisible Illness

"Well, you LOOK great!"  A simple encouraging word from a stranger I have just met and cannot believe I have a chronic illness, a friend trying to find something positive to say to the list of things that I unloaded on them when they asked how I was "really" doing, any number of well meaning people, or that person that says it, with eyebrows raised, intimating that you CANNOT possibly be THAT sick because you were just riding your horse, or doing your job, or exercising, or fill in the blank.  Someone was trying to encourage me today with those words and I turned to Jord and said, "I just don't know how to respond to that statement, especially right now."  I mentioned something to a fellow "PCD Mom" through text last week and she responded with, "Ugh, the old, you look great comment...my absolute worst pet peeve ever!!! I know they mean well, but that sentence just makes my blood boil! It's just not what you want to hear when you know how sick you all have been."  Her little girl has PCD and all of us "PCD pals" cannot explain how one hour we will feel fine and the next we can barely move for any number of reasons.  Throw in a few people that doubt your really that sick, plus the fear of man, and I feel the need to "justify" or "explain" to people, even family that knows me so well, that an hour ago I was exercsing with Jordan, but now I need you to go get me water because I'm light headed, dizzy, and nauseous and if I move I'm going to lose what little breafkast I was able to keep down already. 
     In reflecting on my day today, I am getting that comment more frequently lately, because I am slowly integrating "normal" activities back into my life.  It's been a long 7 1/2 weeks and the road ahead is going to be anything but smooth.  As I sit here writing these words, truly reflecting on the last 7 1/2 weeks and looking forward to what the future may hold I am brought to tears.  I'm tired.  I know God will give me the energy and grace and strength when I need it but now is one of those moments when I just need to cry and mourn the loss of so many things.  Talk to me in an hour and you will find no trace of tears, but these quiet moments with the Lord...not angrily asking, "why me??!!" or throwing my fist into the air demanding that I get a different life, but simply crying out to the Lord...the physical pain, the energy that is non-existant after being gone from the house for only four hours--and for two of those all I was doing was sitting on the couch next to Heidi snuggling sweet litttle Hudson--the longing for a body that doesn't hurt, feel pain, or thwart "my plans" for my day.  Then I remember the Gospel and I am thankful that One Day, all because of Jesus, I WILL have that heavenly body and I will worship Him without growing weary for all of eternity.  On days like today, when all I want is to have ONE DAY to be able to be the wife I long to be for my husband--be able to get up with him, make him breakfast, pack his lunch, serve a Mom from church, do my treatments, maybe take a short nap, then make dinner and have energy to talk to him when he comes home.  Those are the days I was used to for the last year and a half.  That is what I am missing right now.  My PCD pals will be able to empathize with having to adjust to a new "new normal" as things progress.  Life for us is constantly changing...the reason that comment can put a burr under our saddle is simply this: there is not a single day of my entire life that I can remember not feeling some sort of pain or having to "cater" to PCD so that I didn't get sicker.  I remember a manager responding with, "But you LOOK fine" when I asked to go home early because I was rapidly going downhill.  All she could see was my typical "bubbly" self, serving the customers--she couldn't see the pain I was feeling to take in a breath, or that I knew I was on the verge of "the pains" which are completely debilitating, or that I pushed myself to come to work because I didn't want to have to call in again (and we really couldn't afford for me to miss another day...) and that as soon as I make it in the door at home, I will likely be in bed for the rest of the day.  I have never known a day without a runny nose or a yucky cough or taking some assortment of pills, inhalers, or any other part of the myriads of things that I have to do EVERY DAY to simply be a good steward of what God has given me and give myself the best opportunity to be healthier.  There is no "healthy" in our category...it's "what bug are you growing now, what antibiotic options do you have that you haven't already exhausted, how long will that work, if I don't take something what is the risk of long term damage to my lungs, etc etc etc.

     The bottome line:  I may not look sick but that is simply because if I "acted" the way my body felt every day, there would not be a day that I would want to get out of bed.  You learn to live with pain and "push through it" to where you don't even recognize it as pain unless it gets really bad.  God has blessed me a high pain tolerance and two Aunts that are nurses.  I distinctly remember one night when I left a Blue Chip Leadership meeting early from the UofA where I was attending school because I started to get "the pains."  They got so bad I coulnd't make it home so I stopped at my Aunt Dawn's house.  She asked me to rate my pain on a scale of 1-10.  I told her 6 and I remember her turning to my friend, Melisa, and telling her, "That's a 12 on a 'normal' person's pain scale."  My eardrum burst as a child and I never even complained to my Mom.  My sweet hubby knows me well enough that he can see through the "mask" and I can be in debilitating pain towards the end of small group (nights are bad for "the pains", as well as sugar, which I have almost totally cut out of my diet now...) or any other get together and no one would have a clue but I can catch his eye and he knows we need to leave.  As soon as we get in the car, I lay the seat back and sometimes am in tears from the pain.  He knows to grab my purse, Bible, casserole dish or whatever else we may have brought with us and that I need to get inside and get ready for bed as quickly as possible because laying down is the only relief from this pain.  Also, you don't typically take pictures of people when they are miserable...so blog pictures and face book pictures can be deceiving...there are pictures I have put on here of me smiling and being playful etc, but it's hard to explain and capture the moments when I'm throwing up, my sinus headaches kick in, the pleuritic (sharp, stabbing) pain in my chest from inflammation in my lungs, the unending menagerie of treatments, vitamins, doctors appointments, tests, procedures, etc etc etc.  The daily grind that can be very difficult...so when you are exhausted and in pain but still smiling and no one can "see" your pain or "disability" and they say, "Well, you LOOK great"...what do you say without unloading how you "really" feel?  You know in your heart they may not know what else to say or they are simply trying to encourage you, but when you feel miserable and as soon as you get to the car to head home you will lay the seat back and crash for the rest of the day and be miserable because you actually attempted to be "normal" for a few hours...it's hard to put into words the feelings those four little words can bring screaming into your head...praise God for His Spirit living and at work in me because without Him, I don't know how I would endure!

     So how am I "really" doing?  I think I am "doing better" because I am simply learning to rest and not try to rush out the door in the mornings.  I am making my care a priority--I even have a check list of the 20 "bare minimum" things that are top priority for my "optimum health" at the moment.  In making it to a full church service (albeit sitting during Worship...although I did get to snuggle Elisha!) and we went out to lunch afterwards I was toast when we got home.  We had made plans to go to the movies in the evening and I REALLY wanted to go, but could tell that if I pushed it and went, things would not go so well.  As it was, I was exhausted for the afternoon/evening but got a good night's rest.  Looking back on today, I was able to get a couple things checked off the to do list (like calling on an insurance claim that we shouldn't owe!) and got to fellowship with a dear friend and snuggle a sweet baby.  Remembering the blessings instead of looking at the "take aways" is so helpful...but the tears and the "take aways" are real and learning how cry out to Him, confess any sin, rely on Him and His plans for your day, and look forward to His promises is a matter of faithfully placing one foot in front of the other, trusting that He will never lead you astray.  He doesn't promise it will be easy--but He does promise to walk with you through the valley. 

Jord and I standing on a rock in the midst of a stormy sea...praise God for Jesus!! 

Resting in His Everlasting Arms,
Rachelle :)    

The Providence of God :)

     I remember listening to a question and answer session by John MacArthur and I forget what the question was but I don't think I will ever forget his answer.  "My whole life has been one big providence of God." (Might not be an exact quote but that's what I remember!)  Friday, July 20th was one of those days where I can clearly see God's hand guiding and directing my steps and opening my mouth to speak His Word and listening to others and Him providing the opportunities as I TRULY learn to listen to what others' are saying.  (I CAN learn Mom!!!!)  I've heard the saying, "God has given us two ears and one mouth for a reason...we should listen twice as much as we talk."  Confession time: I am HORRIBLE at truly listening and am working on not interrupting (so "call me out" on that one if I do it to you!)...just ask my brother.  ;)  Anyway, God used Friday to show me how much more He can use me when I listen and pray instead of worrying about "telling everyone MY story and using that to bridge a gap to share the Gospel."  God really DOESN'T need MY help???  Nope.  Friday is a prime example of that! 
     My morning started off with a walk with my hubby.  Praise God for the little things...I have not felt well enough in the mornings to do this since June 3rd so was truly a blessing to be able to start our day off that way together.  :)  We came back from our walk to find out about the horrifying events in Aurora, CO.  Our world is full of sinners chasing hard after sin and this is just another example of where sin unchecked can lead.  I came across This Blog Post by a Christian woman who was in that theater with her two teenage daughters.  Praying for all of you and yours who are affected by this horrible tragedy...for those of you in Colorado that know the Lord, I pray that He will comfort your hearts and give you faith to continue to place one foot in front of the other.  For those of you that are not Christians, I pray that God will use this shocking sin-filled event to remind you, not only that we never know when death will come to meet us, but that you would recognize your desperate need for a Savior in Jesus and run to His Everlasting Arms...that is the ONLY refuge when death comes.  The only other option is enduring the wrath of a Holy and Righteous God for all of eternity to account for every single one of your sins.  I urge you--REPENT and flee to Jesus while today is still called today!  Psalm 103 reminds us of God's steadfast love, but it also reminds us that God will not bear with sinners forever--there IS a Day coming when Christ will come back to claim His Bride--the church and His judgements will be poured out on the earth through the tribulation.  Read Revelation to learn more about those days.  Read the gospel of John if you want to know more about Jesus--He is the ONLY One that will NEVER leave you nor forsake you...every other human will disappoint you at some time or another.  Praying for those reading this right now that don't know Him...I don't know who you are, but God does and He has you reading this by no accident...don't harden your heart yet again, but pray for His Spirit to give you a heart of flesh as He says in Ezekiel 36:26.  You will NEVER regret your repentance...it's the ONLY road that leads to heaven.

     Anyway, off that passion/tangent! (I go there all the time because as I said in a previous post, Jesus is my life...not just a part of my life.)  :)     I had DirecTV coming to install the dish and transfer our services so we can WATCH DA BEARS during football season with NFL Ticket...quick side tangent: I started watching football with Jordan when we were first married and now its one of our favorite things to do together...wink wink to wives that desire to spend time with their hubbies...you might find out you really enjoy it...just ask Mark and Carol Kronwald from our church...they are a GREAT example of learning to do things the other loves just because their spouse loves it...and if you go to GBC just ask Mark about his RC car hobby when Carol was pregnant with one of the girls. :)  Girls, you don't have to love football like I do...Jordan jokes that I love it more than him, but you might be surprised at some of the hobbies you never thought you would enjoy.  ;)  Anyway...back to the DirecTV guy coming.  ;)  We got to talking (I was a bank teller for 4 years...I'm good at asking questions and making small talk!) and it turns out that it was possibly his last day and he was dealing with a lot of stress in his life like preparing to move out of state and trying to figure out relationships with his teenage kids.  (Parents and teens alike know how complicated and yucky that can sometimes get!!)  I was able to listen and empathize where I could and offer him water as he was outside in Phoenix in July...anyone that has experienced Phoenix in July knows you avoid being outside unless you are in a pool at all costs.  But alas, his job required it so at least I had some cold water to offer him!  :)  Anyway, by the time he left we were friends on facebook so he could get to the blog and I will be praying for his move and his relationship with his kids...and you all can join me!  :)

     There were some "technical difficulties" so he was here extra long and I was late to meet a friend of ours to talk car insurance.  We met David and Ashley Schexnayder several years ago at Sovereign Grace in Tucson.  We were in the same small group and got to know each other well.  They are "following" us to Phoenix (ok they grew up here...I suppose they were here "first") and he is starting out selling insurance so Ashley can stay home with their little boy, Christian.  Anyway, while David was waiting for me at the restaurant, who walks in and sits down near him....Donavan McNabb...yes see above sentences about how much I LOVE FOOTBALL!  David respected his privacy and didn't say anything to him and because I took so long, we ended up not even meeting at that restaurant.  We met for about an hour and we got all situated insurance wise, and I joked about "I guess talking about eternal things is more important than seeing a celebrity here." I was out by myself for one of the first times in a couple months and I was enjoying the fact that I could run my own errands!  Since we had switched restaurants I was close to a Home Depot and we desperately needed extra keys to the house we are living in...4 adults and 3 keys doesn't work for the person that gets locked out.  ;)  I needed to be home to take some meds and do my treatments by three so I had a limited amount of time to run in and get the keys made, check out the fans, and run back out.  As I'm checking out the fans, a guy walks past me then another guy comes up and both mentioned something to me so we started talking while I was waiting for the guy in plumbing to come answer a question about the fans.  Any of you that have been to a Home Depot or Loews or any other store there are times when they are available and respond right away and there are times when they take forever.  Church came up and they started trying to "logically convince" me of things that are contrary to Scripture.  At first I was nervous and felt cornered as it was "two against one" but then I remembered that as a Christian I have the Spirit of the Living God in me...it's not about ME or my clever rebuttals, but about proclaiming the life saving, albeit, simple TRUTH of the Gospel of Jesus Christ: "For our sake, He made Him [Jesus] to be sin who knew no sin that in Him we might become the righteousness of God"  2 Corinthians 5:21  I am simply HIS ambassador.  I prayed for the Spirit to give me boldness and to give me the words to speak.  Forty-five minutes later they casually ended the conversation and I went back to get my keys...the plumbing guy never showed up, but it was very obvious that God had ordained that meeting...Chris and John needed to hear the Gospel.  I gave them our church's website and my blog and I sincerely pray that they will read my story and God will somehow use it to open their eyes to His glorious truth!  :) 

     Being much later than I had planned, missing one dose of vitamins, and still needing to get water because there was none in the house, I headed to the water store for a "quick stop" then on to home.  I "bumped" into a girl who was also getting water jugs out of her car and we started chatting as we filled up our 5 gallon jugs of water.  Turns out, she is friends with a girl that goes to our church that I don't know and has invited her to our church.  I was able to share how incredibly well Jordan and I have been served by our local body of Christ--GBC.  I know I continually mention our church family to you over and over but it is a sweet thing to be a part of a local body that truly desires to glorify Christ in all they do through the humble, expository preaching of His Word.  They preach the truth "in season and out of season" and we all long to glorify Him with all that we have until Christ comes back or calls us home!  She is a single Mom and I shared about the ministry that I learned about through a God ordained open Elder meeting where a friend shared her need and the elders shared about a group of older women that our church has that desires to come alonside the younger women of our church and be the "Titus 2 women" God has called them to be.  I can tell you right now that some of those women have served me tremendously: Chris Evans, Jamie Siegle, Sarah Demarest, Janie Brotherton, Suzanne Blevins, Dena Iserman, Hilarie McCoy...(my mentor through our ladies discipleship ministry) and so many from my small group (Mandy, Alex, Pam, Sarah...and all the rest!).  :)  

     The point of my Friday...and all the days before and all the days God has for me in the future: God has people for you to talk to--to encourage, share the Gospel with, love with the love of Jesus.  We never know how God is going to use a simple day of running errands.  I was exhausted after spending that extra 45 minutes sharing Christ with Chris and John when I "really" should have been home taking my vitamins and resting...but there are some things (and my hubby agreed!) that are far more important than the plans we had for our day.  I may not have gotten to see Donavan McNabb (which would have been really neat!), but I saw and talked to the people GOD had for me to talk to and that my friends, is what the Christian life is all about.  :)   

   Run the Race He has called YOU to!
Rachelle :)  

P.S. Celebrate with me:  I made it to my first whole church service since May...praising God for the little things!!!!!  :)  Was so sweet to be able to worship corporately, pray corporately, and do all those things Christ calls His people to do...what a sweet foretaste of heaven...come quickly Lord Jesus!!!!

One with her horse...

This is what you can do when you are truly one with your horse!!!  So inspiring!

Stacey Westfall 2006 Championship Run

You never know what might be in store for me and Buddy.... :) :) :) :)

Daily Devotional | Joni and Friends Entitled "Horsey Obedience"

Being the "country girl" I am I couldn't resist sharing this devotional I got from Joni Erickson Tada who was paralyzed in her teens from the neck down.  Her story is remarkable...I read one of her books several years ago and her story of learning to trust Christ through tremendous physical trials spoke to my heart.  This devotional reminds me so much of me and my horse, Buddy.  I got him when I was 13 and he was 3...I am now 28 and he is 18 and I call him, "my Old Man".  Our bond is incredible and I am SO incredibly thankful to my parents for not only buying him for me when I was 13 but paying for his keep all these years...that's a lot of money over the years and not easily repayable.  There is something far greater that cannot even be explained to people that have never known the bond that can exist between a girl and her horse.  That bond has only grown over the years...there are many stories I could tell you about me and Buddy but I will leave you with this one:  I couldn't have had him for long, but my Great Grandma was diagnosed with colon cancer.  I can still see Aunt Netta walking with her head down through the window of our house coming to tell us how the surgery went.  They opened her and closed her right back up and gave her two weeks to live.  We lost her 7 grueling months later.  This was the first time my life would be touched by cancer.  I remember sobbing and running out to Buddy's pen...I threw my arms around his chest and he stood there and simply wrapped his head around me, "hugging" me.  It is a moment I will never forget!  God is so kind to have given us such majestic animals who have such a desire to please their masters...their friends.
Enjoy this devotional (Daily Devotional: Joni and Friends) and here are a couple of pictures!  :)

Me and Buddy when I was 13 and he was 3

Me and Buddy when I was 17 and he was 7

Me and Buddy when I was 17 and he was 7...

I was in a photography class in high school

and love black and white photos :)

Me and Buddy running through the desert in

May of 2010. :) I was 26 and he was 16...our

good friend, Brad Gill took this photo.  Buddy
hadn't been out in awhile and was trying to buck
but Brad captured the majestic power God has

given horses...(read Job chapters 38-42 for more on
God's magnificent creation!) and the bond between horse
and rider...this is my all time favorite picture of us!!! :)

"Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God" 1 Corinthians 10:31...Lord, thank you for the majestic power you have given horses...and that you have given us the ability to caputre that power and get them to obey us and work WITH us.  There is nothing more exhilarting than running through the desert at full speed, feeling one with the horse and feeling like you could fly.  Lord, you are an awesome and mighty and wondrous, gracious, loving Father.  Thank You for your good gifts and thank You most of all for the gift of Your Son Jesus...for apart from Him I can do nothing.  He numbers our days and You know the number of breaths I will take.  May I pursue the passions You have given me and run the race You have called me to, giving glory to You in ALL that I do, until my very last breath.  Lord, some days are hard and I long to finish well...help me by Your grace to keep my eyes fixed on You...and run with the wind towards the "prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" as Paul calls us to in Philippians 3.   Lord, I know I cannot do it in my own strength...enable me by your grace and strength to do all that YOU have prepared for me to do!

In Jesus Precious Name,

Amen

Between Yesterday and Today

This is a poem I wrote about 6 months after coming out of the psychosis:

Six months ago I was struggling to stay awake, struggling to find joy, struggling to make sense of all that happened in December.  I was moving to a new place, leaving behind my family and friends, my support group, my entire life as I had known it.  Before the craziness I was excited.  After the craziness I was fearful, sad, and anxious.  I couldn’t drive.  I couldn’t be on my own.  There were times when I wondered why I was still here.  I was such a burden to everyone around me.  But God.  Those words have such promise.  All throughout scripture there is sin, toil, idolatry, evil…But God chose us.  But God sent His Son.  But God has a plan of redemption.  Even in the very beginning when God is cursing the snake, the woman, the man, the very universe because of sin, there is still grace.  The man and woman didn’t die.  He had a plan even then.  And He had a plan for December and for the last six months of my life.

Here I was in a strange city, surrounded by strange people, and yet God had not left us alone.  We had a church to go to right away.  Although it wasn’t “home”, at least we knew it could one day be home. (Today it is the home and family we knew it would be...so thankful for GBC!!!!)  And in a “strange set of circumstances” the Leija’s had moved here and were 20 minutes closer.  What grace poured out from heaven above!  Meredith and I could do breakfast on Friday’s—I remember telling her I felt like I was in a pit and she grabbed my hand and pretended to pull me out.  What grace!

Between Yesterday and Today

Yesterday I was fearful,

Today, I’m trusting.

Yesterday I was lonely,

Today, I’m grateful.

Yesterday I was discontent,

Today, I’m joyful.

Yesterday, I was wondering where my joy had gone?

What happened to me?

Yesterday, I looked at others not able to see grace, not able to see the

joy of the Lord,

And wondered why they couldn’t see?  Why they didn’t just “be happy” that God had saved them and take His promises to heart?

Today I’m full of God’s joy and delight in the Lord. 

I can look back and see His grace through that dreadful, dark trial.

I see His hand carrying us through, placing people in our lives at just the right time.

Encouraging when I needed it, but letting me see that it wasn’t ME that was able to see His hand, it wasn’t in MY nature to “be happy” that God has saved me—it is a gift from His hand. 

A gift that he holds—that He gives and at times takes away…only to give back a hundredfold,

Enlightened with compassion for others that wasn’t there before.

A new understanding of darkness.  A new understanding of fear.

A new way to see that the “Christian clichés” don’t just “work”.

A new hunger for God’s Word—not just to learn one more thing,

But to meet and commune with the God that has saved my soul.

With the Spirit that saved my life in more ways than one.

With the Jesus who died for ME that I might be with Him.

That I would persevere through that dark time

And come to this side of the valley,

Looking down, looking back,

Lost in wonder, love and praise,

At all that God has done between yesterday and today. 

Rachelle Thomas   

Vacation and Some Things I Have Learned

     I left off with my favorite prescription ever: Riding my horse more.  :)  That is a part of the puzzle pieces that Jordan and I, along with family and close friends, are putting together.  For so many years, I have tried to control things that were out of my control, have false guilt over things that I should not feel guilty about and it all lies in the root of pride and fear of man.  When I sin in these ways I am not trusting God for Who He says He is and that His promises are true.  One of the most helpful pieces of counsel I have received through this trial is from Eric Martin, one of the elders of our church and a member of our small group.  He said, "It doesn't matter where you "feel" your identity is.  Your identity as a child of God in Christ doesn't change no matter what you feel."  SO helpful and encouraging for those moments when I don't take my thoughts captive and my emotions get out of control and I place an idol in front of God.  Confess it as sin and it is forgiven. It's paid for.  Christ died for that sin.  Such freedom friends!!  (I will also have to tell you about his wonderful wife, Sarah, who is fast becoming a dear friend and their three beautiful children who have drawn me some really pretty pictures!)  God's grace continues to be poured out on us during this trial as we continue to put one foot in front of the other.  :)  So what does all that have to do with riding my horse more?

     My entire life and the past 8 years of my marriage have consisted of the constant battle of me getting sick, being down for awhile, then as soon as I start to feel even an ounce better, I go for it and try to get all the things done that a wife "should" do that haven't been done in say, two weeks, in one day.  And you can guess what happens: I get sick again.  I have tried submitting my schedule to Jordan and really desiring to let him lead me in this area.  (Just ask my small groups from the last 6 years...many a conversation, admonition, exhortation etc...especially from a certain someone...Amy Leija I may finally actually be heeding some of that advice...who knew I could be as stubborn as you????!!!)  :)  We would sit down on Sunday afternoon and plan out what I could do, who I really had energy to serve etc.  Jordan would say, "Do. Not. Schedule. Anything. Else."  "Ok honey!"  Monday morning rolls around and someone texts me or calls me, "Hey do you want to go get some lunch?"  "Sure!"  After all, that will only be an hour and I should have plenty of energy to clean the house later.  Wrong.  And round and round I went.  Learning to say no to things you love and enjoy and are all good things to do is one of the hardest lessons I have tried to learn and am still learning.  Something tells me I won't be perfect at this until Christ calls me home...and the only reason I will be good then is because I won't have the sin cursed body that gets tired in heaven!  :)

     So the result of the Psychiatrist visit: One month (if not two!) mandatory vacation.  I am not allowed to stress about anything.  I am not expected to do anything but take care of myself and get better.  Wow.  In the past Jord would tell me, "Don't do anything today.  Rest when you need to."  I would say, "Ok." and then feel guilty because I couldn't make him breakfast or pack his lunch or do laundry or cook him dinner or clean the bathroom that was getting on my nerves and thus began the, "I have energy to do just one thing.  That's done...just one more thing..." and the next thing you know he is coming home and I'm exhausted and we have to cancel dinner plans because I did not listen.  Monday morning I asked him if I could vacuum our bathroom because Crash hair (our black lab) was piling up and getting REALLY gross.  He replied, "You can vacuum the bathroom. Then read a book, watch a movie, play on facebook, write on your blog.  Rest. Take your meds/vitamins."  Such freedom to have him specifically tell me it is OK to "play" and be "lazy" all day.  No guilt. No condemnation.  I still see dishes in the sink and think, "I can do those...oh wait, it's ok because everyone knows I'm not supposed to be working right now.  No one will get upset with me that I didn't do 'my job'".  I've discovered just how much I've really needed this.  Jordan has been trying to relieve me of my stress for so many years but I kept picking it right back up.  No more.  I'm having fun and finally recognize how important it is for me to be able to relax and to truly trust that Jord has things under control...and ultimately God does.  Hmmm...didn't think I struggled with submission...big surprise there lol.  :)     

     So what have I been doing this week?  Resting, reading, writing (have some things coming soon!), listening to Resolved messages (discovered I REALLY love messages by Steve Lawson), listening to GBC messages I missed, getting to church in time for Communion on Sunday, fellowship with friends, Skype dates, taking Gianna (our roommate's daughter) swimming while we splash Crash.  Simply relaxing, trusting the Lord, and doing the things that are most important and critical to help me get better.  :)

     How am I feeling physically?  About the same.  My energy is still kaput.  My Mom-in-law was up here yesterday and cooked us three or four meals and brought us groceries and my Mom is coming up to stay through Friday.  I was feeling pretty good so I drove Cathy to lunch and then to take lunch to Jord at Sullivan's Motor Company where he recently started a new job.  He is absolutely LOVING it.  He loves cars and he loves people so it is literally the perfect job for him and I am so thankful he enjoys his job...it truly is a gift from the Lord!  Anyway, we talked with Jord while he ate and then got me back home so I could "crash" for the afternoon.  Once I laid down for awhile, I was able to take Gianna swimming since that is great exercise to get things "moving" in my lungs etc.  Exercise is critical for me and I hadn't been doing that either so it's so nice to not have to worry about conserving energy to make dinner but to know I can exercise in the pool (and have some fun while I'm at it!) and know there was healthy food for Jordan and I to choose from in the fridge.  (Thanks Mom T.!!!!!)  I've been waking up with "the pains" as I call them so am really looking forward to seeing the GI doc on August 2nd and getting that ball rolling to see what's going on there.  I expect I will come out of that appointment with a list of tests to do, but trusting Him and taking one step at a time.  Thanks for your continued prayers, love and support!

Now for some pictures from my "staycation".  :)

 My sweet Puppy, Crash, snuggling with me :)

 My horse and my favorite PJ's from Jord that are

about 9 years old...they are "sweet tarts". :) Can't 

tell you how many hours I spent with Buddy like 

this.  I used to get a book, take him to a grassy spot,

let him eat grass, while I laid on his back and read

a horse book.  :)  

 My sister (Jenny) and brother (Justin)

and me at Jen's Bridal shower.  So

much fun!  :) 

 My sis, me (and Safari!) and my Mom, Denise

 Crashers, Gianna, and me doing my treatments

and devotions Sunday morning.  They both 

wanted to be close to me lol...its a love seat so 

we were nice and cozy...LOVE the snuggles though!

Great way to wear out a 4 year old...get a black 

lab that LOVES to be splashed, but won't acutally

go IN the water and lounge on a pool chair and 

take pictures of the action.  :)