Here I am, once again, at the start of a New Year and having gone a long season without writing at all. Those that know me well, as I shared a post from last year, know that ever since the first Psychosis 6 years ago, I've had periods of struggling with depression as well. The last 3 years now, the cloud lifts around Christmas time and I start going 90 miles an hour the other direction, end up getting sick around February which lands me in the hospital and when I get out, I start to get better physically, start sleeping more, which leads to me withdrawing from everyone, not talking, writing, or doing much of anything which is great for me physically, but not so much mentally or spiritually. So I stayed out of the hospital the rest of the year and had a couple colds, but was able to get rid of them without the need for antibiotics for which I am very grateful.
2016 was again another very difficult year, not only for us, but for several of our close friends as well. Just off the top of my head, 9 people that were either friends from my PCD facebook group, family, or close friends passed away, most of them sudden and unexpected. Grief and sorrow are a part of this sin cursed world and thankfully I know most of them I will for sure see again One Day when there will be no more separation or saying goodbye because of Jesus work on the cross to absorb God's wrath in their place. What peace and comfort that brings to our grieving hearts...that while we grieve, we don't grieve as others do, but we can grieve with hope! It was a difficult year physically as most of you know with my hospital stays and needing additional surgeries. I did have my port placed, but held off on the sinus surgery, but will be revisiting that in the next couple of months.
There were also some very good things in 2016--my nephew Gunner was born in February and Jenn and Jeremy were able to adopt Asher and big news there is that after 9 years of marriage, 8 years of infertility, and having 3 boys 3 and under in their home right now, she got pregnant and is expecting a little girl in April! This is so exciting and I truly rejoice with them, but at the same time it is difficult for me as well as there is always the grief and loss of not having kids and when I'm in depression mode I feel "left behind" as all my close friends have kids and are in the thick of it and although Jenn and Shirley walked through the infertility stuff with me, they have been able to adopt and that has not been God's plan for my life. It can be so easy to compare lives and want what others have, especially when it's a "good" desire like having children, but it's also sinful, because ultimately, I'm telling God that His plan isn't good and mine would be better. That's when I head to Job chapters 38-42 and regain perspective on how big God is--I'm pretty sure the God of the universe knows what's BEST for me (and Jord!).
Job 38:2-11
Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said,
“Who is this that darkens counsel
By words without knowledge?
“Now gird up your loins like a man,
And I will ask you, and you instruct Me!
“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
Tell Me, if you [a]have understanding,
Who set its measurements? Since you know.
Or who stretched the line on it?
“On what were its bases sunk?
Or who laid its cornerstone,
When the morning stars sang together
And all the sons of God shouted for joy?
“Or who enclosed the sea with doors
When, bursting forth, it went out from the womb;
When I made a cloud its garment
And thick darkness its swaddling band,
And I [b]placed boundaries on it
And set a bolt and doors,
And I said, ‘Thus far you shall come, but no farther;
And here shall your proud waves stop’?
He hasn't said no forever, but definitely no for right now or we would have children. When your heart desperately desires something that God has withheld, for whatever reason, that is when preaching the gospel and God's Word to yourself is so critical! It can be so easy to focus in on yourself and your desires and what God hasn't done for you--which when you stop and think about it is ridiculous because He gave His only Son so that I might spend eternity in heaven with Him instead of an eternity in hell separated from Him and under His wrath for my sin. But that's what our human hearts do--and that's why it's so important to be in God's Word and with God's people--something I have failed at in 2016 due in large part to the depression--"But God who is rich in mercy"--what sweet words from Ephesians to start the new year remembering--that and I've also been meditating on Psalm 84:11-12:
For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
The Lord gives grace and glory;
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
12
O Lord of hosts,
How blessed is the man who trusts in You!
God doesn't withhold anything that is truly good for us and we are blessed when we trust in Him! Today is a new day and a new year and I'm prayerfully stepping out in faith once again, setting some goals for the year and making some plans, but remembering to hold those plans loosely because "His ways are higher than mine" (Isaiah 55) and "Many are the plans in a mans heart, but the Lord directs His steps" (Proverbs 16:9). I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know the One who holds tomorrow and when I fall down and fail and sin against God and others, I know I can turn to Him a million times over if I have to, confess that sin and keep putting one foot in front of the other, keeping my eyes fixed on Him--the One who gave everything for me!
One of my goals is to write more consistently throughout the year--so prayerfully you'll be hearing more from me! I want to share some things I've learned through this last summer of depression, share some stories of how people have encouraged me, and start the Prayer Spotlight back up that I started and then stopped writing. So if you haven't heard from me in a bit--bug me on facebook or send me an email or text me or call me and help keep me accountable to my goal--cause encouraging others always ends up encouraging yourself as well.
In His Mighty Grip,
Rachelle :)
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