Between Yesterday and Today

This is a poem I wrote about 6 months after coming out of the psychosis:

Six months ago I was struggling to stay awake, struggling to find joy, struggling to make sense of all that happened in December.  I was moving to a new place, leaving behind my family and friends, my support group, my entire life as I had known it.  Before the craziness I was excited.  After the craziness I was fearful, sad, and anxious.  I couldn’t drive.  I couldn’t be on my own.  There were times when I wondered why I was still here.  I was such a burden to everyone around me.  But God.  Those words have such promise.  All throughout scripture there is sin, toil, idolatry, evil…But God chose us.  But God sent His Son.  But God has a plan of redemption.  Even in the very beginning when God is cursing the snake, the woman, the man, the very universe because of sin, there is still grace.  The man and woman didn’t die.  He had a plan even then.  And He had a plan for December and for the last six months of my life.

Here I was in a strange city, surrounded by strange people, and yet God had not left us alone.  We had a church to go to right away.  Although it wasn’t “home”, at least we knew it could one day be home. (Today it is the home and family we knew it would be...so thankful for GBC!!!!)  And in a “strange set of circumstances” the Leija’s had moved here and were 20 minutes closer.  What grace poured out from heaven above!  Meredith and I could do breakfast on Friday’s—I remember telling her I felt like I was in a pit and she grabbed my hand and pretended to pull me out.  What grace!

Between Yesterday and Today

Yesterday I was fearful,

Today, I’m trusting.

Yesterday I was lonely,

Today, I’m grateful.

Yesterday I was discontent,

Today, I’m joyful.

Yesterday, I was wondering where my joy had gone?

What happened to me?

Yesterday, I looked at others not able to see grace, not able to see the

joy of the Lord,

And wondered why they couldn’t see?  Why they didn’t just “be happy” that God had saved them and take His promises to heart?

Today I’m full of God’s joy and delight in the Lord. 

I can look back and see His grace through that dreadful, dark trial.

I see His hand carrying us through, placing people in our lives at just the right time.

Encouraging when I needed it, but letting me see that it wasn’t ME that was able to see His hand, it wasn’t in MY nature to “be happy” that God has saved me—it is a gift from His hand. 

A gift that he holds—that He gives and at times takes away…only to give back a hundredfold,

Enlightened with compassion for others that wasn’t there before.

A new understanding of darkness.  A new understanding of fear.

A new way to see that the “Christian clichés” don’t just “work”.

A new hunger for God’s Word—not just to learn one more thing,

But to meet and commune with the God that has saved my soul.

With the Spirit that saved my life in more ways than one.

With the Jesus who died for ME that I might be with Him.

That I would persevere through that dark time

And come to this side of the valley,

Looking down, looking back,

Lost in wonder, love and praise,

At all that God has done between yesterday and today. 

Rachelle Thomas   

A December to Remember (Part 2)

I have many memories from December 14^th but they are not all in order and my memories don’t correspond with things that actually happened.  Something serious was going on with my body—I could feel differences but thought it had to do with steroids and hormones mixing and was concerned about continuing to take all the drugs and what that would do to the babies.  I called two of my doctors and finally got an appointment mid-day.  On the drive there I told Jordan that I thought something big was happening and God was going to use my story to bring Him glory—and my story was going to spread all over the world.  This was the first of many thoughts and feelings that I voiced that came from my heartfelt desires, but had no basis at the time—the prednisone was starting to cause the psychosis but we still didn’t know what was happening.  My lung function test showed that they were considerably lower than normal—I again thought this proved a pregnancy, but in reality, I hadn’t been doing my treatments or sleeping, causing the lower results.  They also got the ultrasound results, showing it was cysts and not a pregnancy, but I was insistent on getting a second ultrasound.  Jord and my Mom had to convince me that it wouldn’t matter if we waited a month to get another one done—what I really needed to do was to go home and sleep.  I remember recognizing that I looked crazy.  Later I remember talking to Mom and Dad T. and talking about everything being the result of a prednisone buzz.  I tried to nap, but couldn’t fall asleep and remember not knowing what reality was—I remembered believing I was pregnant and also just as wholeheartedly believing it was all the prednisone.  Realizing there were these two opposing views and both couldn’t be true, I remember walking through everything with Jordan and then asking him what he thought it was based on everything that was going on—I was still clinging to the hope of my great God of miracles—this would be easy for Him!  However, it was not to be.

What ensued is a mish mash of memories at this point.  I remember calling our old Pastor in hysterics telling him that all I knew was that I was a Christian and something bad was going on.  I remember my dear friend Shirley coming over, who is also a nurse, and trying to help me focus.  I remember telling her I didn’t want to leave Jordan and praying together.  They took me to the first of two emergency room visits—I was telling everyone the rapture was coming and lots of other things.  In the midst of it all, at times when asked a specific medical question, I would become totally lucid and be able to answer all the questions for myself.  Jordan was by my side and I remember telling him I didn’t want to go to sleep because the steroids and hormones were interacting and I needed help now, so I couldn’t sleep or I would die.  There are lots of blank spots where I thought I was sleeping, but I’ve been told I was talking and definitely not sleeping during those times.  That was the first night of not sleeping for five days straight and talking instead.

Both emergency rooms had determined it was the prednisone and as I was tapering off as quickly as was safe, they told Jordan to take me home and let me sleep.  The problem was at this point, the drug had so affected me that I couldn’t sleep.  They were at a loss as to what to do—and none of my doctors were able to help.  It was during this time that family would come to visit and we would take walks and I thought we were in the Millennial Kingdom and dancing on streets of gold in heaven, that we were at the marriage supper of the Lamb and ultimately by some bizarre twist, I became Christ.  In reality, we were at Bill and Cathy’s house and I was very much still alive and still Rachelle.  I remember being scared and the only thing that could calm me down was listening to sermons or music on my IPOD laying down in between Jordan and my dog, Crash.  Two of my friends were praying very specifically that I wouldn’t remember the bad stuff—and God answered because I’ve been told I would go from being happy thinking I was in heaven to sobbing curled up in a ball, to being angry and throwing things, and even to suicidal thoughts—of which I virtually have no memory.  This is another testimony to God’s amazing kindness and mercy.  However, the storm was still in full swing, I wasn’t getting any better and my family was at a loss as to what to do.    

Thankfully, God had not left us—He was guiding us every step of the way.  He could have intervened and made the suffering shorter, but He chose not to.  Another Aunt is also a nurse and works with psychiatrists.  She contacted several and even though he was booked for months and didn’t accept my health insurance he agreed to see me that evening—for a fraction of the cost of a visit.  I remember bits and pieces of that evening and I gave the grand performance—the doctor was God, I was Jesus, and we were orchestrating events to help a dear friend I have prayed for often.  In my delirium I believed everything I ever prayed for was going to come true—if you don’t know me, I spend a lot of time praying and reading the Bible because of the hour long breathing treatments I have to do three times a day—and I had prayed for a lot of things over the years.  Thankfully, he knew what medicine to put me on to begin to reverse the psychosis.  Not only that, but he gave us free samples of the very expensive medication—another amazing example of God’s provision!  Jordan and my family were warned that because I had gone so far into the delirium (I was REAL close to being committed into a psych ward!), he didn’t know if I was going to come back, and if I did, if there would be any permanent side effects. 

That night I remember Jordan setting me up to do my evening treatments and throwing my inhaler portion at him and trying to get Cathy’s attention that I was Jesus and everything was going to be ok because I could tell she was really upset.  Jord was trying to give me the medication but I didn’t want to take anything because I was Jesus and didn’t need it.  Jord had patiently been by my side through this entire ordeal thus far—loving and caring for me, listening to me talk nonstop, and I’m sure praying incessantly that I would come back.  I remember him handing me the medication and I took it simply because he was my husband and I’m supposed to listen to him—praise God for our Christ centered marriage or I don’t know what would have happened!  I don’t remember anything after that until a few days before Christmas.  A dear friend, Meridith, came to see me and one of my very first memories was her rubbing my back singing hymns to me.  That was the start of a very long and tedious recovery that still has not been completed (at the time of writing).

There was Christmas Eve at my parent’s house when I got overwhelmed by all the conversations going on around me and broke down in tears—my brain was on overload.  Jord held me while I sobbed.  I took lots of pictures during this time and looking back, I remember more of the pictures instead of the actual moments.  I would try to convince people I was “back” because I was remembering things and more myself—or so I thought.  Friends from church would come to the house and spend the day with me so Jord could continue working on fixing up the house so we could get an appraisal done.  He had asked to be laid off in December since his job was slow at that time so he could have time to work on the house.  Instead, he spent most of December by my side—again another kindness of God!  We thought he was taking time off for one reason when in reality God knew I would need him more than ever. 

Jordan started his new job in Chandler January 3^rd—and his first assignment was to fly to Denver, CO and drive a truckload of parts back to Phoenix.  I couldn’t drive or be alone and was still on super high doses of meds at that point so I had to stay with my parents and only see him on the weekends.  This was one of the hardest times for me—I had just “woken up” basically and now Jord had to leave.  I was still pretty fearful of stuff at times and the weather was bad and I was worried about Jordan getting in an accident and never seeing him again.  It was a crucial moment for me—we are very close and I had made him an idol in my heart—I had to learn to TRULY trust him to God and trust that God was in control and would carry me through whatever happens in life.  Looking back, the low point for Jordan was having to trust ME to God when they had no answers after the second emergency room visit and I wasn’t getting any better on my own—and he had no idea if I ever would.  Thinking back on these events I am reminded of Isaiah 43:1-3a “But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel:  ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the LORD your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior.’”  We were walking through the fiery trial together, clinging to Him and His precious promises. 

I got better each week and friends in Phoenix agreed to stay with me during the day at the end of the first week so I could spend more than Saturday with Jordan.  It was a sweet reunion.  Another family that we are very close to had moved to Gilbert on January 1^st—two days before Jordan started his job.  We had been in the same small group at our church in Tucson for the last 3 years and had no idea that God would guide us both to the same city—at a time when we needed them.  I was able to stay with them during the day on a regular basis so I could be with Jordan after he got off work.  Fabian and Amy had met working with mentally and physically disabled adults and knew the medications I was on—another evidence of God’s awesome provision and kindness.  It is also a testimony to the fact that NOTHING in our lives is purposeless—we may never know why God has us get certain training or go through certain experiences in life but we can trust that He has a plan and a purpose behind everything.

Looking back, there are lots of lessons that I learned and areas in my life that God continues to work on.  The Christian life is one of continually seeking to become more like Christ and God uses trials to accomplish that purpose.  Many of you know that God has blessed me with a very good memory and I can be prideful about that at times and take it for granted.  Through this trial, I was reminded of Nebuchadnezzar in the book of Daniel—God made him go crazy for seven years as judgment against his pride.  Our lives are dependent on the One who made us—He has graciously given me a good memory but He showed me that it ALL belongs to Him—He gives and He takes away.  Not capriciously, but in His sovereign, loving plan that He has for each one of us.  By His grace, He led us to a doctor that knew the correct medicine to reverse the psychosis.  I had already been given medication that made the psychosis worse at one of the emergency rooms—it is no accident that my Aunt knew the right doctor and that he was willing to see me—God was watching over me. 

The mind is a mysterious thing and doctors cannot fully comprehend why one patient reacts one way and another does not.  It is simply a testament to our finite minds—we will never understand everything about our universe because we are not God.  I learned to trust God in a whole new way—at the darkest points, all I knew was that I was a Christian and the promises He has in His Word to never leave me nor forsake me and that He is in control.  I had no idea what was going on around me, but His Spirit kept me and protected me through many difficult situations. 

One of the most encouraging things was that even though my mind was gone, so to speak, I still knew everyone around me needed to know about Jesus Christ.  He is “the way, the truth, and the life and no one comes to the Father except through Him.” as the bible says in John 14:6.  He is the reason I am able to endure all of my health trials with joy—I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that because Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins (and yours!) I am now clothed in His righteousness and able to enter the kingdom of Heaven and will one day have a heavenly body that works perfectly!  There were times in December that my mind had twisted and I thought I was there—in reality Heaven is so much more than we can ever imagine and I’m so thankful it is not going to be what my mind thought it was.  Most importantly, those who trust in Christ will be worshiping Him for all eternity.  Without Christ, you are simply storing up wrath for the Day of Judgment and will be cast into hell forever.  I beseech you to repent of your sins and place your faith and trust in the only One who can save you—my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Jord and I wouldn’t have made it through this trial without Him and we may have endured it simply to have the opportunity to share the gospel with you. 

December and January were probably two of the hardest if not the hardest months I’ve ever had to walk through.  We often wonder why trials keep coming or compare our lives with others that don’t seem to have it as bad as we do.  As Christians, God has begun a work in us (Philippians 1:6) and He will complete it.  The Christian walk is often a hard path to take—we are strangers in this world that holds so many temptations for us.  Satan and his minions walk about like a roaring lion seeking whom they may devour (1 Peter 5:8) and we continue to struggle against our own sinful flesh.  God Himself brings trials to us to refine us and make us more like His Son.  In the midst of the psychosis I was fixated on the “fact” that the whole thing was a satanic attack.  Spiritual warfare is real—otherwise Paul would not have written in Ephesians to put on our spiritual armor and stand ready prepared for the attacks.  However, there are other things it could have been as well—God disciplines and refines those He loves—it could have been for me or even someone around me.  It could simply have been another trial to strengthen Jord and I’s relationship with the Lord and with each other.  There are many facets to it and the fact of the matter is, no matter who or what caused it, (satan, doctors, God, drugs, or any combination thereof) ultimately God is in total control and NOTHING comes to me that has not first been approved by Him.  Isaiah 45:7 says, “I form the light and create darkness, I make peace and create calamity; I, the LORD, do all these things.”   Romans 8:28-29 says “ALL things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purposes.  For those whom He foreknew, He predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son…”  Everything that happens to me in life will ultimately make me more like Christ as He molds me and shapes me and prepares me for my heavenly home.  We will never understand exactly why certain things happen.  All we can do is cling to the truths and promises of God’s Word knowing He is a loving and faithful God.  December truly is a month to remember with many practical and spiritual lessons.  As I continue to run the race He has called me to run, I long to bring Him glory in all I do so that when I am finally, TRULY home, I will hear those precious words, “Well done, good and faithful servant—enter into the joy of your Lord.”  Come quickly Lord Jesus!       

Derek (one of our Pastors at Sovereign Grace in Tucson) 

had used an illustration in a sermon of God's love poured 

out completely by literally throwing skittles from the Pulpit.  

My brain fixated on that during the psychosis and so as a joke my Mom

 gave me Skittles in my  stocking...you can see how excited Jord was 

about that!           

                   

    

Jord working on finishing the deck so we could sell

the house and make the move to Chandler.  

     Family Christmas pic:  Aunt Dawn, Aunt Netta, Mom, 

Justin (brother), Brodie (cousin), and Grandma

Eating our Christmas tradition: scalloped potatos

and ham!  :)  Makes me hungry thinking about it.  

(And taking my Arbonne vitamins and drinking a fizzy) 

        

Mom, Dad, and I.  Thanks for all your love and support

over the years...wouldn't be where I am with out you!!! 

Aunt Netta, me, and Uncle Mike...SMILE! :)

 

Kerstin (Jord's sister), Jord, me, Aunt Netta...

Yes, we are rocking Da BEARS shirts!!!  :)

 

Sporting the Urlacher Jersey with Crash.  Funny 

side note: I was "making predictions" during

the psychosis but one did come true...I said Devin Hester

was going to return a TD to break the record against the

Vikings (pretty sure it was in that game) before the game and it happened!  :)  

Bears didn't make it to the Super Bowl like I predicted, but can't wait for this season!!!

DA BEARS!!!  :)  

A December to Remember (Part 1)

A December to Remember

             “The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our sons forever, that we may observe all the words of this law.” Deuteronomy 29:29.  There are many things in this life that we do not and cannot even begin to comprehend.  Such is the case with December 2010 for my family and me.  The Friday after Thanksgiving I started a heavy dose of prednisone, an antifungal, and antibiotics to combat a fungus in my lungs.  I was on my typical regiment of inhalers and other things that go along with dealing with a chronic lung disease.  I had taken Prednisone and Levaquin numerous times before, although I had never been on this high of a dose for such a long time.  I had heard that Prednisone was a nasty drug, but having only been on it for a week at a time, I hadn’t experienced the side effects that others had endured. 

            Thankfully, I very rarely have to deal with any side effects from drugs at all, which is a blessing because I depend so heavily on them at times.  God knows what He is doing when He creates each one of us—He knows the life He will call us to and equips us to bring Him honor and glory in all that we do.  As a “small” example, I have a very high pain tolerance which is a blessing when I’ve had over 26 surgeries and who knows how many other medical tests over the years.  Small details like these can often go unnoticed in our lives until we begin to recount all the details and see the design and “coincidences” that pop up all over the place.  Some people attribute such instances as luck or random chance, but as I’ve lived my life it is an awesome thing to look back and see the hand of God guiding, directing, protecting, and providing in so many ways.  He truly is a God who “does exceedingly abundantly above all we can ask or imagine.” (Ephesians 3:20-21) 

            December 2010 is a month my family would love to forget, but likely will never be able to.  I experienced a very rare but serious side effect of steroids—steroid induced psychosis.  The story is long and complicated and if you know me well at all you know I don’t really know how to tell the “short version”.  As my husband fondly says, “Rachelle knows how to make a short story long.”  On top of that, Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, my protector and provider, and my favorite topic of conversation.  When I start to talk (or write) about Christ, I get excited and speed up and the story gets even longer.  Then you add steroids into the mix—and well you get the picture.  It is now almost the end of February (2011) and I have been praying about what to write since I started to come back out of being crazy.  I could write pages and pages and maybe one day that will come to pass, but for now I’m praying that I can demonstrate God’s faithfulness, protection, and provision through the things that I remember from December.

            In the weeks leading up to December we had been living with Jordan’s parents, Bill and Cathy, because we were painting the inside of our house to prep it for sale.  With my lung disease I couldn’t be in the paint fumes, so we had been at their house for a couple weeks before I started the Prednisone.  We have a great relationship and knowing we would soon be moving to Chandler for Jordan’s new job made the time spent together all the more sweet.  I remember telling my close friends that  it had been such a sweet time with them and the Lord and  Jord and I’s relationship was in a super sweet spot and although life is never perfect, I just remember that “peace that passes all understanding” (Philippians 4:7) was guarding my heart and girding me up.  I have struggled with infertility for the last 4 years and I was even at a place of contentment with that heart struggle.  I wrote at the end of the Christmas letter that never got mailed “It has also been another year of learning deeper lessons in contentment, as we are now in the “baby season”—many of our friends have welcomed or will be welcoming precious little bundles into this world for which we greatly rejoice!  By His grace, we have been able to continue to trust in our Father’s loving plan for our lives, knowing that His ways are higher than ours, and His plan for our lives is simply the best.”  I remember telling Jordan driving back to the house from church one afternoon, “It’s just been a sweet time and I am so content and trusting Him and excited for what He has for our future.” In typical Jordan fashion he replied, “It’s the calm before the storm.”  I exclaimed, “Don’t say that!”  I knew he was right, but I was enjoying the peaceful time even though I was pretty sick at that point. 

The steroids reduce your immune system and having a weakened one already, I caught a cold and my doctor added another inhaled antibiotic to avoid hospitalizing me for IV antibiotics.  I had just been in the hospital for two weeks in October and I was doing everything I could to avoid that again so soon.  I had also started throwing up in the morning on a pretty regular basis, but since all of the meds I was on could cause an upset stomach I didn’t think much of it.  Then other pregnancy like symptoms began appearing—the ones I’ve researched and imagined in my head a million times over.  I have a friend that has horrible pregnancies and gets every side effect so I was picking her brain and was starting to suspect something might be going on, but didn’t want to get my hopes up for the millionth time.  I had just told my sister the weekend before that I didn’t want a newborn because I recognized God’s wisdom in not giving us our own children with my health—infants take a lot of work and when I don’t get sleep I get sick very easily.  However, I knew everyone would be ecstatic and God would provide the strength and grace and help from family and friends should I be pregnant.  Jordan cautioned me a million times over not wanting to see me hurt again.  I kept trying to tell him I was content if the answer was no, but my body was telling me otherwise—it was doing lots of things that I had never experienced before, but I had also never been on this high a dose of prednisone before and with how swollen my face was and no positive pregnancy test he was skeptical at best.

December 12^th was my Dad’s birthday and by that point I was beyond positive I was pregnant—just really early and I REALLY wanted to tell my family.  Jord asked me not to and even though I got upset and didn’t understand at first, as soon as he said, “I don’t know why, but every fiber in my being is saying don’t say anything.  It’s not that I don’t believe or trust you…” I knew God was leading him to protect me in some way.  Having been married for six years and trying to live out the Biblical roles in marriage I had had practice at submitting—and seen God’s protection because I did.  God has given us husbands to protect us as we as women are so easily led astray by our emotions.  When you do your best to live by God’s design as established in Scripture, albeit imperfectly, the marriage goes a lot better!  Jordan wasn’t feeling well, so I went to my parent’s house by myself.  I wasn’t feeling the best, but I’m pretty used to that, and this time I thought it was for a really good reason so it was a lot easier to handle.  I made it through the afternoon without saying anything to my family.

That night I was up at 2 AM which had become quite normal as the “prednisone buzz” wasn’t letting me sleep.  I would go to bed at 11 and get up at 5 and not take a nap.  Anyone who knows me knows I’m typically in bed by 9 and if I get up at 5 or 6 I usually need a nap or sleep in the next day so I don’t get sick.  Tossing and turning in bed had been keeping Jordan up, which made him sick, so I would take the laptop out to the kitchen table, eat some food, read a book and play around on facebook or do some research online or listen to a sermon on my newly acquired IPOD.  At this point I had called two of my doctors about the possibility of being pregnant, but still had no positive pregnancy test.  After doing some research, I learned that sometimes if you are pregnant with twins you get the symptoms a lot earlier, but don’t have a positive test because it’s still too early for home tests to detect.  Twins run very heavily in my family so I figured this was probably the case.  This was the morning of December 13^th—when even though my husband had specifically told me not to tell anyone until we had a positive test I started telling people one by one.  I tried to bake a batch of bread at 3 or 4 in the morning while calling family in Chicago and Iowa (it was 6 there and they would want to hear THIS news were my thoughts…).  Needless to say that batch of bread didn’t turn out very well.  I called people here at 5:30 in the morning and burst into Bill and Cathy’s room—then when Jordan got upset with me I went into hysterics.  They could all see what I could not—I wasn’t acting like myself.  After Jordan and I talked later that morning I realized it and I normally would NEVER do something my husband specifically asked me not to do—we have a great relationship and that is the norm for our marriage.  God used that episode to show me that something was going on and although I didn’t know what it was exactly, I needed my husband’s protection more than ever.

Later that morning, we went to my gynecologist to get a doctor’s pregnancy test as they are more sensitive.  That test was negative as well, but he wanted me to get an ultrasound done to check for cysts and other things that could be causing the symptoms.  I was nervous and scared and anxious and super emotional—I was a wreck.  At this point we knew the Prednisone was affecting me, but we didn’t realize totally what was going on.  My brain was fixated on being pregnant with twins and clinging to the thought of being “too early to detect” so I was positive that the ultrasound was going to show something.  Another option I thought was possible was that we had conceived but that the prednisone had caused or was in the process of causing a miscarriage.  Jordan had to stay out in the lobby and as I was in the back room waiting for the tech, I was praying and crying and beseeching my God for help.  Soft music was playing over the speakers and the words that came over them were “Hallelujah, what a Savior”.  It was Christmas time so they were playing Christmas music--no other time of the year would I have been able to hear those words over the speakers of a medical building.  He indeed hears and sees and cares!

We had to wait for my doctor’s office to call us with the results and God gave me a sustaining peace about that.  Both our cell phones died on the way home and normally I would have been concerned but we just enjoyed the time together praying and trusting Him.  That night I talked to my Aunt who “happens” to be a neonatal nurse practitioner and knows pregnancy inside out and upside down, but she also knew the effects of prednisone which I did not totally understand or take into account.  After talking to her I truly believed I was going to miscarry—but I woke up in the middle of the night thinking, “but I forgot about God and His power!”  I didn’t want to make the same mistake I had made earlier so I asked Jordan for permission before I did anything that night.  I wrote some things in my Bible and then wrote a letter beseeching Christians everywhere to pray for Jord and I and what I thought was surely our unborn babies.  I knew there was a storm coming, but couldn’t see clearly to know fully what it was.  I was slowly losing my mind.  Here are parts of the letter:  “Pray for my sweet husband who will be called to watch me suffer more than ever before. I believe with all my heart God is answering my fervent prayer to ‘use this ransomed life in any way you choose’ in a far greater way than I could have ever imagined just like My God. But he is God, the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places and through this trial that my heart is screaming to get out of and get to the shore, My God is sustaining me and whispering “trust ME! I AM the Author of this storm. You cannot see the shore for the great storm you are in. You do not need to see anything but ME. I Am with You and all involved. I know every little detail for I orchestrated it all. TRUST ME little one. I AM carrying you through this storm. I will never leave you nor forsake you. The stars are in the heavens but they only shine at night. The deeper I go into darkness, the more I see YOUR radiant light….In the valley….the valley of vision. All my head knowledge and things I KNOW about My God to be true I am learning in a much deeper way through this suffering. He is God. I am not…….. Pray without ceasing for us please. It is going to be a long road and I pray to those closest to us to continually lift up my dear husband – my precious gift and priceless treasure from God. He trusts Him. But he hurts and aches and weeps when I hurt and that hurts me. We need all the love and prayer and support like we’ve never needed it before. Christian, I know you will answer. Because I know My God….My God is a big God and he is on deck and in control. I am content, trusting, sweet dependence on the Lord resting in awe and wonder in His everlasting arms. PRAY LIKE YOU’VE NEVER PRAYED BEFORE!”

I was crying when I wrote parts of that and I still cry every time I read it thinking about the love with which Jordan loves me—and how hard it is for him to watch me go through all my health trials.  He truly is a gift from God!  Little did I know what had already started but would get much worse before it was all said and done—the most severe trial we’ve been through yet. (To be continued...)  :) 

This was at the very beginning...I had the "puffy prednisone face" 

and wasn't sleeping well, but still sleeping some at this point. :) 

This was the beginning of the nightmare for Jordan and 

the rest of my family and friends.  At one point, the only thing that

could calm me down, was to listen to music on my IPOD laying 

between Jordan and Crash, my black lab in this picture.