I was listening to AirOne (a Christian radio station) the other day and the DJ was talking about how you never hear anyone say life is going by slow. I remember uttering those words as a kid when the summer seemed to drag on so long and my brother, sister, and I had exhausted our imaginations with tree forts, gymnastic routines (this one lasted longer if we had just watched the Olympics!), hours of playing house or school, and we simply couldn't wait for school to start so we would "have something to do with our day". (Never mind the fact we neglected those chores that Mom and Dad had to keep after us to do...we had plenty to keep us busy, it just wasn't what WE wanted to do) :) At 28 with my 10 year high school reunion coming up, my little sister getting married, and my health in a "down" cycle, God has caused me to reflect deeply on life and the past, present, and future over the last several months. Last summer (my first in Phoenix AKA "Concrete City") seemed to drag and I couldn't believe it didn't cool down like Tucson did in the morning so we could at least walk our dog, Crash, in weather that was under 100 degrees. I wasn't looking forward to the heat this summer, even though I have lived in southern Arizona my entire life. Now it's August 1st on the calendar and in my brain, it feels like we should just be starting June. On the one hand I'm excited because fall and cooler temperatures are around the corner...which also means Jen's wedding, a potential San Diego trip, my 10 year High School Reunion, new doctors appointments (hopefully with answers to some of the "unknowns" right now!), resting and getting back up to baseline, being able to be outside and ride my horse at a "decent" hour of the day, the holidays (hope I don't stress anyone out reminding you how fast that's coming!), and all the plans I've made this summer for "when I get better." I told Jordan the other day that if I am able to follow through with all of my plans, I'm booked to the end of the year! ;) Speaking of the end of the year, we can't forget the all important Chicago Bears vs. Cardinals in ARIZONA which means, (Lord willing of course!) I will get to go to my first Bears game in person! Long story short, the end of the year is going to be here before we know it.
Ephesians 5 talks about "redeeming the time". Several years ago at the beginning of a new year, one of my goals or resolutions was to get better at "redeeming the time" the way GOD wants me to spend my days. It can be so easy to plan our future without a thought to the fact that God's plans for our future (or our day!) might be different than ours. As we look to the future, often we cannot help but to think about the past because our choices in the past affect our future. If I had a dollar every time I thought or prayed, "God if only we would have known about that BEFORE we made that decision, we would be in a much better place right now!" I'd be a billionaire. When defining "justification" and "sanctification (Click HERE and go to Conviction #5 for a detailed definition of these terms), I can't count how many times I've heard Pastors or Bible study teachers say, "Now if it was OUR choice, we would skip sanctification all together and go straight from justification to glorification, but God's ways are not our ways and in some way that we don't understand, He is glorified best as we grow and struggle and go through trials to show His strength at work in us." It's often in those difficult valley's that we grow the most. Today was one of those days where it seemed no matter how much I prayed, or reminded myself of the truths of the Gospel, or had others pray for me, or sobbed on my sister's shoulder only to turn around and be sobbing two hours later, my flesh continued to fail me and my thoughts wandered and my emotions took over. Thankfully, I know the TRUTH in my head and can continually (second by second it seemed today!) shepherd my heart back to Him. He is in control. But Lord I am SO tired and I DON'T WANT to ask for more help. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am His child...the sufferings of this present age are not WORTHY to be compared to the glory that will be revealed...but Lord, I hurt and I just want my husband to be home this second so he can hold me and tell me it is all going to be OK, and then Crash comes over to lick the tears off my face, and I remember the promises of Scripture...we don't know what we will be like, but we know we will be like Him. He WILL complete the work He has begun in me...I've listened to Big Daddy Weave's new song, Redeemed over and over today..sometimes with a peaceful heart, sometimes sobbing and lifting my arms in worship trusting His plan even though this trial and these last two months seem like an eternity. I have a good day or two and then I try to "do normal" and get exhausted and emotional and frustrated because right now, I CAN'T do normal. I can't do all the things I want to do for my sister's wedding. I can't drive myself to Tucson or any doctor's appointments. I don't want to ask for help, but I KNOW God is continuing to grow me and humble my pride, but trials are still trials. Life is hard and painful but as Christ's adopted child, I know in my heart of hearts this sin-cursed fleshly body will ONE DAY be glorified and worship Him for eternity...and THAT is where my hope lies and where I get the strength to take the next breath, the next step in the race He has called me to run. Then I think about the GI doctor's appointment tomorrow or my alarm goes off on my phone to remind me to take another pill, or it's time to do my treatments, but I really need to get those medical records together for tomorrow, but first I have to run to the dealership to finish up paperwork for my dream truck. Joy, sorrow, excitement, sobbing, peace, trust, joy, sorrow, excitement, sobbing, peace, trust...and repeat and you have my day.
A very wise man once told me that "Life is like a series of mountains...you get to the peak of one but you are just at the base of another." He was my Papa that I talked about in my last post. These were basically his dying words to me. I was 15 and I can still see him crying (and seeing Papa cry was something I had never seen!) and imparting what he had learned in his 62 years to Shel, as he reconciled with the fact that he was quickly running out of time. Terminal cancer makes you reflect on your life...just as PCD is causing me to reflect on mine. While through good management, I can better my "odds" at having more healthier periods for longer times, I am powerless to stop this progressive disease, but because of Christ I can live each day trusting that He IS in control and I AM HIS CHILD, no matter what reeling human emotions I am going through depending on the moment or my circumstances. I was telling my sister this morning that there is a difference between worrying about the future and all the unknowns and trusting that God numbers our days but still "readying our heart for the battle" that we know lies ahead. I don't know what the GI doctor will say tomorrow, but in my experience with doctors and my body, I always come out of one appointment with ten others to schedule between tests, blood work, other specialists, try this, or have you heard of that--information overload. Knowing my heart is already battle weary, I need help putting on the armor to do battle. And yet the very people I need the help from, I try to protect because I know seeing me hurt makes them hurt...but there is no way around it. PCD is NOT going to go away (unless God chooses to heal me before heaven, which He is totally capable of!) so those closest to me must prepare for the battle with me. Yet we don't know what this battle looks like...it may not be as difficult as I think it may be or it could be harder than I could ever imagine. What we all need to remember--and what my heart needs to trust right now--is that God knows. He hears my beseeching prayers, He cares and not only that but He ordained this moment and the next and the next--He created the universe and as Psalm 139 says, He fashioned me in my mother's womb. Whatever science may say, God ordained that I have this genetic defect we call PCD to glorify Him. As Jesus says in John 9 of the blind man when asked by the disciples if he was born blind because of his sin or his parents sin: "Jesus answered, It was not that this man or his parents sinned, but he was born blind in order that the workings of God should be manifested (displayed and illustrated) in him." (verse 3 amplified Bible) I know in my head God has glorious plans for what He is doing in my life, but right now the "workings of God being illustrated in me" is painful. However, as many who have gone before me have experienced, we can't get to the peaks if we don't go through the valleys. When we are in the valley's we cannot see ahead or behind us...all we can do is look up. When we are on the peaks, we can look back and see the mountains and valley's we have been through and see God's sovereign hand guiding us, and at times carrying us, every step of the way. Although I didn't know Jesus when my Papa gave me that advice 13 years ago, his analogy for life still rings true in my heart. Before I share the first of many poem's as a result of his advice I ask you to pray with me for several things:
1) First and foremost, for His peace that passes all understanding to guard my heart and that I would remember the Gospel throughout the day.
2) Wisdom for the doctor tomorrow and guidance for Jordan and I as we begin a new part of the PCD journey.
3) That I would remember I will have good days and bad days and that I would remember Paul's words in Philippians 3:13-14 "I do not consider, brethren, that I have captured and
made it my own [yet]; but one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]:
forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the [supreme and heavenly] prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward." (Amplified Bible)
Mountains
The
green valley’s amid white-capped mountain peaks,
The
joy of birth, a new life in this world,
Barren
lands among falling boulders sweeping down the mountainside,
The
harshness and pain of death, losing the one you loved so.
Climbing
mountains all your life,
Mt.
Everest a major feat,
Reaching
the top of a hill, unnoticed at the time.
Working
your way through life,
Graduation
and embarking upon your new world,
Learning
to breathe, instinct led you through.
Facing
challenges,
Boulders
sweeping you off your path,
Accomplishing
your dreams,
Seeing
the peak of a mountain past,
But
alas, you are just at the base of another.
Cancer
raging through a family, tearing lives apart,
A
brave man, crying, telling his family not to worry,
For
he has just reached the peak of his last mountain,
The
last of a series of mountains, the mountains called life.
Rachelle
Thomas
Me and Papa dancing at Alex's wedding
Our last complete family picture...we did a
family lake trip before the cancer got too
debilitating.
Me and my brother, Justin, visiting Papa's
grave...
In the last week, I have talked to numerous people who have been touched by death. An accident on the interstate took the lives of 7 people (a Mother, daughter, and the daughter's 4 kids and nephew...still trying to wrap my mind around so much loss in one family!) that my Mom and Aunt went to middle school with, another family friend lost a daughter, my loan officer at my credit union that I have gotten to know has a friend that suddenly lost her apparently healthy 22 year old daughter, August is the anniversary of a year of losing a PCD pal, Jennifer Horner, and several families in our church have recently lost loved ones, or are in the process of saying their good-byes. Death is a "taboo" subject in many ways in our culture. The reality is, unless Christ comes back, we will all face death...the question of the hour is, are you ready for death, or are you clinging to this world with everything you have, trying every diet or the latest health fad that our culture throws at you to avoid that reality? I was once asked by my PCD pal, Jen, if I was afraid to die. I got to share with her that while there is the human fear of pain or how I will die, I truly believe I know where I am going when I die and I know that He will walk me through the valley of the shadow of death and that I have a heavenly body to look forward to that works perfectly! That conversation was only months before she would suddenly die from a toxic mix of prescribed drugs in her battle with PCD that ended at age 32 last August. I am planning to share more of her story, of our story, and the brief 5 months I was able to know Jen in future posts. In the mean time, please pray for me, for my friends and family that have lost dear ones, and that we may all boldly proclaim the Name of Christ until He returns or calls us home!
In His Mighty Grip,
Rachelle
