Reflections on 2015 and Looking Forward to 2016

     I know it's been awhile since I've written, but the end of a year and the beginning of a new year always has me in that "musing/reflecting/need to write/journal" mode, so here I am once again saying hello to all of you.  Since I've last written at the end of June time has marched on as it always does and honestly, they've been some hard months mentally and spiritually.  People that know me best always know when I'm struggling with depression when I'm not writing, not very talkative, and not doing much and have to force myself to get out of bed in the mornings.  Living with PCD, it can be hard to strike a balance.  Last year about this time, we were living with our friends Tom and Candy and I started to get up earlier and back to my more "normal" self, but then in February I caught the cold that started the downswing and ended up with me in the hospital at the end of March and all the complications that came with it.  Since the end of June and finally getting over that last bad flare up, I've been stable, but I've also regularly been getting 10-13 hours of sleep and because I have been struggling with the depression, I haven't been running around and pushing my body to the limits and beyond.  Ideally, there should be a balance somewhere in between the two "extremes" but one of my biggest challenges is to know when to push (and have the energy and mental and spiritual strength to "do the next thing" even if I don't "feel" like it) and when I really need to rest and have what has been coined by a fellow PCD'er as a "Turtle day".  So for those of you who pray for me, as we move into 2016, that would be one of my prayer requests--that God would give me the grace for each day to know what HE wants me to do--what is worth pushing through and when I really need to rest--and to lean on my hubby's wisdom as I plan my days out.

     Reflecting on 2015, I would say overall it was a challenging year--physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I'm thankful I know nothing is outside of God's sovereign control and that each valley is meant to draw us closer to Him.  As I look forward to 2016, I'm encouraged that God seems to be working in my heart and lifting that cloud of depression I've been struggling with the last 5 months.  I'm excited to see what He has for us in 2016 as we seek to start out the New Year striving to walk in obedience to Him in all things.  I know we will fail--after all "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23) BUT "God demonstrates His own love towards us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)  I can strive to obey Christ in all things, knowing that God is at work in my heart and though I will battle my sin in this wretched flesh One Day He will come back or take me home to be with Him where I will forever be free from the presence of sin.  Friends, this is the rock solid truth we MUST cling to if we are to have hope in 2016 of any change at all.  God promises to "work all things together for good to those who love Christ, to be conformed to the image of His son" (Romans 8:28-29) and we can trust that "He will complete the work He began in you." (Philippians 1:6)  For those of us who trust Jesus as our Savior, we can confidently set goals for 2016, expecting God to help us, but at the same time, we must remember to hold OUR plans loosely for "Many are the plans in a mans heart, but the Lord directs his steps" (Proverbs 16:9).  Looking back on 2015, it doesn't really look anything like I thought it would at the end of 2014, but none of the twists and turns and surprises that caught ME off guard, caught God off guard.  We can only hope for what we think our days may look like in the coming year and take steps to try and bring our plans to fruition, but God KNOWS what 2016 will look like for you and for me.  I don't know about you, but that brings me great comfort knowing that no matter what happens, God promises to use everything to not only draw us closer to Himself but to make us more like Himself.  As Mom T. always says, "Pray and go".  We can pray, make plans, and step out in faith, trusting our awesome God to direct our steps and hold us close, especially in the valleys.  

I pray you all grow closer to Jesus in the coming year!  And Lord willing, I will be striving to write more once again.  ;) 

In the Love of the Lamb,

Rachelle :)

Thinking About Life in Memory of Elaine York

     It's been a pretty rough week.  My lungs and sinuses are still infected, although I did finally get the medications today, so hopefully those will help me get back on my feet.  I've felt pretty crummy all week and then lost a dear friend two nights ago.  I'm thankful she knew Jesus and Elaine is now in the presence of our great Savior, but my heart aches for her husband and sons and grandchildren left behind, along with all her family and friends and people she has impacted.  

     I first met Elaine when I was really young--I'm not sure exactly how old but would guess between 10-12 years old.  She did a Pampered Chef party one of my Mom's teacher friends hosted.  The "icebreaker" game was for everyone to introduce themselves and think of something that describes themselves in the kitchen that matched the first letter of their first name.  My Mom said, "My name is Denise and I dislike being in the kitchen." Elaine didn't lose a beat and replied with, "Well, we'll get you some tools to get you out of there faster!"  I don't know why that memory is emblazoned, but it is.  She became friends with our family and then later as facebook became more popular we got to know each other more through that.  

     She would always comment or like my posts asking for prayer and we messaged back and forth a lot as she battled cancer, especially over the last 5 years.  Our last messages were about praying for Jordan to get the job so I would have better health insurance.  She said it was going in her prayer journal right then and I know it did.  After she entered heavens gates the other night, it's amazing the connections and how many people and friends I have that knew her and they all say the same thing: She loved her Savior and proclaimed His truth to all those around her and was encouraging and always had the biggest smile in the room.  Thinking about all the lives she has impacted reminded me of a quote I shared during my high school graduation speech: "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."  Elaine left a legacy of a great woman of faith and she loved those around her with Jesus love.  Her death has reminded me that on those days when we don't think we are getting much accomplished for the Lord, it's truly the "little things" that matter and that God uses--to our family, friends, and neighbors, we mean the world to them.  

     There was one time in particular that Elaine really encouraged me.  I was discouraged and weary of my health trials and had some things coming up that I messaged her asking her to pray for.  She encouraged and exhorted me to share it publicly and reminded me that God loves to answer specific prayer and that He had taught her the importance of journaling those prayers and answers to prayers as we walk through the trials of life.  I will never forget that lesson.  

     Please keep her husband, Tom, and her two sons, Christian and Cameron and their family and friends in your prayers.  Jordan came home early from work yesterday and we went on a much needed date--I had been crying off and on all morning after her passing and Jord knew I needed him.  I'm so grateful for him and these are the things that remind us how important and special those relationships are.  We don't know the number of our days and this life is but a vapor.  Elaine is now receiving those eternal rewards that she gained from all those seeds she planted during her life and the love she poured into others around her.  She sees Jesus face to face...what glorious Days those will be!  It's immeasurably hard for those of us left behind, but I know Elaine would want you to hear of our Great Savior, Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for your sins and mine and hers, so that we can enjoy an eternity in heaven with Jesus instead of the hell we all deserve.  Hear the Gospel of Jesus today my friends, repent and turn and trust Him with your lives!  Your eternity is weighing in the balance.

       Hearing all the people share on facebook of the impact Elaine had on their lives has inspired me to continue to live for Jesus, love Him and those around me with my whole heart and soul, and keep running the race He has set before me.  Elaine has finished her race, she fought the good fight and is now receiving the crowns and her eternal inheritance.  May we all press on towards the prize, remembering to focus on the eternal and not the temporal and that life is made up of all those little things that truly are the most important things you can ever do.  "Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.  For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things that are seen, but at the things which are not seen.  For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Pressing on in your memory Elaine! 
Until we meet again,
Rachelle :) 

Thank You Part 2: Jenn Panknin

     The story of my friendship with Jenn goes back a long way--Jordan has been friends with her husband, Jeremy, since they were 13 in 1998.  Our friendship has a funny story to start.  When her and Jeremy started dating in the fall of 2005, they were the first guests to our first home that we had just purchased.  As we often do with friends, we played a game.  Unfortunately, the game we picked was our modified version of Uno called "Suicide Uno"....having known each other so long, Jordan and Jeremy have a 6th sense when it comes to playing games and it was girls vs. guys which was probably our first mistake because with the altered rules one of the guys would go out and leave us drawing 16 cards and counting all the points.  Needless to say, we got beaten badly...and we have never played that game together since.  Jenn is competitive when it comes to games so it was not the best introduction to us and I remember when they left, I turned to Jord and said, "How is this going to work?  We don't have anything in common and you and Jeremy are best friends and I don't think she likes me."  Funny enough, she was thinking the same thing.  We went on a double date to Red Robin and then the next time they came over, Jenn was asking questions, (which she is very good at!) and we discovered we both loved taking pictures and scrapbooking...and the rest, as they say, is history.  

     Since that first meeting our relationship has grown into a most precious treasure from heaven.  We have encouraged each other, comforted each other, exhorted each other, helped each other, and built a relationship with the foundation being the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and there is nothing like those relationships in this world.  She is so loving, kind, and patient--when I was recovering from my first psychosis, I have brief memories of her playing games with me to help my brain do something--when she was pretty much playing for me too.  We have shed many tears together and laughed a lot together--especially when we play Mario Brothers with our husbands---somehow I always get everybody killed, but we have lots of fun in the process!

     Let me just share a few ways she has served me over the last several months.  When I had to go to the ER in Phoenix and Jordan wasn't off work yet, she worked it out with Jeremy to take care of their 2 year old son so she could take me up there.  Not only did she take me, figure out how to get YouTube videos of the latest 19 Kids and Counting videos to watch while we were waiting  for a bed to open up, but she "slept" in a chair by my bed that first night until I got settled.  Later that week after the vestibular injury happened and Jordan didn't want me being left alone in the hospital, she arranged for a friend to watch Landon in Phoenix overnight so she could come stay with me and then take me home when I got discharged the next day.  As soon as she walked in her door after bringing me home, they got a call for a Foster child placement that we had all been praying to happen for months.  The very next day, she was at my house with both kiddos in tow with Candy, cooking some meals, and getting me all set up.

     She drove me to multiple doctors appointments, some in Phoenix, with two kids under 2 in tow, and when she got a 3rd kiddo (making it 3 under 2...a 2 year old, 3 month old, and 5 day old) it still didn't deter her from helping out with rides to the doctors or other things.  She just packs them all up and brings them along.  She also watches my nephew for my sister one day a week and one day she watched Candy's boys so Candy could take me to multiple appointments in Phoenix and she took 5 boys under 5 to the Children's Museum.

     Then there was our trip to Nebraska.  Her Mom watched her two oldest kiddos so we had the youngest, 3 weeks old, with us.  For the long distances of the airport, I was in a wheelchair and we had lots of baggage between baby stuff, my medical stuff, and a weeks worth of cold weather stuff, as we both tend to over pack, but hey, at least we are always prepared!  The landings were the hardest for me as I shared in a previous post, so I had to use the seats as support to walk to the front of the plane and then wait for the wheelchair.  Jenn had the baby wrapped on her front, my backpack on her back, her diaper bag on her shoulder, and my machines for my treatments in a carry on rolling that down the aisle of the plane.  During the trip, she was always checking up on me and making sure I was getting my treatments in and resting when I needed to, not just when I wanted to.  

     She's the friend I can call anytime, day or night, and I know she will always be there if it's humanly possible for her.  Jeremy is the same way with Jordan.  We truly have an incredible relationship with them as we both consider them best friends and its not often that couples have the same type of relationship with the other's best friend as well.  Jenn, I am so grateful beyond words that God brought you into my life--you've helped me weather a lot of storms, and I cannot wait to see how many crowns you will have to cast at Jesus' feet because of your love and servant's heart toward me...and Jordan.  You were both there when Jordan had his heart attack, we've walked through our infertility journeys together, you've even managed to help me through one of my surgeries, even though you can't look at needles and get queasy with any medical stuff!  The list would be a mile long of the seasons of life we have helped each other through and I'm so thankful we are back in the same city as you and can see each other all the time.  I love you dearly sweet friend and am so thankful we will get to spend eternity praising Jesus together! 

     Since we both love pictures, I have quite the options available, but will leave you with just a few.  ;) Ok...you got more than a few.... :) 

Snow on Mother's Day in Nebraska! 

Mt. Rushmore!

Getting to GO HOME! 

Heading to Nebraska

Saying Goodbye in Montana last summer

Hiking in Glacier National Park 

Playing in the river by our house in Montana

Surprise goodbye/early birthday  party before I left for Montana

This picture represents many answered prayers for little ones!

Celebrating Jenn's birthday

Jenn taking me to a doctor on my birthday 

Hiking with Jenn, Landon, and the dogs

My birthday lunch at Chick Fil A 

My chauffeur being silly :)  

Re-creating Mt. Rushmore with our faces 

Group photo in Glacier National Park 

Landon's first horse ride!

Way back when! 

Wedding day!

Yes, our hubbies like to "ruin" our pictures ;)

Playing a game

Hiking Catalina State Park

Sabino Canyon fun 

Picture of the picture taker

Renaissance Festival 

Trying out my treatments :) 

Landon was so tiny!

Special group of ladies! 

Goodbye from my Tucson visit while living in Montana

      

My Week With the Body of Christ

     This last week and a half has been filled with a lot of different emotions as friends and people around me have had some difficult trials in their lives.  I've felt privileged to be able to pray for all of these situations as trials of this life often drive you to the only place that can ultimately provide comfort--the "throne of grace where we can find mercy and help in time of need." (Hebrews 4)  I will continue my "Thank You" series, but these things have been heavy on my heart so I'd like to share what my week has looked like.  Even though I'm still pretty sick and not feeling well, I've been burdened to "pray without ceasing" in new ways and been so grateful for the body of Christ and freshly reminded how quickly that bond can form and how we can come alongside our brothers and sisters and help them stand when they cannot.  

     I'm not sure exactly where to start, but I think I will just dive in.  I recently met a couple of girls that are friends of a friend and we ate dinner together and immediately connected through being sisters in the Lord and had lots to talk about.  These two were setting out on a year long road trip with the idea of serving and ministering along the way.  (You can follow their blog HERE)  Tucson was their first stop and then they headed to Colorado.  I got their information so I could be praying for them along the way and maybe even make some connections of people that could really use some encouragement as they visit different states where some of my PCD pals live.  Little did we know how much I would be praying for them, but in a very different way.  They left and headed to Colorado to help out one of their family members when they got the call--Alyssa's Mom had died suddenly.  Thankfully, she was a believer and now sees Jesus face to face but plans had to change immediately (Insert Proverbs 16:9 "Many are the plans in a mans heart, but the Lord directs his steps.) and they packed up and headed back to California.  I cannot even begin to imagine the grief they are going through right now--as close friends, Alyssa's Mom was like a Mom to Nicole as well, so they are both deeply grieving.  Not only that, but Nicole has several other family members and friends that are not doing well physically and could attend several more funerals this year.  My heart breaks for them, but we all know the One who is the Great Physician and He often takes us down paths we would never choose for ourselves, but we are able to bring Him more glory in the midst of the suffering.  

     A dear friend I shared about a couple years ago, Alisa McCormick, started a blog called "Grieving with Hope" after losing her 24 year old son in a motorcycle accident. (You can follow Alisa's blog HERE)  I know that is a path Alisa never would have chosen herself, but I have referred multiple people to her blog who have lost loved ones as she so transparently shares her journey with grief.  Alisa and her family have been heavy on my heart over the last couple of years as my brother, Justin, almost died in a motorcycle accident almost 9 years ago, so it hits really close to home.  

     A couple of my close friends are overwhelmed with different circumstances in their lives and Friday was a very overwhelming and difficult day for myself as well.  On Sunday after church, we were all hanging out as we shared about our struggles of the week and circumstances that we are all struggling with I just had to stop and laugh.  Nothing we shared was funny and we had all shed multiple tears this last week but it just hit me that although our circumstances that we were each struggling with were very different, our hearts were all in pretty much the same place--weary and very discouraged and ready to "throw in the towel" and give up.  Thankfully these friends of mine and I know what God's Word says and as we each shared our struggles, the others would gently point out our sin and what lies we were believing and remind each other of the truth found in God's Word and the character of who God is.  Sometimes when we are struggling and feel like life is spinning out of control, we tend to run to passages that tell us "Do not be anxious" or "Do not get angry" or "Forgive" and these are all truths and passages that are important.  However, when I'm REALLY struggling and don't have any hope what I need most is to remember God's character--He is loving, kind, merciful, faithful, long-suffering, good, gracious, majestic, unchanging, powerful, all knowing and so many other things.  I must remind myself that there is NOTHING I can do to add to my salvation--Jesus paid the full price at the cross and there is not even one tiny drop of wrath left for me--Jesus took it ALL.  When I fail again and again to trust God and His PERFECT plan for my life, I need to remember His grace and that it's OK that I am not perfect--because nobody on this earth is.

     I have another friend who is a single Mom with health issues and struggling to make ends meet.  A long time family friend is battling against Melanoma for her life. Another family friend and missionary is starting chemo and struggling with depression. Another misdionary friend in Zambia is having some complications with her pregnancy thst could be dangerous to the baby and her. Multiple PCD Pals are in the hospital, including several of the PCD kiddos.  Noah Coughlan is continuing his Run For Rare Diseases (you can find out more about this at his website HERE) and everyday posts a video of someone who is suffering from a Rare Disease.  As rare and as difficult as PCD is, there are so many other diseases that are just horrible.  Batten disease is a neurological brain disease that kills kids between the ages of 6 and 12 as they lose motor control and become bed ridden and then die--and there is no cure.  I could go on and on at how heavy these posts make my heart, while at the same time making me grateful for the health I DO have.  

     Our finances continue to be stretched to the max as we transition between jobs and getting set up on the new health insurance.  My lung and sinus infections are not going away, so I'm in the process of going round and round with the insurance company, doctor's offices, and specialty pharmacies trying to figure out where to get my medications filled.  In the midst of all of this, there is thankfulness and great joy.  In times past all of these things and more may have sent me spiraling back into a depression--just writing them down is making my head and heart spin--but I know that I cannot carry these burdens at all, but I know the ONE whom I can run to and who holds all of us in His everlasting arms.  He is always on deck and in complete control of all of the storms in my life and the lives of those near and dear to my heart.  My friends, keep your eyes on Jesus and an eternal perspective.  Jesus says in John 16:33, "I have told you these things that in Me you may have peace.  In the world you WILL have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."      

     Scripture also reminds us to not be surprised at the fiery trials that come into our lives to refine us.  I recently came across a quote I love from a devotional called "Beside Bethesda" by Joni Earekson Tada: 

"There is a divine mystery in suffering, one that has a strange and supernatural power and has never been understood by reason. For no one has ever developed deep spirituality or holiness without experiencing a great deal of suffering. When a person who suffers reaches a point where he can be calm and carefree, inwardly smiling at his own afflictions, and no longer asking God to be delivered from it, then the suffering has accomplished it's blessed ministry...At that point, the pain of the crucifixion has begun to weave itself into a crown." 

~Mrs. L. B. Cowman~

     If you are struggling today my friend, take heart--God is at work to refine you and mold you into who He wants you to be.  It's not easy and the going often gets really tough, but cling to Jesus and His finished work on the cross and He will carry you through the darkest of valleys to the other side where One Day there will be no more sorrow or suffering because of sin!  Know you are heavy on my heart and I am praying for you!  I would love to know how to specifically pray for you so please comment below on how I can be praying for you right now!  

In the love of the Lamb,

Rachelle :) 

The beauty of the mountains covered with clouds--we may not always see the beauty of the "clouds" in our lives, but take heart because God doesn't waste a nanosecond of our suffering!