Running With Hope (Hebrews 12:1-3): Update on Life :)

I did it again. For those of you that know me well, you probably have a pretty good guess at what I did....again. I overdid it...had too much fun...ended up with "negative spoons"...overbooked...and ended up sick. This is a pattern that has often characterized my life as I navigate life with a chronic illness...my brain says, "Yes! I can do it!" but my body resoundingly reminds me that I should have said no or prioritized or redeemed the time better to avoid that inevitable "PCD hangover" or crash. In writing these words, I'm tempted to do what I always do in my mind..."pull up the bootstraps of my faith and try again and promise Jordan that I will do better next time" or I REALLY will submit my schedule to you and stick to it...I promise! In reading a fantastic new book by Elyse Fitzpatrick called, "Good News for the Weary Woman, Escaping the bondage of to-do lists, steps, and bad advice", I am immediately recognizing that although I have good intentions of leaning on God's grace or living each day in His strength and not my own, practically speaking I often leave God's grace behind, and this sinful pattern continues to characterize my life. I have been praying for years that I would "redeem the time" the way GOD wants me to and not simply how I WANT to, yet I always seem to fall back into the same pattern over and over and over and over and yes, over again.

Jordan and I recently moved back to Tucson from Montana to be closer to the support group we have here in close friends and family. I'll try and leave that story for another day, but being back here has been wonderful and God has affirmed our move in SO many ways, but it has also come with the temptation of filling my schedule to the brim and overflowing. After having several warnings from my hubby I asked my dear friend Candy what she has observed with us living with them. She asked what I thought lay at the root of why I overbooked and at first I thought it was fear of man--once my schedule was full if someone asked me to do something and I didn't feel like I could say no, that led to many a PCD hangover. As we continued talking, I realized that in reality, I'm angry at God for the lack of energy and compare myself to others and WANT to do what I want to do. In reality, when I overbook, I am telling God that I am not content with the energy boundaries He has given me, and I am going to push the limit and ultimately suffer the consequences of choosing to sin against God AND my husband which is getting sick or not having the energy to do the important things because I used up all my energy doing the fun things or what I REALLY wanted to do. That realization cut me to the quick. I am seeing for the first time that I had fooled myself into thinking that I was content with the life with PCD God has given me. Through this realization and confession, I am reminded that Jesus died for that sin and that while I DO need to be diligent to plan out my weeks and rest when I need to rest, no matter what others may think, God's amazing grace through Jesus Christ righteousness is there to catch me WHEN I fail. I tend to fall off the horse to one side or the other--do too much and end up sick, or give in to laziness and do nothing and give up living life in despair. Neither of these paths are right--both are sinful, and by God's grace I'm prayerfully trying to navigate my schedule with the appropriate amount of energy and praying that I will keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and do what HE wants me to do to His glory. I know it will not look perfect and I would LOVE prayer for wisdom and discernment as I press on towards the goal with the hope of THAT DAY when my energy will never run out and I will be able to do EXACTLY what Jesus wants me to do and worship Him in perfect fellowship with other believers for all of eternity! Come quickly Lord Jesus! :)

The promise of eternal life gets me so excited and motivated by His grace and to bring Him glory, I am going to step out in faith and try again. Aside from catching this cold, we are doing very well. We have enjoyed living with our dear friends Tom and Candy and their two boys, Aidan and Jake...its been fun to wake up to "Good morning Rachelle" and to get snuggles while reading to them at bedtime and watching Jord interact with them...and you can't forget all the hours and hours of conversations Candy and I get to have. It's so sweet to see our friendship blossom and grow as we encourage and yes, exhort, each other daily. We've started attending Holy Cross church and are enjoying getting to know them and being in close fellowship with our treasured friends Jeremy and Jenn and their son Landon. It's also been awesome to be close to family again and get to hang out with Jen and Hunter a lot. It's so fun to see Hunter get excited to see me and when Jord and I go to Jenn and Jeremy's Landon squeals with excitement. And yes, it can get confusing having two Jennifer's so close to my heart. :) These moments are extra precious and help heal my grieving "Mommy heart." Rocking Hunter to sleep while singing Bible songs to him, running from Landon, playing "Super Hero" fights with Aidan and Jake, going to the zoo with these dear friends and family and watching the kids' reaction to the animals...I'm extra grateful to God for bringing me back to a place where I can enjoy making these memories that will be with me for a lifetime.

One thing I miss about Montana that I never thought I would...getting to wear scarves! We've had such a warm winter down here that I've only gotten to wear a light scarf twice. I also miss the sweet friendships I made in such a short time, and again, those treasured friendships that are separated by miles makes me look forward to the great reunion heaven is going to be!

I'm planning on trying to write more again, so we'll see how that goes...obviously I go in cycles, but Lord willing I am prayerfully going to continue writing my book and blogging more regularly. :) Here's some pictures of the latest happenings. I hope you enjoy them and I pray you all are resting well in Jesus' completed and FINISHED work on the cross!

In His Mighty Grip,
Rachelle :)