Running With Hope (Hebrews 12:1-3): Joy and Blessings in the Midst of Sorrow and Suffering

Being in the hospital for almost a month, suffering is all around you. You see lived out what 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 says:

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory, far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

"...though our outer man is decaying..." I see this truth all around me and feel it inside me on a daily basis. It could very easily sadden my spirit and send me spiraling into depression. My room is close to the helicopter landing pad...I start praying when I hear them coming in--to be life-flighted you have to be in critical condition--thinking of the family and friends that are getting that call that changes their lives forever and they will never forget...praying for the medics, nurses, doctors, RT's, and all who will be working fervently in the ER to save that life--and most of all praying that God would draw not only the potentially dying person to Himself but their family and friends to Himself as well. The door to eternity is closer than we all like to think about, but critical patients are all around me. As I walk around the hospital I see the lost looks, the frantic looks, the shock, the tears, the sorrow, the sighing and my heart just cries out, "How long O Lord?! Come quickly and set this world aright! Come back and forever free those in You from the presence of sin! This is hard Lord...I'm tired, weary, downtrodden...Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!"

If we focused on the first part of that verse, all hope would seem to be lost as our physical bodies daily remind us of the curse of sin that is upon this world. However, we can move onto have glorious HOPE, because of what Jesus has done on the cross as we remember that these "momentary, light afflictions, (Lord, this doesn't feel light! Help me to keep on!) are producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison." Ok Lord, I CAN do this in YOUR strength...I am weak, but You are strong...I am tired, my body hurts, I long for home, to sleep next to my hubby, to love on my puppies, to hug my horse, be with friends and family, but this is where You have me so this is right and good and Your will--help me to keep focused on You and girded up with Your Word. I don't have the energy to smile and talk and encourage those around me, but Lord, You do--You can give me the grace to encourage those around me--so many hurting without the hope that I have--Lord, let me give them a smile, nod hello, help them to know that someone truly cares about them--from the people that clean my rooms, to my doctors, to the people I encounter in the hallways. They all need You and the hope that only You can give them. Lord, let me be Your messenger of HOPE...this body may be failing me, not cooperating, but Lord Jesus, I have YOU, and that is enough. You saved me from the hell I deserve--anything else is pure mercy and grace! I'm so thankful for the grace Jesus has poured out upon my life! He is so good and merciful!

The doctors God have provided for me have truly been an incredible blessing and an answer to many prayers. Dr. Tammy Ojo is my pulmonologist (lung doc) and she is absolutely incredible. She's compassionate, yet firm with what treatment she believes is best. She listens and genuinely cares about what you say and what's going on in your life and the people in your life. She purposely looks at my family and friends that have been here when she's come in and addresses them and asks them if they have any questions about my treatment and care. I am confident in her knowledge of PCD (which is a first for me to have outside of the docs at UNC!) and trust her medical knowledge and advice implicitly. She has everything so organized it's wonderful and a blessing I do not take lightly.

My surgeon and ENT Dr. Le is also incredible. Although the initial post-op recovery was incredibly difficult as we knew it would be, sinus wise, things are going well. Bleeding has slowed significantly today so I'm hopeful I can get away from using my oh so lovely "mustache" of gauze wrapped around a mask soon. (And by the way...whoever thought of wrapping gauze around a mask instead of using tape is a genius--my 4 other surgeries chapped my cheeks so badly from all the tape I had to use--it's the "little things" that make such a big difference!) The surgery itself was a lot longer than I or my family anticipated. Apparently the first hour, they gave me an albuterol treatment and oxygenated my lungs and tried to get them as ready as possible for surgery. My anesthesiologist was amazing--because of my issues of nausea with anesthesia and my inability to tolerate any anti-nausea drugs, she used propofol which is usually only used for shorter surgeries but they made some adjustments for me and I didn't have a nausea reaction to the anesthetic which was truly a gift. I remember briefly waking up in recovery and before the bleeding started being able to breathe through my nose for the first time in a very long time. I'm looking forward to things healing up and doing that again! After getting my lungs ready, the actual surgery was around 2 1/2 hours. He said my frontal sinuses didn't look like they had ever really been touched--he opened up the cavities and then cleaned them all out. Not all surgeons are comfortable getting close to the brain to clean stuff out, but he did and said that the amount of mucus and thick green junk he got out of my sinuses was incredible. He said he was able to open everything up so it should gravity drain when I do my rinses--since my cilia can't move stuff out, he is hopeful that my daily sinus rinses will act as a replacement now that the rinse can actually GET to where it needs to go to flush the mucus out before it gets so bad.

Then came the hard part of sinus surgery--I started throwing up the blood that had drained into my stomach after surgery (even though they pumped my stomach in the OR) around 5pm...this starts the vicious cycle of my nose bleeding even more, blood draining down into my stomach, throwing up etc et al...at 7 I called Jord and he came down to help Mom help me. He was here from 7-11:30 when we thought I was slowing down on the throwing up but it turned out to be a short relief. I continued throwing up until 1AM, when I finally stopped and was able to get a few hours of sleep, which I desperately needed. I don't know what I would do without Jord and my Mom--their unconditional love for me was poured out as they helped me through the night--heaving with me at times, exchanging the basins full of bloody throw up, changing my gauze pad every few minutes, plugging my nose to try and help stop the bleeding, rubbing my back, putting cool wash cloths on my neck and forehead and so many other "little things" that demonstrate true love. It's in these moments that Jord demonstrates his commitment, time and time again, to love me not only in the easy times, but in the difficult ones--God has truly blessed me with a husband that sacrificially loves me so well. He got home late and still went to work early that morning and worked all week. Mom continues to show her love for me as her little girl--no parent wants to see their child suffer, but she is there for me when I need her and has sacrificed sleep to stay overnight with me in the hospital. Thank you for your love, Momma.

I truly am one blessed woman. Not only do I have an incredible husband who loves me sacrificially, but two families that love me--not just my family, but Jord's family truly loves me as their own. As if that wasn't enough, He has given me not one, but multiple treasured friends that love and encourage me. On top of that, I know so many extended friends, family, and even people I barely know, don't know, etc, pray for not only me, but Jord, and my family and friends. I think of a portion of the book, "A Gospel Primer" which I'm paraphrasing but says, "To be handed an empty cup would be an incredible blessing from God but the fact that I'm not just given an empty cup but a cup that overflows with blessing is a miracle of miracles from our gracious God..." To God be the glory, great things He hath done!

Dr. Ojo and company :)

Dr. Le and I

As much as we prepared my lungs for surgery, they didn't like it very much. My mucus is back to being thick and green, even on the antibiotics. On the day of surgery, we stopped one of the IV antibiotics, IV Colistin--I had been on it for 14 days and it can be very hard on your kidneys so they don't want me to be on it longer than necessary. My mucus had gone to a pale yellow and I was feeling really good. Obviously, surgery was extremely difficult on my body. I have lost 10 pounds over the course of the last 19 days and since surgery, my appetite has not returned. I'm thinking my body took the energy that it was using to fight my lung infection and turned to healing from surgery and it simply doesn't have the energy for anything else. Following surgery, Dr. Ojo added oral Cipro so I was still on two antibiotics to fight the pseudomonas. When she came and saw me yesterday, she took one look at my mucus and told the pulmonary resident and fellow that was with her that we needed to add inhaled colistin. She looked at me and said, "You really needed that 7 days of antibiotics after surgery." That means I'm currently on 3 different antibiotics--IV Cefepime, inhaled Colistin, and oral Cipro. She is going to come by tomorrow and see how I'm doing and plan on sending me home on the inhaled Colistin and oral Cipro. I'm praying I WILL get to go home, but also trying to hold that loosely, knowing my body and the fact that I would rather stay and get well completely before going home so that I don't go downhill and have to come back and start all over. Remembering Proverbs 16:9 "Many are the plans in a mans heart, but the Lord directs his steps."

So I am counting down the days until Tuesday morning, which at this point is a mere T-minus 2 1/2 days, but at the same time looking for continued opportunities to encourage those around me--both those who care for me and those I meet in the hallways. Jord and I truly appreciate all the love, prayers, and support we receive from all of you--we couldn't walk this journey without Jesus and all of you!

In His Mighty Grip,

Rachelle