M&M is not a Candy...

     I coined a new term this morning...M&M is not a candy but a "Meltdown Moment".  :)  You could probably tell from yesterday's post that I am struggling...simply "tired and weary".  Prayers are greatly appreciated for me and for Jordan!  After melting down on Jord this morning, we talked for a little bit and through his leadership, being in the Word, calling a friend to pray with me, and the Spirit working in my heart I am able to recognize more easily what is at the root of everything.  First of all, it's approaching "that time of month" so emotions are generally harder to control in "normal" life mode, so throw in everything we have been through the last 7 1/2 weeks and its a recipe for emotional chaos...Jordan's attempts at making me laugh made me cry and thus ensued the, "Just hold me and let me cry!" meltdown. He has learned to do this through lots of practice in almost 8 years of marriage and I have finally learned a question that helps us both: I asked him to pray for me and the Spirit was gracious to bring peace to my heart and Jordan was able to leave for work with a much more pleasant wife kissing him goodbye.

     I got around to my morning treatments and was providentially in Colossians...I came to Colossians 1:24 and Paul was telling the Colossian believers that he is rejoicing in his sufferings.  Those words stopped me in my tracks, as I prayed to God, "But I DON'T want to rejoice...I'm miserable right now!"  For two days I had a glimpse of some sort of "normalcy" in my life...running my own errands, cooking a meal, hanging out with a friend at her house (and I drove myself there!), running to the dealership to see Jord...and this morning I was so incredibly exhausted and wiped out all I could do was cry.  I reflected on WHY I was so emotional and discovered that through every "valley" of PCD thus far, I have been able to, after a time of rest, slowly integrate my "wifely duties" back into my days with no issues...not so this time around.  Jordan and I started to slip back into "normal" mode over the weekend and I started crashing this morning and I had to ask for HIS help.  In my pride, I don't want to ask him to help...it's MY job to be his helper...not the other way around.  Our church has graciously and wonderfully served us for the last 7 1/2 weeks...pridefully I don't want to ask for any more help because it "exceeds Rachelle's helping limit...miraculously the help is cut off at 7 1/2 weeks."  Wrong.  God humbled me through His Word and the Shepherding of my heart through the Gospel...this poem is a result of my heart shepherding when I ran smack-dab into Colossians 1:24 this morning:

 To Shepherd my Heart
Colossians 1:24 "I now rejoice in my sufferings..."

Lord I hurt and my heart grows weary and tired,

I DON'T want to rejoice,

But alas, Your Spirit reminds me of the Gospel,

Your body bruised, beaten, weary, and worn,

Suffering in my place,

The place where if you judged MY sin,

In my place condemned I would be.

But what grace...

"There is therefore now no condemnation..."

"For I consider that the present sufferings are not

worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed..."

Lord, my heart and my soul cry out

with the creation for that Day...

That Day when because of YOU I will be free,

That Day when I will fall at your feet

And worship You for all of eternity,

Endlessly praising You for these days...

These days when I am so weak,

But, O Lord, You are so strong...

The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places,

You have taken wordly things away,

But, O Lord, You are my inheritance...

You have given me Yourself!

What more do I need?

The answer is there...gently whispered to my soul...

Nothing...

Because in MY place condemned You stood.

You bore the stripes that I deserve,

Jesus, give me the strength to bear this trial,

This trial that YOU have promised,

Is for my good and Your glory!

O Lord, my heart's desire is to follow hard after You

To run the race You have called me to...

Bringing You honor and glory in ALL I do...

And yet You continually remind me,

That I simply CANNOT do it without YOU!

Rachelle Thomas

My heart desperately needed that verse this morning.  My reading plan said to read all of Colossians and Philemon...I didn't get past chapter one, but God answered my prayers and met me in His Word right where I needed Him the most.  Thank you Chris, Sarah, and Jamie for teaching us ladies faithfully through Wellspring (GBC's lady's Bible Study) that we are to "Shepherd our heart toward the Word of God so that we may know the God of the Word."  Those disciplines ARE sinking into this stubborn little heart of mine and bearing much fruit.  Christ's body is such a sweet place to be...to Him be the glory for the fruit the Spirit is bringing through our local body, as we all follow hard after Him, making much of Jesus and His Word!

In the Love of the Lamb,

Rachelle :)

                                          

                                 Jord and I at one of our favorite places to stay...

                                  The Junipine Resort in Oak Creek 

Invisible Illness

"Well, you LOOK great!"  A simple encouraging word from a stranger I have just met and cannot believe I have a chronic illness, a friend trying to find something positive to say to the list of things that I unloaded on them when they asked how I was "really" doing, any number of well meaning people, or that person that says it, with eyebrows raised, intimating that you CANNOT possibly be THAT sick because you were just riding your horse, or doing your job, or exercising, or fill in the blank.  Someone was trying to encourage me today with those words and I turned to Jord and said, "I just don't know how to respond to that statement, especially right now."  I mentioned something to a fellow "PCD Mom" through text last week and she responded with, "Ugh, the old, you look great comment...my absolute worst pet peeve ever!!! I know they mean well, but that sentence just makes my blood boil! It's just not what you want to hear when you know how sick you all have been."  Her little girl has PCD and all of us "PCD pals" cannot explain how one hour we will feel fine and the next we can barely move for any number of reasons.  Throw in a few people that doubt your really that sick, plus the fear of man, and I feel the need to "justify" or "explain" to people, even family that knows me so well, that an hour ago I was exercsing with Jordan, but now I need you to go get me water because I'm light headed, dizzy, and nauseous and if I move I'm going to lose what little breafkast I was able to keep down already. 
     In reflecting on my day today, I am getting that comment more frequently lately, because I am slowly integrating "normal" activities back into my life.  It's been a long 7 1/2 weeks and the road ahead is going to be anything but smooth.  As I sit here writing these words, truly reflecting on the last 7 1/2 weeks and looking forward to what the future may hold I am brought to tears.  I'm tired.  I know God will give me the energy and grace and strength when I need it but now is one of those moments when I just need to cry and mourn the loss of so many things.  Talk to me in an hour and you will find no trace of tears, but these quiet moments with the Lord...not angrily asking, "why me??!!" or throwing my fist into the air demanding that I get a different life, but simply crying out to the Lord...the physical pain, the energy that is non-existant after being gone from the house for only four hours--and for two of those all I was doing was sitting on the couch next to Heidi snuggling sweet litttle Hudson--the longing for a body that doesn't hurt, feel pain, or thwart "my plans" for my day.  Then I remember the Gospel and I am thankful that One Day, all because of Jesus, I WILL have that heavenly body and I will worship Him without growing weary for all of eternity.  On days like today, when all I want is to have ONE DAY to be able to be the wife I long to be for my husband--be able to get up with him, make him breakfast, pack his lunch, serve a Mom from church, do my treatments, maybe take a short nap, then make dinner and have energy to talk to him when he comes home.  Those are the days I was used to for the last year and a half.  That is what I am missing right now.  My PCD pals will be able to empathize with having to adjust to a new "new normal" as things progress.  Life for us is constantly changing...the reason that comment can put a burr under our saddle is simply this: there is not a single day of my entire life that I can remember not feeling some sort of pain or having to "cater" to PCD so that I didn't get sicker.  I remember a manager responding with, "But you LOOK fine" when I asked to go home early because I was rapidly going downhill.  All she could see was my typical "bubbly" self, serving the customers--she couldn't see the pain I was feeling to take in a breath, or that I knew I was on the verge of "the pains" which are completely debilitating, or that I pushed myself to come to work because I didn't want to have to call in again (and we really couldn't afford for me to miss another day...) and that as soon as I make it in the door at home, I will likely be in bed for the rest of the day.  I have never known a day without a runny nose or a yucky cough or taking some assortment of pills, inhalers, or any other part of the myriads of things that I have to do EVERY DAY to simply be a good steward of what God has given me and give myself the best opportunity to be healthier.  There is no "healthy" in our category...it's "what bug are you growing now, what antibiotic options do you have that you haven't already exhausted, how long will that work, if I don't take something what is the risk of long term damage to my lungs, etc etc etc.

     The bottome line:  I may not look sick but that is simply because if I "acted" the way my body felt every day, there would not be a day that I would want to get out of bed.  You learn to live with pain and "push through it" to where you don't even recognize it as pain unless it gets really bad.  God has blessed me a high pain tolerance and two Aunts that are nurses.  I distinctly remember one night when I left a Blue Chip Leadership meeting early from the UofA where I was attending school because I started to get "the pains."  They got so bad I coulnd't make it home so I stopped at my Aunt Dawn's house.  She asked me to rate my pain on a scale of 1-10.  I told her 6 and I remember her turning to my friend, Melisa, and telling her, "That's a 12 on a 'normal' person's pain scale."  My eardrum burst as a child and I never even complained to my Mom.  My sweet hubby knows me well enough that he can see through the "mask" and I can be in debilitating pain towards the end of small group (nights are bad for "the pains", as well as sugar, which I have almost totally cut out of my diet now...) or any other get together and no one would have a clue but I can catch his eye and he knows we need to leave.  As soon as we get in the car, I lay the seat back and sometimes am in tears from the pain.  He knows to grab my purse, Bible, casserole dish or whatever else we may have brought with us and that I need to get inside and get ready for bed as quickly as possible because laying down is the only relief from this pain.  Also, you don't typically take pictures of people when they are miserable...so blog pictures and face book pictures can be deceiving...there are pictures I have put on here of me smiling and being playful etc, but it's hard to explain and capture the moments when I'm throwing up, my sinus headaches kick in, the pleuritic (sharp, stabbing) pain in my chest from inflammation in my lungs, the unending menagerie of treatments, vitamins, doctors appointments, tests, procedures, etc etc etc.  The daily grind that can be very difficult...so when you are exhausted and in pain but still smiling and no one can "see" your pain or "disability" and they say, "Well, you LOOK great"...what do you say without unloading how you "really" feel?  You know in your heart they may not know what else to say or they are simply trying to encourage you, but when you feel miserable and as soon as you get to the car to head home you will lay the seat back and crash for the rest of the day and be miserable because you actually attempted to be "normal" for a few hours...it's hard to put into words the feelings those four little words can bring screaming into your head...praise God for His Spirit living and at work in me because without Him, I don't know how I would endure!

     So how am I "really" doing?  I think I am "doing better" because I am simply learning to rest and not try to rush out the door in the mornings.  I am making my care a priority--I even have a check list of the 20 "bare minimum" things that are top priority for my "optimum health" at the moment.  In making it to a full church service (albeit sitting during Worship...although I did get to snuggle Elisha!) and we went out to lunch afterwards I was toast when we got home.  We had made plans to go to the movies in the evening and I REALLY wanted to go, but could tell that if I pushed it and went, things would not go so well.  As it was, I was exhausted for the afternoon/evening but got a good night's rest.  Looking back on today, I was able to get a couple things checked off the to do list (like calling on an insurance claim that we shouldn't owe!) and got to fellowship with a dear friend and snuggle a sweet baby.  Remembering the blessings instead of looking at the "take aways" is so helpful...but the tears and the "take aways" are real and learning how cry out to Him, confess any sin, rely on Him and His plans for your day, and look forward to His promises is a matter of faithfully placing one foot in front of the other, trusting that He will never lead you astray.  He doesn't promise it will be easy--but He does promise to walk with you through the valley. 

Jord and I standing on a rock in the midst of a stormy sea...praise God for Jesus!! 

Resting in His Everlasting Arms,
Rachelle :)    

The Providence of God :)

     I remember listening to a question and answer session by John MacArthur and I forget what the question was but I don't think I will ever forget his answer.  "My whole life has been one big providence of God." (Might not be an exact quote but that's what I remember!)  Friday, July 20th was one of those days where I can clearly see God's hand guiding and directing my steps and opening my mouth to speak His Word and listening to others and Him providing the opportunities as I TRULY learn to listen to what others' are saying.  (I CAN learn Mom!!!!)  I've heard the saying, "God has given us two ears and one mouth for a reason...we should listen twice as much as we talk."  Confession time: I am HORRIBLE at truly listening and am working on not interrupting (so "call me out" on that one if I do it to you!)...just ask my brother.  ;)  Anyway, God used Friday to show me how much more He can use me when I listen and pray instead of worrying about "telling everyone MY story and using that to bridge a gap to share the Gospel."  God really DOESN'T need MY help???  Nope.  Friday is a prime example of that! 
     My morning started off with a walk with my hubby.  Praise God for the little things...I have not felt well enough in the mornings to do this since June 3rd so was truly a blessing to be able to start our day off that way together.  :)  We came back from our walk to find out about the horrifying events in Aurora, CO.  Our world is full of sinners chasing hard after sin and this is just another example of where sin unchecked can lead.  I came across This Blog Post by a Christian woman who was in that theater with her two teenage daughters.  Praying for all of you and yours who are affected by this horrible tragedy...for those of you in Colorado that know the Lord, I pray that He will comfort your hearts and give you faith to continue to place one foot in front of the other.  For those of you that are not Christians, I pray that God will use this shocking sin-filled event to remind you, not only that we never know when death will come to meet us, but that you would recognize your desperate need for a Savior in Jesus and run to His Everlasting Arms...that is the ONLY refuge when death comes.  The only other option is enduring the wrath of a Holy and Righteous God for all of eternity to account for every single one of your sins.  I urge you--REPENT and flee to Jesus while today is still called today!  Psalm 103 reminds us of God's steadfast love, but it also reminds us that God will not bear with sinners forever--there IS a Day coming when Christ will come back to claim His Bride--the church and His judgements will be poured out on the earth through the tribulation.  Read Revelation to learn more about those days.  Read the gospel of John if you want to know more about Jesus--He is the ONLY One that will NEVER leave you nor forsake you...every other human will disappoint you at some time or another.  Praying for those reading this right now that don't know Him...I don't know who you are, but God does and He has you reading this by no accident...don't harden your heart yet again, but pray for His Spirit to give you a heart of flesh as He says in Ezekiel 36:26.  You will NEVER regret your repentance...it's the ONLY road that leads to heaven.

     Anyway, off that passion/tangent! (I go there all the time because as I said in a previous post, Jesus is my life...not just a part of my life.)  :)     I had DirecTV coming to install the dish and transfer our services so we can WATCH DA BEARS during football season with NFL Ticket...quick side tangent: I started watching football with Jordan when we were first married and now its one of our favorite things to do together...wink wink to wives that desire to spend time with their hubbies...you might find out you really enjoy it...just ask Mark and Carol Kronwald from our church...they are a GREAT example of learning to do things the other loves just because their spouse loves it...and if you go to GBC just ask Mark about his RC car hobby when Carol was pregnant with one of the girls. :)  Girls, you don't have to love football like I do...Jordan jokes that I love it more than him, but you might be surprised at some of the hobbies you never thought you would enjoy.  ;)  Anyway...back to the DirecTV guy coming.  ;)  We got to talking (I was a bank teller for 4 years...I'm good at asking questions and making small talk!) and it turns out that it was possibly his last day and he was dealing with a lot of stress in his life like preparing to move out of state and trying to figure out relationships with his teenage kids.  (Parents and teens alike know how complicated and yucky that can sometimes get!!)  I was able to listen and empathize where I could and offer him water as he was outside in Phoenix in July...anyone that has experienced Phoenix in July knows you avoid being outside unless you are in a pool at all costs.  But alas, his job required it so at least I had some cold water to offer him!  :)  Anyway, by the time he left we were friends on facebook so he could get to the blog and I will be praying for his move and his relationship with his kids...and you all can join me!  :)

     There were some "technical difficulties" so he was here extra long and I was late to meet a friend of ours to talk car insurance.  We met David and Ashley Schexnayder several years ago at Sovereign Grace in Tucson.  We were in the same small group and got to know each other well.  They are "following" us to Phoenix (ok they grew up here...I suppose they were here "first") and he is starting out selling insurance so Ashley can stay home with their little boy, Christian.  Anyway, while David was waiting for me at the restaurant, who walks in and sits down near him....Donavan McNabb...yes see above sentences about how much I LOVE FOOTBALL!  David respected his privacy and didn't say anything to him and because I took so long, we ended up not even meeting at that restaurant.  We met for about an hour and we got all situated insurance wise, and I joked about "I guess talking about eternal things is more important than seeing a celebrity here." I was out by myself for one of the first times in a couple months and I was enjoying the fact that I could run my own errands!  Since we had switched restaurants I was close to a Home Depot and we desperately needed extra keys to the house we are living in...4 adults and 3 keys doesn't work for the person that gets locked out.  ;)  I needed to be home to take some meds and do my treatments by three so I had a limited amount of time to run in and get the keys made, check out the fans, and run back out.  As I'm checking out the fans, a guy walks past me then another guy comes up and both mentioned something to me so we started talking while I was waiting for the guy in plumbing to come answer a question about the fans.  Any of you that have been to a Home Depot or Loews or any other store there are times when they are available and respond right away and there are times when they take forever.  Church came up and they started trying to "logically convince" me of things that are contrary to Scripture.  At first I was nervous and felt cornered as it was "two against one" but then I remembered that as a Christian I have the Spirit of the Living God in me...it's not about ME or my clever rebuttals, but about proclaiming the life saving, albeit, simple TRUTH of the Gospel of Jesus Christ: "For our sake, He made Him [Jesus] to be sin who knew no sin that in Him we might become the righteousness of God"  2 Corinthians 5:21  I am simply HIS ambassador.  I prayed for the Spirit to give me boldness and to give me the words to speak.  Forty-five minutes later they casually ended the conversation and I went back to get my keys...the plumbing guy never showed up, but it was very obvious that God had ordained that meeting...Chris and John needed to hear the Gospel.  I gave them our church's website and my blog and I sincerely pray that they will read my story and God will somehow use it to open their eyes to His glorious truth!  :) 

     Being much later than I had planned, missing one dose of vitamins, and still needing to get water because there was none in the house, I headed to the water store for a "quick stop" then on to home.  I "bumped" into a girl who was also getting water jugs out of her car and we started chatting as we filled up our 5 gallon jugs of water.  Turns out, she is friends with a girl that goes to our church that I don't know and has invited her to our church.  I was able to share how incredibly well Jordan and I have been served by our local body of Christ--GBC.  I know I continually mention our church family to you over and over but it is a sweet thing to be a part of a local body that truly desires to glorify Christ in all they do through the humble, expository preaching of His Word.  They preach the truth "in season and out of season" and we all long to glorify Him with all that we have until Christ comes back or calls us home!  She is a single Mom and I shared about the ministry that I learned about through a God ordained open Elder meeting where a friend shared her need and the elders shared about a group of older women that our church has that desires to come alonside the younger women of our church and be the "Titus 2 women" God has called them to be.  I can tell you right now that some of those women have served me tremendously: Chris Evans, Jamie Siegle, Sarah Demarest, Janie Brotherton, Suzanne Blevins, Dena Iserman, Hilarie McCoy...(my mentor through our ladies discipleship ministry) and so many from my small group (Mandy, Alex, Pam, Sarah...and all the rest!).  :)  

     The point of my Friday...and all the days before and all the days God has for me in the future: God has people for you to talk to--to encourage, share the Gospel with, love with the love of Jesus.  We never know how God is going to use a simple day of running errands.  I was exhausted after spending that extra 45 minutes sharing Christ with Chris and John when I "really" should have been home taking my vitamins and resting...but there are some things (and my hubby agreed!) that are far more important than the plans we had for our day.  I may not have gotten to see Donavan McNabb (which would have been really neat!), but I saw and talked to the people GOD had for me to talk to and that my friends, is what the Christian life is all about.  :)   

   Run the Race He has called YOU to!
Rachelle :)  

P.S. Celebrate with me:  I made it to my first whole church service since May...praising God for the little things!!!!!  :)  Was so sweet to be able to worship corporately, pray corporately, and do all those things Christ calls His people to do...what a sweet foretaste of heaven...come quickly Lord Jesus!!!!

Vacation and Some Things I Have Learned

     I left off with my favorite prescription ever: Riding my horse more.  :)  That is a part of the puzzle pieces that Jordan and I, along with family and close friends, are putting together.  For so many years, I have tried to control things that were out of my control, have false guilt over things that I should not feel guilty about and it all lies in the root of pride and fear of man.  When I sin in these ways I am not trusting God for Who He says He is and that His promises are true.  One of the most helpful pieces of counsel I have received through this trial is from Eric Martin, one of the elders of our church and a member of our small group.  He said, "It doesn't matter where you "feel" your identity is.  Your identity as a child of God in Christ doesn't change no matter what you feel."  SO helpful and encouraging for those moments when I don't take my thoughts captive and my emotions get out of control and I place an idol in front of God.  Confess it as sin and it is forgiven. It's paid for.  Christ died for that sin.  Such freedom friends!!  (I will also have to tell you about his wonderful wife, Sarah, who is fast becoming a dear friend and their three beautiful children who have drawn me some really pretty pictures!)  God's grace continues to be poured out on us during this trial as we continue to put one foot in front of the other.  :)  So what does all that have to do with riding my horse more?

     My entire life and the past 8 years of my marriage have consisted of the constant battle of me getting sick, being down for awhile, then as soon as I start to feel even an ounce better, I go for it and try to get all the things done that a wife "should" do that haven't been done in say, two weeks, in one day.  And you can guess what happens: I get sick again.  I have tried submitting my schedule to Jordan and really desiring to let him lead me in this area.  (Just ask my small groups from the last 6 years...many a conversation, admonition, exhortation etc...especially from a certain someone...Amy Leija I may finally actually be heeding some of that advice...who knew I could be as stubborn as you????!!!)  :)  We would sit down on Sunday afternoon and plan out what I could do, who I really had energy to serve etc.  Jordan would say, "Do. Not. Schedule. Anything. Else."  "Ok honey!"  Monday morning rolls around and someone texts me or calls me, "Hey do you want to go get some lunch?"  "Sure!"  After all, that will only be an hour and I should have plenty of energy to clean the house later.  Wrong.  And round and round I went.  Learning to say no to things you love and enjoy and are all good things to do is one of the hardest lessons I have tried to learn and am still learning.  Something tells me I won't be perfect at this until Christ calls me home...and the only reason I will be good then is because I won't have the sin cursed body that gets tired in heaven!  :)

     So the result of the Psychiatrist visit: One month (if not two!) mandatory vacation.  I am not allowed to stress about anything.  I am not expected to do anything but take care of myself and get better.  Wow.  In the past Jord would tell me, "Don't do anything today.  Rest when you need to."  I would say, "Ok." and then feel guilty because I couldn't make him breakfast or pack his lunch or do laundry or cook him dinner or clean the bathroom that was getting on my nerves and thus began the, "I have energy to do just one thing.  That's done...just one more thing..." and the next thing you know he is coming home and I'm exhausted and we have to cancel dinner plans because I did not listen.  Monday morning I asked him if I could vacuum our bathroom because Crash hair (our black lab) was piling up and getting REALLY gross.  He replied, "You can vacuum the bathroom. Then read a book, watch a movie, play on facebook, write on your blog.  Rest. Take your meds/vitamins."  Such freedom to have him specifically tell me it is OK to "play" and be "lazy" all day.  No guilt. No condemnation.  I still see dishes in the sink and think, "I can do those...oh wait, it's ok because everyone knows I'm not supposed to be working right now.  No one will get upset with me that I didn't do 'my job'".  I've discovered just how much I've really needed this.  Jordan has been trying to relieve me of my stress for so many years but I kept picking it right back up.  No more.  I'm having fun and finally recognize how important it is for me to be able to relax and to truly trust that Jord has things under control...and ultimately God does.  Hmmm...didn't think I struggled with submission...big surprise there lol.  :)     

     So what have I been doing this week?  Resting, reading, writing (have some things coming soon!), listening to Resolved messages (discovered I REALLY love messages by Steve Lawson), listening to GBC messages I missed, getting to church in time for Communion on Sunday, fellowship with friends, Skype dates, taking Gianna (our roommate's daughter) swimming while we splash Crash.  Simply relaxing, trusting the Lord, and doing the things that are most important and critical to help me get better.  :)

     How am I feeling physically?  About the same.  My energy is still kaput.  My Mom-in-law was up here yesterday and cooked us three or four meals and brought us groceries and my Mom is coming up to stay through Friday.  I was feeling pretty good so I drove Cathy to lunch and then to take lunch to Jord at Sullivan's Motor Company where he recently started a new job.  He is absolutely LOVING it.  He loves cars and he loves people so it is literally the perfect job for him and I am so thankful he enjoys his job...it truly is a gift from the Lord!  Anyway, we talked with Jord while he ate and then got me back home so I could "crash" for the afternoon.  Once I laid down for awhile, I was able to take Gianna swimming since that is great exercise to get things "moving" in my lungs etc.  Exercise is critical for me and I hadn't been doing that either so it's so nice to not have to worry about conserving energy to make dinner but to know I can exercise in the pool (and have some fun while I'm at it!) and know there was healthy food for Jordan and I to choose from in the fridge.  (Thanks Mom T.!!!!!)  I've been waking up with "the pains" as I call them so am really looking forward to seeing the GI doc on August 2nd and getting that ball rolling to see what's going on there.  I expect I will come out of that appointment with a list of tests to do, but trusting Him and taking one step at a time.  Thanks for your continued prayers, love and support!

Now for some pictures from my "staycation".  :)

 My sweet Puppy, Crash, snuggling with me :)

 My horse and my favorite PJ's from Jord that are

about 9 years old...they are "sweet tarts". :) Can't 

tell you how many hours I spent with Buddy like 

this.  I used to get a book, take him to a grassy spot,

let him eat grass, while I laid on his back and read

a horse book.  :)  

 My sister (Jenny) and brother (Justin)

and me at Jen's Bridal shower.  So

much fun!  :) 

 My sis, me (and Safari!) and my Mom, Denise

 Crashers, Gianna, and me doing my treatments

and devotions Sunday morning.  They both 

wanted to be close to me lol...its a love seat so 

we were nice and cozy...LOVE the snuggles though!

Great way to wear out a 4 year old...get a black 

lab that LOVES to be splashed, but won't acutally

go IN the water and lounge on a pool chair and 

take pictures of the action.  :)  

 

To the end of Myself

It's been a busy several days and I know my last post was kind of a "cliff hanger" so I apologize for those that aren't friends with me on facebook or haven't heard through the "church or family grapevine" yet.  The appointment with the Psychiatrist on Friday was the beginning of a new beginning for me.  I hadn't seen him for a year and a half so he asked what was happening in my life to bring me back to his office.  I began talking and out tumbled one thing after another.  When you live with a chronic illness NOTHING is simple.  When I go somewhere for a weekend (or even overnight) I joke with friends and family that between my vest, vitamins, meds, clothes (I am a typical girl and throw in three extra outfits "just in case!"), and oh yeah you can't forget the 3 books I'm currently reading because I don't know which one I'm going to be in the mood for, I already need a Tahoe to carry it all...if God ever does indeed bless us with children you better believe the first upgrade is going to be to a Suburban.  Sorry Jord, but between me and the future child can you fit your stuff in a backpack???  :)  All kidding aside, nothing is "normal" or "simple" and after 28 years that all builds up.  I've had my share of "meltdowns" over the years but this is just a sampling of what I shared:

     Well, I've been sick since June 4th, I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I love people and love to serve and help people and I'm stuck on a couch right now.  We haven't been able to have kids, and I have finally (after 5 1/2 years) come to terms that we may never have kids.  My Mom and I just went to NC and they told me I had possible issues with my thryoid, pancreas, gallbladder, liver, and oh yeah, your low on Vitamin K.  The NTM bug you are being cultured for can be difficult to get rid of and there is was a slide that was presented in one of the PCD presentations that showed a picture of the NTM eating away the lower part of a PCD patient's lungs and this patient had to have a lung transplant.  I always knew that was a possibility, but in my head that was when I was 60, not 30.  Oh yeah, my husband had a heart attack in January (it was a virus that attacked his heart and he will 100% be ok for all those that don't know that story for another day), we have moved 3 times in the last 6 months (to which the Psychiatrist said, "Oh, is that all?"), I just reconciled with my Dad and he had an emergency appendectomy while I was in NC.  In my head I know God is in control, but in a way I just got him back and don't want him taken away so soon! I hate seeing Jordan and my family hurt and cry for me and oh yeah, we have some family members that are struggling and are not doing well, some that have cancer, my sister is getting married and I'm the Matron of Honor and her bridal shower is this weekend and Aunt Netta had to do most of the work (thank you again!!) because I can't drive myself places and my creative juices are limited to what I can do from the couch, I haven't been this sick since I can't remember when.  I went from feeling the best I have felt in a really long time (1 year of no antibiotics...a true miracle for me!) on June 3rd to coughing up blood on June 4th and have had two procedures (bronchoscopy and PICC line), still need to have my port taken out, new doctors appointments to make, new lung doctor, and and and and....

There is STILL more, but you get the picture.  I took a deep breath through the tears and looked at my Mom and was like, "My meds aren't making me crazy, I have way too much stress in my life!"  When you live with a chronic illness from day one and don't know any different and you become a Christian and as scripture says in one of the Peters, "Don't be surprised at the fiery trials that come to you..." you learn to just "roll with the punches" as they come and I don't really keep track of trial after trial...it's something called life.  Then you throw my sin of fear of man (or codependency or people pleaser etc) and pride into the mix and you get 28 years of getting lots of attention for being so sick and that becomes your identity.  Some of my PCD pals coined the term, "It's not who you are but what you have."  In my head as a Christian for the last 12 years I knew my identity was no longer in anything but Christ as He paid the penalty for my sins and absorbed every ounce of God's wrath for me so that I might have an eternal relationship with Jesus and other believers.  However, I still struggled with rejection and making an idol out of attention and acceptance.  I am just now recognizing this and putting it into words.  The book of the month at our church last month was When People are Big and God is Small and I have had that book recommended to me I don't know how many times but I have never picked it up.  It will be one of the first books I purchase so I can mark it up because I know it will speak directly to one of my biggest sin areas.  Instead of running to Christ and the gospel I "processed externally" and needed to talk to people and if I didn't get the reaction I was looking for I either tried my "other lists" of things I have endured or under the guise of humility and confessing my sin I would seek attention that way.  UGH.  Our hearts ARE desperately sick and wicked and yet as Romans 5:8 says, "God demonstrates His love to us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  Wow.  If you look at the ugliness of sin in your own heart and see who you truly are then realize that as a Christian who has repented and turned from your sin and placed your faith and trust in the work of Christ on the cross ALONE for salvation, God the Father loves you.  You are His adopted child.  Forever.  NOTHING can snatch you out of the Father's hand.  There is no more condemnation for you, not even an ounce of wrath, but instead a cup overflowing with blessings (paraphrased from this awesome Little Book, the Gospel Primer) and we are on the road that will only end in heaven.  As Josh Miles read from Psalm 103 this morning during our communion meditation (link coming soon!) he expounded on the steadfastness of God's love and my heart fixated on the familiar verse "He heals all your diseases."  God's promises are so certain that they could be in the past tense...and in the Hebrew it may very well be.  God provided the cure (Jesus Christ) for the worst disease I will ever have and EVERYONE has it...sin.  Although my PCD is rare (only 400 people are diagnosed in the world!), my body is "weird", I get tired of explaining every little detail etc, there is a Day coming when I will have a body that works perfectly and will never run out of energy to serve my Lord and Savior as I serve and fellowship with other believers for eternity in the New Heaven and the New Earth He is creating.  My heart longs for those days as my body literally falls apart.  In this sanctification process, God has brought me to the end of myself and the verses in 2 Corinthians 1 have never resounded so clearly in my heart:

Comfort in Suffering

³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ⁵ For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ. ⁶ Now if we are afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer. Or if we are comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation. ⁷ And our hope for you is steadfast, because we know that as you are partakers of the sufferings, so also you will partake of the consolation.

Delivered from Suffering

⁸ For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life. ⁹ Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead, ¹⁰ who delivered us from so great a death, and does deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us, ¹¹ you also helping together in prayer for us, that thanks may be given by many persons on our behalf for the gift granted to us through many.

He is a loving Father who pursues us vigilantly until we "get it" and He graciously answers prayers we prayed in very different ways than we expected but in the very best way for us because He knows us better than we know ourselves.  I prayed for God to reveal my sin to me because I had a hard time "seeing" my sin and confessing specific sins.  Apparently, (ok Mom already knew this!) I am a very stubborn person and for 28 years was living with the "I got this, I can do this, I can suffer well for the glory of God, I can show people what it looks like to suffer with the joy of Christ, I can, I can I can, I got this God, I don't need You..."  It took all those trials and more that I am still processing internally and have not even begun to share for God to TRULY bring me to my knees...for me to humbly confess, "Lord, I am weary, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Lord, I am angry and frustrated at all the things that I feel have been "taken away" because of PCD: children, getting my ears wet (snorkling, swimming, knee boarding, etc), I am angry that I had to learn to take care of Jordan and he had to have a heart attack and Bill and Cathy and my Mom and Dad want to have Grandchildren and I don't know if I will ever be able to give them that, I have to have a minimum of two hours to even be able to get out the door because of my treatments and when we go somewhere with a group people, they get ready while I do my treatments and then I feel rushed because I don't want to keep everyone waiting. I am hurt and angry and bitter that my family and friends have to watch me hurt again and again and again and again and its only going to get worse.  I want to be able to drive myself to the stor and cook my own food and take Jordan lunch and be the wife I want to be and not be the failure I feel like I am being right now.  Lord so much sin that boils down to the fear of man and my pride and discontent.  So much ugliness but Christ, you absorbed the wrath for every single one of those sins.  You took the nails in your wrists, You took the lashings that I deserve.  For so long I have felt like I have to explain and justify everything to everybody because I don't like having to be different when I want to fit in.  Lord, I try to explain everything to everybody and apologize constantly to Jordan because he has to help me in so many ways that I want to be able to do for myself.  Lord in Your great and unfathomable mercy, You died for that sin.  It's paid for. It's forgiven.  It is finished.  You completed the work you began.  I am justified because of Your death on the cross and I will one day be glorified and free from this wretched body and flesh and sin.  O for that Day Lord!  Thank You that for the first time in my life, I don't feel like I have to tell everybody about everything so they "understand" why I have to take 20 pills along with breakfast, lunch, and dinner, or why I'm late, or why I could ride my horse an hour ago and now I just threw up and can't get off the couch.  I'm exhausted and worn out because I've been trying to be perfect.  Jesus, You are the only One that is perfect.  Thank You that You died for that sin and that for the first time I truly understand You created me, You know me, You know why I have to do what I have to (even better than me!) and that is TRULY all that matters.  Thank You for taking the burden of my sin, my illness, my loved ones salvation, Jordan's hurt and pain watching me suffer, my family's hurt and pain watching me suffer...You have shown me I cannot do it on my own even though I have tried for 28 years.  You are God and You have it all under control.  And that is all that matters...may I truly learn to rest in Your everlasting, loving arms.  You are my "Abba" Father, my Daddy who I can run to with the biggest mess I've ever made and You welcome me into Your arms and love me and hold me and know EXACTLY how to comfort me and what I need without me having to tell you.  Thank You Father!

In Jesus Precious Name,

Amen.

Friends, I cannot remember feeling so much freedom...and Mom, the Truth does indeed set You free...all because of Jesus!  

My favorite prescription I ever got from a doctor..."Ride your horse more." Check! 

More to come,

Rachelle :)

A Little Background

A couple years ago I was asked to write the short version of my "life story" for a pastor in New Zealand (which is another story for another day...you'll probably get that a lot here if I can contain myself and truly save the story for another day!)  So here it is as an "introduction" to my life and some basics of PCD ( For those who want more info on PCD click here).

My Story

            My name is Rachelle Thomas and I am currently 26 years old.  I was born in Douglas, AZ in February of 1984.  Within 24 hours of my birth, I developed respiratory distress and was air-vacced to a larger hospital in Tucson, AZ.  I had a collapsed lung and spent 8 days in Neonatal Intensive Care before I was finally able to go home.  Numerous tests were done, but the doctors could not explain what had caused my respiratory problems.  Little did my Mom know, this would be my story until I was 13. 

            I had chronic ear, lung, and sinus infections.  At 11 months I had my first set of what would be 4 sets of ear tubes by the time I was 5 or 6.  I had my tonsils removed and numerous other surgeries, trying to “fix” all my symptoms.  When I was 5, the doctors diagnosed me with Asthma, but that didn’t really fit.  When I was 12, they said it had to be Cystic Fibrosis—and in between they assured my parents I would “grow out of it” when I went through puberty.  Needless to say, none of the above was correct and by the time I was 13 I had had 13 surgeries and still no answer.

            Thankfully, my parents would not take, “We’re not really sure, but we think it has to be Cystic Fibrosis” for an answer.  In the summer of 1997, we made a family vacation out of going to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill to visit Dr. Michael Knowles, and his research team.  For 3 days I underwent numerous tests and at the end—we FINALLY had our answer.  One of the tests was a “Mucual-ciliary clearance test”—I had to breathe in radioactive parts and for the first 4 minutes of every 10 minutes for two hours, they X-rayed my lungs to see how much of the particles my lungs would move out.  Normal lungs move out about an average of 30% of the parts in those two hours—mine only moved out 8%.  I was diagnosed with Primary Ciliary Dyskinesia (PCD)—a condition in which the little hairs in my ears, lungs, and sinuses don’t function properly.  There is no cure and it is a progressive disease—you simply have to try and prevent and manage infections when they come.  This is typically through utilizing antibiotics, inhalers and air way clearance therapy.

            At the time, I was still a child and I’m sure my Mom and Dad felt more relief in finally having a diagnosis than I did.  We finally knew what we were dealing with---and that it was never going to go away.  As a kid, I fought Mom on doing my medicines—I would cooperate for a bit, but I would get tired of taking all the medicines and I didn’t like how the inhalers made me feel and would avoid those at all cost.  Now that I’m older, I recognize how I might have prevented some of the lung damage I have now—or at least put it off a bit longer if I had done my treatments on a regular basis.  Thankfully, I know God is sovereign and in control and has a plan for our lives—even when we mess up or don’t do what we’re supposed to. 

            In high school I had a relatively “healthy period”, thus giving me more reason to avoid my inhalers.  When I was 15 my Grandfather, who I was very close to, passed away from Melanoma skin cancer.  I was already in those teen years and asking some of those “why” questions—why are we here, why do bad things happen, what is my purpose in life?  After my Grandpa passed away, my Mom decided to take us to a nearby church.  I started attending regularly and one evening at a youth event, the Pastor closed in prayer that night by inviting those that weren’t sure if they had eternal life or not to come and talk to him afterwards—reinstating that you never know when your time is up and there could be a car accident on the way home.  I was still incredibly shy at that age, but had equated “getting saved” with “getting baptized” and went home and told my Mom I wanted to be baptized.  It wasn’t until later in continuing to go to church that I recognized I am a wretched sinner, alienated from God, and Jesus Christ lived the perfect life that I cannot, and died on the cross to bring me back into a right relationship with Him.  I am so thankful that He drew me to Himself those 10 years ago—especially looking back to all that has transpired in those 10 years—and all that He would call me to endure physically.

            I met my husband, Jordan, when we were 18 and we got married when we were 20.  Right about the time we were married and moved into town, my health started spiraling downhill.  At first we thought it was living in an apartment and in town—I had grown up out in the country away from the constant cars and trucks and mold that was probably in the older apartment complex.  Within a year of being married, we moved into a suburb of Tucson to try and get away from as much pollution as being in the middle of the city.  We have since added on to the house to get air-conditioning with a filtration system and got rid of all carpet to keep dust and other things down.  In spite of doing all this, my health has still gone downhill. 

            I am now up to over 20 surgeries and countless hospital stays.  I have breathing treatments and chest percussions that take an hour three times a day.  I am off and on IV antibiotics, oral antibiotics, and inhaled antibiotics in an effort to prevent and get rid of infections I do end up getting.  When I get a cold it can quickly become a bad infection that could lead to Pneumonia or more lung damage.  I now have Bronchiectasis, which is the hardening of your airways, which was caused by the numerous infections I had.  Some of the surgeries caused me to lose 80% of my hearing, but thankfully with a hearing aide I am able to hear pretty well.  My husband and I have also been unable to have children, we believe in large part because of everything my body is constantly fighting.  I also have some other pain that the doctors don’t know what’s causing it—it only goes away when I lie down.  My energy level is definitely not that of a normal 26 year old and I have to carefully watch what I plan in my days and try not to overdo it, as I can become sick so easily. 

            By God’s grace, this has not affected my ability to enjoy the life He has given me.  I must confess—there are days when I grow weary and tired of all the doctor visits, medicines, and having to say no to activities that I really would enjoy because of my health.  However, God has granted me incredible joy in the midst of this suffering.  I know He has an eternal home for me—that this life is but a vapor as He says in James—and that I will one day have a heavenly body that works perfectly!!  I would much rather suffer in this short lifetime and be with Jesus for all eternity, than have a great life here, and suffer eternally separated from God.  When I’m in the hospital or at doctor’s offices, or meet someone who finds out about all my physical suffering they eventually ask the question, “Why are you so happy when you are so sick?”  That is my favorite question to answer because I get to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ with them!

Without Christ, I would have no hope—but He is my hope, my Sustainer, my Comforter, and I know that He brings things into our lives so that we might bring Him glory.  If all my physical suffering can bring even one person to know the Lord, it will all be worth it!  We often don’t know or understand and as humans, we WANT to know WHY.  Often times God calls us to continue to trust Him and walk by faith—trusting that there is a Day coming when we will see Jesus face to face—and remembering that what He suffered for me is far greater than anything He has, is, or will call me to suffer in this life time.  By His grace, I continue to walk trusting in His plan for my life, trusting that He is good—even if my life doesn’t look like I thought it might.      

Rachelle Thomas 

Reading through that again Jordan and I had no idea what we would endure in December of 2010 or how I've recognized that whether or not someone gets saved because of my physical suffering is beside the point--what matters is glorifying God through my life and running hard after Him with all that I have and remembering that we serve an awesome God!  

**2015 update: I am now 31 years old and it has been 5 years since I wrote this "story of my life".  These last 5 years have indeed been the most challenging years of my life as I experienced three drug induced psychosis episodes, multiple seasons of severe depression, and many adverse reactions to antibiotics that I was previously able to take.  Some of these reactions have left me to struggle with vertigo, nausea, and other neurological issues like tremors.  Many basic tasks are extremely difficult, if not impossible on some days.  However, through these last 5 years, God has only strengthened my faith in Him and burned away more of that dross through those fiery trials.  Not only have we had incredible health challenges, including Jordan having a rare artery spasm heart attack in January of 2012, but we moved 8 times in 4 years, two of those moves being to Great Falls, MT and back to AZ.  I've learned recently about the "top life stressors" and you aren't supposed to do more than 3 of them in a year...well God's plan for our lives certainly involved more than 3 of those "major stressors" and He has drawn us ever closer to Himself and closer to each other as we have matured in our faith, hopefully to look more like Jesus as we are that much closer to seeing Him face to face.  I pray you will find this blog encouraging and most of all, I pray, as Joni Earekson Tada says, that you will find Jesus in your splash overs of hell on earth.  He rescued those who trust in Him from eternal hell, but our sufferings here on earth can be akin to "splash overs of hell".  Joni, and her husband Ken, decided one day as they were driving home from a chemotherapy treatment for stage 3 breast cancer (on top of chronic pain and 47 years of being a quadriplegic) that splash overs of heaven aren't the bright and sunny "easy breezy" days, but splash overs of heaven are finding Jesus in the midst of your hell.  Friend, whatever disastrous circumstances you may find yourself in today, please know that I am praying for you.  And that the God of the Bible is a God who hears the cries of the afflicted--He sees, and most of all He cares and He will wrap you up in His everlasting arms as we eagerly await THAT DAY when Jesus will come back or take us home and sorrow and sighing will flee away for all eternity for those who trust in Jesus.  May you run hard after Him and know Him better each day friends.  

"We count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord’s dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful." James 5:11

In His Mighty Grip,
Rachelle :) 

Jord and I in LA in March of 2010--when I met the Pastor from New Zealand and months before the December that would change our lives forever.