Burden or Blessing?

     The Lord has been showing me a lot lately--realizations of things I've been doing for years and the sweet grace of confession and repentance as I earnestly try to follow God's will and plan for my life, instead of my own.  My Grandma found a bunch of poems I had written when I was a teenager right after I got saved.  A lot of them, I had copies to but one entitled "Burden or Blessing?" escaped until the other day when Grandma unburied it.  I wrote it a mere four months before Jord and I met...a little explanation is required--My Papa died of Melanoma skin cancer in September of 1999.  Eight months after he died, my Grandma, Mom, Aunt Dawn, and then myself at 16, had early Melanoma's taken off.  Years later, a different dermatopathologist (someone who reads the biopsies) said he didn't think it was "quite" Melanoma but it was moving in that direction.  So here's the poem from my 18 year old self:

Burden or Blessing?

I was numb…those weren’t the right words…

Cancer, cancer, cancer…

I’m only 16…

What about the rest of my life? 

Will I find someone to love me,

Knowing there’s a possibility of losing me??

Can I still have kids?

Will they be afflicted?

Lord, this burden is heavy,

How can I go on?

What if it comes back?

Questions raging through my head,

Several years later, and still,

It’s haunting…always there…

No matter what…

Can it, will it ever go away??!!

People around me…

…find a cure…

You’ll be fine…

You’re an amazing young lady…

Turning the pages of life,

I realize that this burden just might be a blessing…

The sky always seems a bit more blue…

Or it’s simply that only I know,

That this body of mine isn’t invincible,

Moments spent with family,

Are spent loving every minute,

For you never know,

What lies around the corner…

The burden of wondering and questions,

Begins to give way to determination…

Then a passion as YOU decide…

Decide that instead of carrying a burden,

You’re going to do something about it!

Learn everything you can…

Enjoy every moment,

Research and find the cure…

So many lives touched…

The burden made you stronger,

It’s now your mission for life,

A burden no longer a burden,

But a blessing, sent from above,

Testing and making a heart of gold…

A burden now a blessed gift from God. 

Rachelle Thomas April 2002

When I read that first stanza, I got chills and immediately started crying.  Jord chose to marry me even though he KNEW we would probably never have children and that there were multiple health issues that could at some point take my life at a "young" age.  In December of 2010 I was 12 hours away from dying according to the Psychiatrist that saved my life--I was 26 then.  It's hard to explain to others who don't have a chronic illness that we don't talk about these things to be morbid, but there is a stark reality to the fact that this body of mine is disintegrating much faster than I would like, especially with all the medication reactions.  However we cling to the hope of these verses:

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day.  For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I just had to schedule my 5th sinus surgery and out of all 30 plus surgeries they are by far the worst--it's scheduled for March 15th.  I'm on oral antibiotics to try and help me limp along until the surgery as they are raging out of control and "feeding" my lungs.  Nausea has been almost constant so I was taking a nausea med--the only one I could take and I ended up having an adverse rxn and wasn't sleeping well and was not focusing and basically was at the beginning stages of psychosis--a very scary place for both of us.  I stopped the med and I got a solid 9 hours of sleep last night, which is a huge praise!  Jord didn't get much sleep as he watched me to make sure I slept most of the night--please be praying for him and for both of us as this surgery/hospitalization approaches.  

My emotions have been all over the map and this poem encouraged my soul so much--it's funny how my 18 year old self is encouraging my almost 33 year old self--it's usually the other way around--wishing we could write our younger selves some wisdom, but my 18 year old self is reminding me of the HOPE that we have in Jesus and that ALL things work together for good!  Not necessarily how we want it to work out, but God uses all of our burdens to sanctify us and make us more like Himself.  So let me encourage you to remember:

Trials and burdens of this life are often blessings in disguise--God has a purpose for every single nanosecond of your suffering!

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living HOPE through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, RESERVED IN HEAVE FOR YOU, who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.  In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelations of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.

1 Peter 1:3-9

I hope you are all encouraged as I was by my 18 year old self...it has been a rough couple of weeks and it was exactly the reminder I needed.  I love how God works.  Here are lots of pictures of Jordan and I to enjoy...in light of Valentine's Day coming up I cannot tell you how incredibly blessed I am by this man!!!  His love for Jesus, his love for me, his love for others pours out of his heart and soul--he "tries" to hide it but the secret is out that he is a giant teddy bear that loves me as Christ loves the church--I cannot imagine my life without him and I'm so grateful God answered the longing of my heart to find someone to love me, knowing there is a higher chance of losing me and never having our own children.  It takes a truly selfless person to do that--he truly is my priceless gift from above!

This song by Steven Curtis Chapman, Together, sums up our relationship so well!

Enjoy the pictures!

Rachelle :D