The Darkness

     For some time, I have been wanting to write about my season of depression.  Having been blessed with a "natural" joyful personality, I had no idea what hit me or how I got there.  It began by not being able to sleep well and being exhausted and seemed like I had a mental block that led to me barely being able to function.  At one point, I remember going to Costco and walking around for 45 minutes and walking out with eggs and cheese.  We didn't have all that much food at home and I had no meal plans for the week.  During that season I would often call or text Jord and say, "I don't know what to do for dinner, can you pick up something on your way home."

     By God's grace, I was still in His Word every day because of my treatments that take an hour three times a day.  I had so disciplined myself to be in His Word with at least the first set of treatments in the years prior, that the Spirit would not let me not be in His Word.  Although I "felt" nothing of the joy and peace I was used to and felt like I was getting nothing out of it, I had a precious friend, Hilarie, pray many times that God would guard my heart through the Words that I read, even in ways that we may not know.  Those prayers were surely answered, as God protected me through things I read when I went into the psychosis this last summer.  Another grace of the Lord was music.  Although there were times when I would try to listen to music other than Christian music, the Spirit again wouldn't let me and I would always end up back on the Christian station.  These songs also protected me in ways that we never could have known during the psychosis.  

     Such extremes (depression and psychosis) of the mind have made the last three years extremely difficult.  Add to that moving 7 times, Jord's heart attack, a couple surgeries, and other life circumstances and it's easy to see that I could quickly end up looking at myself and my circumstances instead of keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus, the Author and perfecter of my faith.  Although I failed to keep my eyes on Him, became angry and bitter towards God and others, and sunk into the deep darkness of depression, God never left me, although it felt like it.  Looking back on that valley that seemed like it would never end, there are still questions without answers, but I now know what to watch for and at the first signs of dark thoughts or questions, I run to the Armor that He has so graciously provided for us.  

     I am still on medication from the psychosis and the end goal is to be able to get off of it, but I've also learned that we can't focus on the etiology of the problem or continuously try to figure out what's going on in your body and why.  Those circuitous thoughts and focus on trying to figure out what was wrong with my physical body helped lead to the depression in the first place.   There are some questions that will never be answered this side of heaven and all we can do is keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, pray, and faithfully put one foot in front of another as we climb those mountains of life.  I wrote this poem this morning as I pondered that season and I think it's easier to express some of those feelings and questions and the season I went through that way than trying to explain it.  I hope you are encouraged by it!

The Darkness

Memories of staring off into space,

Wondering if I'd ever see Your face.

The darkness clouding in oh so tight,

Wondering if I'd truly ever seen Your light.

Question upon question,

Seemingly without answer,

I'd open Your Book,

Hoping to see You there,

But nothing seemed to help,

You never seemed near. 

What is wrong with me?

O Lord, please come back to me!

Shake these feelings,

Pull it together,

Buck up, get on with it,

Everyone has trials,

Some worse than me,

So why do they seem so happy,

And this sadness and sorrow of mine clings so closely?

I feel stuck in my body,

My brain not wanting to work,

Conversations and life all around me,

I want to play my part,

But words fail me,

And I sink deeper into my misery.

O Lord, please just take me home,

But alas, He still has work for me,

Though I don't understand,

And tremble as I think on my trials...

But God...

Oh those precious words!

But God, Nevertheless...

But God who is rich in mercy,

Nevertheless, I will make atonement for you,

But God demonstrated His own love towards us,

Nevertheless I will remember my covenant with you...

Such precious words that revive my soul...

I had forgotten so many important things...

Beneath my sadness and sorrow,

I discovered anger towards God...

Anger for my disease and all the "takeaways"...

Anger for my beloved one's heart attack,

And anger for oh so many other things...

Things hidden deep within my heart,

My heart that is deceitful and desperately wicked,

Oh how could I let this happen,

This anger and bitterness had poisoned my soul...

But God!

But God gave His Son,

He took my anger, my bitterness,

My sin against Him,

Instead of condemnation,

There is unconditional love,

The love of my Heavenly Father,

Who gently reminds me that these trials are for my good. 

He is refining me through the fires of life,

Slowly as I turn from my sin,

From looking at my trials, my circumstances,

Those mountains that seem oh so high,

His light and word slowly heal my hurting heart,

 My eyes return to looking at Him,

He who endured so much on my behalf,

The bloody cross of Calvary,

The wrath of God for my sins,

Jesus endured for me,

So I can live with Him for all of eternity!

With my sights set back on that distant shore,

The days are easier as I give my hours to Him,

To love Him by serving others,

And yet dark thoughts still come.

But God has taught me through that dark valley,

Capture those thoughts,

Run to His Word, His people,

And always remember,

Underneath are the everlasting arms,

The tender Shepherd of the sheep,

Who loves me, keeps me, 

And WILL complete the work He began.

So here I am once again,

Musing over the grace He gives,

Remembering his love and promises,

And running the race He has made just for me,

One step at a time,

Making my way towards that wondrous heavenly city,

Where I will be forever free from sorrow and suffering.

     I hope you all have a wonderful Good Friday, contemplating the death of Jesus on the cross and what that means for you.  For those of you reading that haven't turned from your sin and trusted in Jesus, know I am praying that you will see His glorious truth and His wondrous love for sinners like you and me.  For my fellow brothers and sisters in the Lord, may we stand amazed at the cross day by day, hour by hour, remembering His great love for us that the King of Kings and Lord of Lords would humble Himself and take on the wrath of God in our place!  What wondrous grace!  And what glorious days await us--sin free, perfect fellowship, worshipping our Savior for all of eternity!  Come quickly Lord Jesus!

In the Love of the Lamb,

Rachelle :) 

May we remember that in the valleys we can't see forward or backwards, but we can always look up to the One who made all things and promises to never leave us nor forsake us!