Running With Hope (Hebrews 12:1-3): Walking Through the Fire

Right before my hospitalization, I established care with a new Primary Care doctor here in Huntsville. The nurse practitioner sat down and we went over my entire medical history which is obviously a LOT. I left that appointment with what felt like a zillion other appointments to be made, but the sweet thing was that they referred me and had every single doctor's office call me to schedule so I didn't have to call each office and sit through the "press 1 for this" message and then wait in line to make an appointment and give them all my information etc. Things that are time consuming when you are making 4 plus appointments in the midst of daily breathing treatments and chest percussion and all my meds and feeling cruddy etc. It can often be overwhelming. One of the tests she referred me to was a mammogram due to family history. I had been told that I should start having them at 35, but as usual, my lungs have taken precedence and things got pushed to the back burner and not addressed.

I had the mammogram on February 1st. The next day I got a phone call--as soon as I answered the phone I knew it wasn't good news because if everything is fine, they don't call you. She explained that the radiologist had read my mammogram and saw some calcifications and wanted me to have a repeat mammogram and a bilateral ultrasound as well. My Mom's identical twin sister, my Aunt Netta, had breast cancer at 42. I immediately hung up the phone and called her cause I was freaking out a bit. She talked to me and explained that the fact that they were willing to wait a week to schedule the repeat was good news in and of itself because when they found hers, they took her straight back from the mammogram to an ultrasound. "That's when you know it's serious." I got off the phone and started shepherding my heart with truth. Called some friends to pray with me and waited. The morning of my appointment the center called me and they had a water leak and would call me back to reschedule. I had literally just been reading the book "Trusting God" by Jerry Bridges minutes before they called, so my heart was in a good place to simply accept the timing of the Lord. After all, He's in charge of that water! I called back a day or two later when I hadn't heard anything and they asked if I wanted to wait until their new ultrasound machine was installed in a couple of weeks or if I wanted to schedule at a different facility. I chose to schedule at a different facility and that appointment was today. I did the mammogram and Debbie told me, "Oh it could be calcifications from your port!" which Aunt Netta had thought of and told me in a text a few days after the first mammogram. I went in for the ultrasound and the tech has been doing breast ultrasounds for 19 years. I asked my "typical" questions and we talked about her teen boys and their sports and I talked about all the nephews full of energy in my life. Then she took me out to the lobby and said that I needed to wait to see if the radiologist wanted her to get more images. First red flag went off, but I continued texting people I was texting verses to or something. Then she comes back out and says the radiologist wants to talk to me and takes me to a room by myself. I had literally just texted Jord, "Just finished ultrasound and waiting to make sure they don't want more images. My heart is in a peaceful place." Then, "Radiologist wants to talk to me." "Ok suddenly not peaceful, please pray."

In that moment my heart was racing and I was holding back the tears and doing my best to take my thoughts captive. I started reading Isaiah 43:1-3a "But now, thus says Yahweh, your Creator, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel. Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by my name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. For I am Yahweh your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;" I kept reading a few verses and landed on the beginning of verse 5, "Do not fear, for I am with you;" I read it over and over and Jord had texted "It's fine." "Just remain calm". Then in came the radiologist and started talking. I went into "medical" mode. "So we find calcifications on mammograms all the time. Some are very obviously benign and then there are others that are irregular and obviously cancerous. Yours are somewhere in the middle." "Of course they are lol." She went on to explain that I would need a biopsy and how they would do that. I was told I'd talk to a nurse to talk about my medical history, "which sounds complicated, so it might take awhile" so I said, "Can I pee first then?"

So I have a biopsy scheduled for next Friday morning at 8:15. Because the calcifications are small, it will be a mammogram guided biopsy and I should have the results the next day--although I just realized with it being a Saturday, not sure what that's gonna look like--probably Monday then. Anyway, I left the center and got to my car and my Mom called. I talked with her briefly and then headed to Mom and Dad T's. house. I had never heard the song on the radio but the chorus was, "Everything's going to be ok, He's got the whole world in His hands." Tears were streaming as I listened and prayed and drove. Dad read me and Mom some pages from the book, "Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy" by Mark Vroegop and we prayed together. Then, providentially I had an accountability skype group that I have every two weeks with two friends from church. It was a sweet time sharing my heart and then being encouraged at answered prayers. Then Mom and Dad took me out to lunch at Good Company, one of our favorite local restaurants here in Huntsville. We drove separately and on the drive another song, Fires, by Jordan St Cyr, came on the radio. Again, I had never heard it, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. The chorus is, "I will walk through the fire because You are walking with me." In light of the verses I had been meditating on and thinking about I was brought to tears yet again by the great love of my God. How much He cares for me in all the details of life!

The reason I had been meditating on those specific verses is that a long time friend of mine is writing a devotional book for women and sharing 30 women's stories. My story is one she is sharing and earlier this week she called to confirm some details and we decided that the verses she would use would be Isaiah 43:1-3. I'm in awe of God and how He works. I met Janis when I worked at Bank of America and her husband, Tom, actually did our wedding video for us as a gift all those years ago. We've stayed in contact through facebook and occasional phone conversations over the years and they have faithfully prayed for Jordan and I through all the ups and downs of my health battles. If you'd like to check out her blog, click HERE. She doesn't have a publisher yet and the next step for her is to build an email list. If you'd like to help her, you can go to the link and subscribe to get an occasional email from her--it explains everything on her blog.

Anyway, HERE is the link to the song, Fires, on YouTube. I hope it encourages your heart as it does mine. On top of this, the Zofran and remaining vestibular issues have combined to causes sleeplessness. I'm going to have to increase some of my sleep meds for the short term as I'm going to bet at 8 and getting up at 3:30 and if that keeps up I will get very sick very quickly and end up in psychosis. I will be starting the increased meds tonight, so please pray that works as well and I could get some good extra rest over the next few days and that I would use this week of waiting for His glory.

As I write, Fires is playing in the background, tears streaming, and my sweet Blue licking my face. This race is hard, BUT God--He is good, He is faithful, He is wise, He is long-suffering, He is mighty, He is awesome, He is majestic and He WILL complete the work He began in me (Philippians 1:6). He has walked me through fires in the past, pulled me from flames, and through Him, by HIS strength, I can walk this path too, come what may. But not alone--my sweet hubby has been constantly checking on me, making me laugh (of course!), and so many people have already offered help and sent verses and prayers and I'm SO thankful for the body of Christ--we need each other! I will keep you all posted as I have information. Thank you for walking this journey with me!